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The Danger Room Funnel

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Was building my first Wild Talents PC today and...

...just realized I wrote "building". Yeah, I was building it. Then I gave up because the power system was so fiddly it evoked the word "building" and the GM was cool and built it for me and it took him like 15 minutes because he knew the system.

Which got me thinking how even though I like some things about build systems (one thing actually: as your points dwindle, you learn new things about your PC, like...she has Journalism and Engineering but no Library Use...so I guess she's some kind of charming mechanical savant) the main point of allllllll that headache in superhero systems of taking 3 points from here for Limited Range and adding 2 points there for Advanced Loudness is for people to be able to estimate the power level of the campaign.

Which, with stuff like Champions and Mutants and (Would you like Masterful Jump or Jumptastic Finesse?) Masterminds and Wild Talents seems like a tremendous amount of lonely work for a pay-off that's not too terribly grand.

Then I thought why not sum over all that?

So here's the Danger Room Funnel:

1. Everybody make a PC. Just throw together somebody that looks like who you wanna play, don't worry about the points.

2. GM starts the session: the players are performing a training exercise. They're fighting a bunch of clones or robots and each other in a massive battle royale. Anybody who gets knocked out immediatley gets healed up and sent back in.

3. GM and players monitor the results, then tweak their PCs according to their performance.

4. All the changes are explained away by a massive bombardment of cosmic rays or Bendis starting a run on the book or some shit.

5. Players who intentionally play half-assed in order to not have their powers adjusted are declared boring and excommunicated.

Yeah it takes 2 hours but so does deciding whether your guy has Advanced Smell or Smelling Acuity so why not spend those 2 hours playing?
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...or you could just roll Gather Information, I guess

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They land in the port of Abu Zin Zeer looking for the white elves who were rumored to be transporting the eye of a fallen god.

But first they hid in an alley and tested out this deck of magic cards they found.

The first card is drawn, a sphinx appears from the shadows in the alley and offers to trade secrets.

Sir Ward tells her who is responsible for the fortress that fell out of the sky onto Nizadd and she whispers to Sir Ward "I'm not real".

This is a Deck of Illusions they've found.

"When one is drawn at random and cast out, an illusion with audial and visual components is formed. It lasts until it is dispelled. The illusory creature will not go more than 30 feet away from where the card lands when it is thrown, but will otherwise move and act as if it were real."

So they're not only foreigners who've landed in a foreign port during an eclipse, they're foreigners in a foreign port who've landed in an eclipse and are followed everywhere by a lionwoman.

While the rest of the party goes out to scour the local underworld for clues, Anil, cleric of Manpac takes the deck and false sphinx back to the ship.

He has the goblin henchmen build a makeshift stall on the dock from scrapwood and kludge-nails, hangs it with banners and proclaims that for mere copper pieces any one man woman or child can step forward, See the Enigmatic Sphinx, attempt to answer its Arcane Riddle and Be Given--In Exchange--The Gift of A Secret Revealed.

Naturally all the Sphinx's riddles are like "If you were a white goblin prince being trailed by a retinue hauling a package the size of an elephant, where would you hide?"

So it's all brilliant with one hitch--the sphinx isn't real, so she has no idea if the answers she's getting are true or not, and, likewise, hasn't much genuine information to give in exchange, so she's just lying off her ass and so are her customers.

So the locals are like "Umm, if I was a box as big as an elephant I'd hide...in a...melted...place?" and the sphinx is like "Very well! What is your request?" "What became of my father?" "He...is all...wet because he fell out of...a drain...a stormdrain. Yes. It was messy."

It's rough out there.
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How Do I Break This Curse? (D100)

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1. Perform a service for each of 8 infamous heretics on 8 successive Saint's Days.

2. See the sea through the eyes of a hated foe.

3. Touch a wild goose with gloves of kidskin when the moon is waxing.

4. Break bread with a weevil as big as a man.

5. Eat 12 pigs in 12 blankets.

6. Sink a 3-masted ship sailed by a virgin.

7. Drink a cocktail derived from the blueblack ink of an ancient octopus.

8. Spin 20 tales for the entertainment of prisoners on 20 successive nights.

9. Break open a vault older than the mammals, and then seal it with red wax.

10. Openly fondle the idols of an Eastern faith in a public square during a lunar eclipse.

11. Stone a giant to death without magic or other arms.

12. Learn an ancient tongue and teach it to an asp.

13. Recover 30,000 gold pieces worth gems from beneath the Earths' surface.

14. Become a prince, command an army, defeat an emperor, then eat a breakfast of cold cereals.

15. See the Cloven Stars from the top of the Gauntgorge Peak.

16. Drink the blood of a vampire that has feasted on the flesh of your closest ally.

17. Pile fifty toads on a pigpike and slay with it a mighty troll.

18. Learn the ways of moths, and imitate them before an audience of thousands.

19. Behead a statue of an evil god, and affix the heart of a greater demon in its place.

20. Save a child from elephants.

21. Save an elephant from children.

22. Save 9,826,755 gold pieces and sacrifice them to an aspidochelone.

23. End a war that has slain at least 5000.

24. Burn 40 bridges at least 5 years of age until they fall, incinerated.

25. Discuss mathematics with an orc, a slave, a sleuth, three maidens and an ecdysiast during the holy month of Plas Neer Naxx.

26. Survive a fall from the clouds into the sea.

27. Kill the wizard who cast the curse and the write his name in blood on the wall of every temple for 100 miles.

28. Contract lycanthropy.

29. Mold a statue of the moon goddess from the bones of 90 man-slain gnolls.

30. Answer the riddles of worn men in hidden taverns on every continent.

31. Watch pirates die in the coils of eels.

32. Blind a bishop.

33. Force a hostile duke to break a promise, then slather him in rich jelly.

34. Swim in a bath of scented lemon juice on the far side of the earth.

35. Save five cities from otherwise inevitable doom.

36. Rescue a madman from a fornicator and send him into the ocean.

37. Bludgeon desert asses with the bones of buzzards on an uncharted island.

38. Defeat an arsonist in a game of chance once a month for 3 months.

39. Mock the aggrieved in a peach orchard after a devastating flood.

40. Find the curate of a bad cult and use his or her desk for weird sex.

41. Smother a rhino in whalegut, and slay 50 foes in a true and pitched battle while painted in its blood.

42. Remove the noses of those who oppose you until their number is nine hundred and seventy nine.

43. At the spring equinox, show deference to a slave and then make his master beg for apple-shavings.

44. Make a powder from the bones of a lich felled by your own hand. Mix it with banewort and flywhile. Drink it.

45. Befriend a flind and aid it in a mad venture.

46. Walk 400 miles on foot, to the Vast Salamander Plain, then drink buttermilk from a conch.

47. Mount the Typhoon Beast of Zorg'rax'ull and ride it until it dies of exhaustion.

48. Learn the Ritual of 8000 Indigos as carved on the Pleasant Wall and thereby banish the Dispersed Megalopolis.

49. Devise a stratagem to defeat the Nine Plausible Grotesques and, accompanied by 4 companions, enact it.

50. Deliver justice to twenty random souls.

51. Enter the pyramid of Nizin Noxx and acquire the embalmed jugular of a 300,000 year old vizier.

52. Flay the flesh from a pheasant, then cause it to be coronated by a nation of at least 10,000.

53. Hunt nine unicorns, take their shadows, sew them to the feet of devils.

54. Hunt the Hand of Vecna, attach it to a living host.

55. Find the smallest and the largest beast in Darken Dayr Emmel, cause the former to overcome the latter in a deadly contest.

56. Cultivate and then weave the silk of the Plasmic Moth and wear a shirt of it during the inauguration of a leader elected by plebiscite.

57. Perform one of the Hidden Scores composed by the great Anagorax on the Organ of The 5 Imprications.

58. Travel to the court of the King of All Tigers. Insult him.

59. Discuss the theories of ludology with 2000 virgins. Devise a game they admire. Defend it in public fora for an hour or more a day for 3 months.

60. Seek the Sublime Lawns of the Palace At Trottgeist. Defend them from all comers.

61. Drink the red milk of the Lactating Enchanter.

62. Find the Lost Drama of the Speckled Stone. Perform it in three theaters.

63. Locate the mighty Xag Ya and Xeg Yi, say to each in turn "Come at me, orb". Endure such consequences as ensue.

64. Concoct a unique scent from the musk gland of the Murder Ox. Use it to lure the Xiamorgh from its bleak tower on the Plane of Lourdes.

65. Clothe a bastard in the raiment of a Lord of Hell.

66. Murder a frost giant unaided while a red sun burns and the call of carrion birds echoes across the escarpments and pale plains of the colorless waste.

67. Solve the Five Puzzles of Ethreel En Nazh Nathron and obtain the gems of his ancient gallery.

68. Match wits with an alien philosopher until it shrieks and melts into meat.

69. Note the tritones in the mid-day howl of the Sound Fiend, devise a countersong, perform it.

70. Confuse the Parliament of Gargantua with specious notions and then seize their Marbled Jewel.

71. Be knighted in 3 nations.

72. Rescue 12 innocents from death by hanging.

73. Taste the amber fungi of the Butcher's Forest and set down the visions thus initiated in the Book Of Clathchaurn Chlaad.

74. Spy on the Midmarch Court of the Unseelie and report their doings to the Goblin King.

75. Drain the venom from the heads of 3 medusae into a summer fruit. Eat it.

76. Go to the Mourning Height and meet the Flat Scholar. Elope with at least two of his vampire children.

77.  Steal into the fastness of Archbishop Norngillian and replace five verses in the Codex of Nynglisten with corresponding ones from the The Orvalian Heterodoxies.

78. Collect the tongues of astrologers from every nation in your hemisphere and tie them together in an Oracular Orb measuring 3 feet in diameter.

79. Build a house as tall as a Tarrasque in the deepest jungle.

80. Build a bridge-city for inch-high men from lumber, tin and black lead that crosses the River of Impenetrable Devices.

81. Build a ship from only clocks, sail it to the Isles of Drownesia.

82. Erect public temples to a pair of antithetical gods in the center of a great metropolis. Recruit at least 132 adherent for each.

83. Speak to the Despised Winds at every dusk, and spend an hour in the service of the Despised Winds each night for one month.

84. Patronize each inn and public house along the Mildewed Circuit, writing an honest account of the service and fare of each for posterity and the benefit of travelers.

85. Purge the Forest of Sclerotics of evil influence with the aid of goblin-hunting dogs.

86. Make the acquaintance of allies separated by a continent, serve as their messenger for five exchanges.

87. Duel all comers during the Festival Of Obscurity in the Rigid Disrict.

88. Recover a rusted box from the bottom of Massacre Lake.

89. Eat of the grains and meats of the land until overtaken by fatness and thereafter decry, before at least 10 witnesses and for at least 8 months, all images of women dressed in the garb of harlots.

90. Adopt a child and pledge, on pain of death, to raise it in the service of the Ring Wolf.

91. Bite a hydra's buttock.

92. Construct a house where noble women come to bathe in exotic lathers and cleansing salts. Staff it with trained tamarinds and burn it to the ground on a dismal Thursday.

93. Roll a living beholder like a boulder over the heart of a sleeping titan and onto its shoulder.

94. Scorn all offers of aid for ninety-nine days.

95. Contrive a scheme that successfully bests the Nimbus Minox in a contest of Labyrinths.

96. Contrive a confection of sugar, water, and hog gelatin, whip it to a spongy consistency, cast into a cylindrical shape and coat it in starches. Roast it over the flames of your most fearsome enemy. Consume it.

97. Consult the Groaning Tarot concerning the fortunes of 5 queens, and then ensure these come to pass.

98. Consult the bald and bearded Torchbearer of the Burning Land. Scorn his counsel for the company of women.

99. Find a goat that is a polymorphed architect.

100. Find an architect that is a polymorphed goat. Employ it.
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Anybody know what these things are called?

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Is it a card catalogue cabinet? Because I found one today...

...and it's perfect.

Especially if you're like me & you're always running a game and then you're like "I know I have more gnolls than this..."

So I made this stupid blog entry in case anybody was like "Oh fuck, good idea, I should ebay those"

I keep the fragile ones under these cubes--5 CD cases+packing tape

Also, if you didn't know, the standard milk-crate is the same size as the standard RPG book.
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Six Thoughts On A Thousand Dead Babies

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1. An adventure module by Zzarchov Kowalski. Dark secrets in a quiet town, devil cult, some interesting magic items and spells, works with any TSR-era D&D or clone or the author's own system (Neoclassical Geek Revival). Whimsy and disgusting death. Written by Zzarchov Kowalski.

2. The sparse art is the closest I've seen to Sin City era Frank Miller illustrating a D&D module. Jez Gordon did it. He also did that cool map in Qelong. He also plays Man Rider. He is becoming an impressive figure. Why Zzarchov didn't have him do the cover I'll never know.

3. It says "OSR"in it a lot. Most consumers are not going to know what "OSR" means. Unless we assume only the kind of people who'd read this review and so probably know OSR stands for Old School Renaissance (of TSR-style D&D) would ever pick this module up. Which might be true.

4. It is efficient, engagingly written, mechanically solid, and there's a sense of...anticipatory and ominous giggling?--as if the man with the banana peel knows that when you slip on this peel when there stars are in just this position, the laughter will rend the sky.

5. This is integral to recognizing it as special: if you get the joke and dig it, then it's going to seem like clever mischief. If you don't, it's still absolutely playable: there are factions and red herrings and there is a small dungeon with obstacles that would entertain any group I know for an hour or two and it's very possibly still worth your four dollars and your twenty seven cents, it just won't stick out as being terribly unusual.

6. If you like both of these and you like that both appear in the same thing, you'll probably like A Thousand Dead Babies (spoilers--highlight to read):

A SMALL LEATHER POUCH FILLED WITH TEETH
The teeth in this bag are all from an adult human (or humanoid). There are 23 teeth in total, all but 4 are charred. Burning a tooth will cause a billowing cloud of fog to fill the area with 75 cubic feet of fog. They quickly become damaged if exposed to light. 

THE SCROLL OF MANLEATHER
This is a two foot tall rolled up piece of human leather, tied shut with a bloodstained piece of twine. It contains a spell to enlarge a goose into a monstrous bloodthirsty. . . goose. The spell appears to have originally been recorded as a tattoo that someone decided to remove from its previous owner. The spell is called Dire Goose. 



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Anybody Know These Mystery Miniatures?

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I won these off a mechanic in a bar bet years ago. The guy said they were from the original Space Marine game but I'm not sure I believe him. Anyone know what they are?




They appear to be morons with one eye and space bazookas

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Slow War...

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...on a Flat Planet.

A play-by-post wargame in the background of D&D games I'm running.

The factions are...
The fearless dwarves of Lanthanum Chromate+10 in battle but slow on the march. 
Archbishop Sarpedon, blessed of Tiamat. His "4 claws and 5 fangs"--an army of welded warbands--is possessed of powerful chaos magic (dumb ideas welcome and a bonus to succeed) but prone to faction and disobedience (GM rolls 1 in 6 chance of fuckup). He is currently drawing these forces toward The Spasm beneath the former fortress of deceased Ferox.
Pharoah Nas Akhu Khan She En Asbiu.  His city is built around the skull-faced sphinx of Temple of the Red Sun, occupied by the Rusted Lich, commands 20,000 githyanki and the Maidens Of The Powerslave. Being soulless desert-fiends unable to mix with normal men, they have no spy network, but their stronghold is immune to assault.
The Negatsar of the Chaos Wastes is so vast he cannot move, wheeled upon 40 thrones by dead-eyed servants. His hordes of fork-tongued Slavians actually all kinda average out, gamewise. They are obedient all-purpose freaks of the White-Tiger Bleak Tundra.
The Half King, a Larch Prince of Faerie. The spying and scrying network of the Faerie is impressive. They are less capable in open battle: -10. Due to an ancient contract, if he should directly attack the forces of the Pale King, his armies will lose 1/4 of their strength.
The Pale King Artorius, the Pale King of Gilliam-Briarbraddock, comes from the land of Annwn with all his horses and all his men (leaving all his wolves and all his women to defend his kingdom under the able command of Good Queen Jenny ). Black eyed, extravagantly bearded, very cautious, and always in search of new lands to tax, he inevitably heeds the counsel of his Hatter.
He is served by Pale Knights--a fantastic cavalry in shining armor (+20 in a stand up fight) who nevertheless cannot cross running water unaided (they'll need an ally, or slaves). Due to an ancient contract, if he should directly attack the forces of the Half King, his armies will lose 1/4 of their strength.
The Goblin King of Gaxen Kane. Inverted in speech, inverted in mind, he walks on the ceiling and is bound to his shadow. His hog-balloon spies keep him extremely well-informed of enemy activity and are, perhaps, the key to his nation's ability to survive despite its vulnerable position between Cobalt Reach and Nornrik.
Ching Shih, a Pirate Queen of Enraki, and mistress of the White Scar. No-one moves faster at sea, but her reavers are ill-equipped to fight on land (-10).

Her sister Rogue Traitor--The Sleeping Captain Ba'Al'Sheeba--is an exiled vampire of Gyorsla and her ship is the Blood Angel. Her fleet carries its wealth where it goes, so she has no headquarters to attack, however, as she must sleep so long as the waves move beneath her, her crew can sometimes misinterpret orders if they are alone at sea for too long.
Nyvyan, Colorless Queen of Nephilidia, the Eversinking Isle of seafrost and rime is, like all Nephilidian vampires, amphibious. Her forces are +10 to fight at sea, but due to the elaborate rituals and towering Rook Golems that attend their land movements, they cannot cross land with any stealth. It is immediately obvious when Nephilidia goes on the march.
High in the mountains, nearly touching the sky, are the domes and spires of the wondrous City of Tellach Avail , home to the great Caliph Naxthrool, his craven vizier En Sabath Null (advised by leopards) and the stunning Labyrinth of Nightingales. The caliph's forces are ill-equipped, at present, to fight in the cold climes north of the Palace of Ferox (-10 up there) but enchantments protect his eternal city from all assault from without.
The Frost Giant Queens of Nornrik rule the cruel cold elves there. One is smitten with a witch of Vornheim. It is said they can call on the spirits of the wind to aid them in various ways (+5 to various things, depending on how this is used), but are despised by the southern gods (-20 to fight south of the Palace of Ferox).
The Gilded Princesses of Drownesia wield curved blades from the backs of parasaurs. Their distant home is effectively invulnerable to assault, but the territory is strange to them, so they move slowly over both land and sea.
There is a Red King, and he is terrible and he is tall. He wears a red crown. The long red years have made him strange and he hides from the sun, sleeping, his strange dreams making unseen days stranger. Sleeping, he dreams of ruin and of distortion--of an Antiland, reversed and red. When he opens his red eyes in the red night there is his red land: it is inverted, rigid, and wrong.

His vampire armies cannot cross running water unaided but may, through Looking Glass Magic, begin the game in any civilized area, and return to Voivodja through that same portal at any time.

There is a cruel Queen of Hearts: she is in a different castle and she is on a different mountain and she sleeps in a different wooden box, but she is also hiding and dreaming. She dreams into being a world unending, unbeginning, with wonder and murder, disruption and unreason. And melancholy green gardens. And it is there now. And hers.

Her armies have the same restrictions as the Red King's.

From Yoon Suin sails Liangyu Hui, the Oligarch of Silaish Vo. He represents a human polity, but he is a desert troll. How he ended up as the Oligarch is a mystery.

Like the Drownesians, he carries his supplies with him and his home is effectively invulnerable to attack, however, he, too, is in unexplored territory, and so moves slowly.



 From somewhere deep within the unknown corridors of the Cruel City, the Hex King emerges each night onto the tower's balcony and whispers enigmatic decrees.

In times of unusual confusion, the Hex King orders his attendants to drop a goat from the balcony onto the square, where the hidden meanings encoded in the patterns and positions of the resulting blood and innards are interpreted for the populace by a shrill crone.

His armies are mad, and so obey such orders as they grasp feebly, but the King has access to strange magics (bonus to your chance of fucked up idea working).


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Moves:

Make a move at any time by telling me. Do whatever you want. I'll inform you what needs to be done to resolve your action.

There'll be a lot of rulings-not-rules and Common Law game design here.

Most of the rest of this is just nitpicking and I-dotting, so don't let it intimidate you....

Timing and Speed:

I'll try to get back to y'all at least once per day. Actions where timing is immediately important will be resolved in order of fastest action first.

Nominally, each day represents at least a day, so put everything you want done (including if/thens) in your orders.

Movement:

If it comes up, moving over water is twice as fast as marching over land. "Fast" troops are 10% faster than normal ones and slow ones 10% slower. Normally it takes about a day to march 4 spaces (24 miles).

Strength:

Basically you start with 100 Strength. This is the currency you use for a lot of things representing wealth, power, influence, etc. 1 strength point represents 1% of your army (usually about 1000 hd worth of regulars) or 10 levels/HD worth of special types (including whatever is needed to train, transport and feed them)--like if you need an assassin, you can spend a Strength point to get a 10th level assassin or spend a strength point to make a little force of 2 3hd fighters and one 4th level wizard, etc.

(At the start, some armies (like the goblin army) are big (100,000 goblins) some, like the Pharaoh's (20,000 Githyanki + slaves) are small, but the total strength of those forces is equal. One Githyanki's effectively worth 5 goblins.)

When you win fights or take important territory you win Strength.

A lot of things cost no Strength, you just do 'em.

I'll keep track of how much Strength you have.

Exploration:

Every space on the map has something on it...



Just rolling around purposefully searching territory without fighting anyone else is kind of like pulling cards off the Chance pile in Monopoly--you might get something good, you might get screwed.

If you find anything good, likely at least one other faction will hear about it.

Battles:

Each side rolls d100 plus or minus modifiers plus the total Strength of the troops you sent. High roll wins, disparity equals the percent of the strength gambled that the losing side lost.

You can send as many troops as you want, but a maximum of 30 Strength worth of troops can be "gambled" on one roll. Battles larger than that go in phases, and there is time for forces to maneuver after the first engagement/roll.

Headquarters:

Many factions have a headquarters at their starting location. If you lose that, you lose half your Strength.

The Pharaoh and Caliph's headquarters' are immune to assault and the Yoon Suin and Drownesian HQs are too distant to be part of the game. Ba'Al'Sheeba has no headquarters.

Spies:

When you do secret stuff there's a pretty good chance at least one other faction will find out. This is the table I'll roll on (note the Pharaoh isn't on there, he only notices the obvious):

Who hears about your plans?

Roll d20

1 Half King
2 Half King
3 Half King
4 Goblin King
5 Goblin King
6 Goblin King
7 Hex King
8 Gilded Princess
9 Frost Giant Queen
10 Caliph Naxthrool
11 Colorless Queen
12 Ching Shih
13 Pale King
14 Negatsar
15 Dwarves
16 Archbishop Sarpedon
17 Ba'Al'Sheeba
18 Red King
19 Queen of Hearts
20 Liangyu Hui

...if I roll your own faction, your plans remain secret.

Research:

Googling words associated with the various factions and locations paired with "dndwithpornstars" on this blog is kind of like flipping through the spell list in the D&D players' book--maybe it's a waste of your life, maybe it's a fun and helpful exercise in Setting Mastery. Either way if you go "Hey look, it says right here elves will run from puppies!" then, hell, I wrote it, I guess I gotta give it to you.

Winning and Losing:

When you're out of Strength, you gotta lick your wounds and take your army home. Maybe make a new faction. Last man, woman or salient entity standing from is the winner or, if the game ends early, whoever has the most Strength when the game ends wins.

The player will be ranked, and their FLAILSNAILS D&D PCs will be awarded bonust xp based on that rank.

I'll keep score and keep track of movements on this:
Click to enlarge

Numbers refer to numbers on the green map, above.

(Mandy hasn't decided who she wants to be yet so she's not on there.)

You may start sending orders at any time.
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Opponents Wanted List

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Want someone to play D&D with ?  Or any other game?

If you wanna find someone local to roll with put your name, location, and preferred games here.

All the following people are on Google plus, so can be contacted there, if you leave a comment under this post, leave a way you can be contacted.


Doyle Tavener
Aug 27, 2013
Doyle Wayne Ramos-Tavener - Houston, TX - Pendragon


Dennis Higgins
Aug 27, 2013
Dennis Higgins, Eastern Long Island -- Make me an offer... I play too many games to list. 


Christopher Helton
Aug 27, 2013
Chris Helton; St. Petersburg FL; Swords & Wizardry, Fate Accelerated, Fudge-based stuff, Marvel Super-Heroes.

Edit: Call of Cthulhu. I don't know why I forgot that.


Timothy Stone
Aug 27, 2013
WFRP 2e, BECMI, S&W.
Richmond, VA ("West End")


Ron Edwards
Aug 27, 2013
Ron Edwards, Chicago area (north suburbs), Illinois - playtesting mine & others' games, mostly


Brandon Vaughan
Aug 27, 2013
Brandon Vaughan; Federal Way, Wa. D&D 1e/2e, Pathfinder, Call of Cthulhu, Savage Worlds, Carcosa, LotFP, WFRPGv2, Labyrinth Lord, Swords & Wizardry (Whitebox only), and Traveller....

I'm also down to DM all but CoC and WFRPG.


Michael Pfaff
Aug 27, 2013

We run an ACKS (B/X) "West Marches" style game in Louisville, KY. We've around 15-20 active players and two DMs running the same campaign world for nearly 200 sessions now.

Always looking for cool new players.

Web: www.louisvillednd.com


tony dowler
Aug 27, 2013

Tony Dowler, Seattle. Anything reasonably close to OD&D will be accepted.


Noah Marshall
Aug 27, 2013
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Noah Marshall, Oakland, CA.
Currently running hacked up ACKS, but willing to run anything OSR, and play in anything. Playstyle is verycasual. Drinking is encouraged.
Usual play group is a pretty tight group of old friends, but everybody is welcoming to strangers.

EDIT: Oh yeah. I will run Dungeon Crawl Classics Dark Sun if you let me. Be careful.




Matt L.
Aug 27, 2013

Matt from Seattle.

I started on D&D 4e.

I've been converted to old school D&D in principle but I haven't really played much.


Jez Gordon
Aug 27, 2013

Jez, Northern Beaches, Sydney. Oz.

KangaRat Murder Society Founder, will give most games a go, and more than happy to show new gamers how to play. 


Joey Lindsey
Aug 27, 2013

Joey, SF Bay Area (will probably end up in Oakland), will try most anything, but currently wanting to play WFRP 1 or 2e, Call of Cthulhu, WH40K RPG, Elric!, After the Bomb, and Marvel FASERIP. (I missed all those back in the day).
+Noah Marshall  let me know if you get the DS DCCRPG game or something going, I sadly left my in-person group on the East Coast.




Marcus Tsong
Aug 27, 2013
Marcus Tsong, Brooklyn. Currently running a Dungeon Crawl Classics game in faux-Indonesia (that may travel to Qelong soon). Also prepping a new Carcosa campaign with added mecha/sentai action. Need players for both.

Would love to run or play any type of CoC as well!


Brock Cusick
Aug 27, 2013

Brock Cusick, Clay County, Florida - Basic D&D


Mark Kriozere
Aug 27, 2013

Mark, San Francisco, CA I'm trying to get a new gaming group together. I'm open to being either GM or player. I live the Central Richmond district and I'm willing to host. I'd like to play Savage Worlds, OSR (LotPF), DCC, Numenera or Mutants & Masterminds, however I am open to other games as well.




Shawn Sanford
Aug 27, 2013

Shawn Sanford
Des Moines, Iowa
Looking to put together a group for OD&D and other old school RPGs.


Brian Sailor
Aug 27, 2013
Brian Sailor
Ellensburg, WA
I like to play: OD&D, B/X, AD&D, WFRP (1st edition), RuneQuest (2nd or 3rd edition - no RQ II or Second Age (bleh)), Pathfinder, and I'm dying to try out Dark Heresy.


Aimee V
Aug 27, 2013
Aimee V, also in Oakland with +Noah Marshall's group playing that old school hack and slash. I like playing Dungeon World but not running it...


Gianni Vacca
Aug 27, 2013
Paris, France. Looking for English-speaking players for face-to-face M&M games.


Paul McCann
Yesterday 3:06 AM
Paul McCann, Tokyo

I'm up for anything, though I'd be especially interested in CoC, ORE, or rules-light games.


Ben Djarum
Yesterday 6:55 AM
Ben, Baltimore, Maryland
1st Edition AD&D, B/X D&D, Stormbringer, Warhammer FRPG, Bushido, Gamma World


Wil McKinnee
Yesterday 10:44 AM
Wil McKinney

Nashville, Tn.

TMNT & Other Strangeness
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Slow War Cables Wikileaked!

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The forces of Gaxen Kane march on Archbishop Sarpedon, who has sent a mighty host north in return, the dwarves of Lanthanum Chromate rolled a 02 against some NPC pirates in the first major battle of the war, but the rest is shrouded in Fog and Mystery.

Nevertheless, some diplomatic correspondence from Slow War has reached the general public, allegedly due to one Sir Manning, alleged thrall of one Lady Germanotta...
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I'm sending a modest delegation being all like

"Greetings from ______. We present you with this communication from the Penumbral Princess Chimera Moon"< revealing  a cage with a gift of a Tarantella: a bunch of minstrels sewn together into a horrible spider shape> " For maximum potency of the wisdom bringing drugs of the liver, it should eaten raw and torn from the Tarantella while it is alive and still trying to kill you"

"We trust this makes _______ intentions perfectly clear"

Cool. Send a cake in reply. Made from liver and spices and surprisingly sweet.

Second hamper with an onyx spider connected to some unbowed ribbon at the bottom, covered with wooden and woven ornaments of many fantastic creatures, people and buildings. At the top is a jar of warm, golden sand.

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A man chained to a little boat, at the bow of which is an oracular pig arrives and claims he has a message from _____. 
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(rumbling) IT IS CALENDRICAL. AWAKE Attentiveness Plausible HECATON CONFIGURATION : I AM THE FATHER. I AM TIME. Patience FROM MY MOUTH THE EGG. THE EGG IS TIME. FROM TIME A VOICE. THE VOICE IS WITHIN THE EGG.

ACCESSING FUTURE MEMORY (sound of stone scraping) DELEGATION AS EXPECTED. STAY THE DOG AND BROOM : Time Allotment redacted

(escorted by utterly armored and fur-cloaked warrirors, an assembly of hooded monks bring forth a human sized egg on an ornate litter. the egg is struck with a platinum hammer. there is a chime of sublime purity, followed by three phased echoes. the egg cracks. from the egg spills a flood of tar, containing a nude, twitching figure.)

FROM THE EGG, SLOWNESS. THE SLOWNESS IS TIME. FROM TIME, A CHILD: ЇАЊОС́. THE CHILD IS THE FUTURE. Time Offset redacted

(the nude figure wriggles and chimes)

A monk translates. "His centipedal immensity is self-satisfied that your honored subcollectivity arrives at the accordant time." 

(rumbling) MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL COORDINATION ANTICIPATED

A different monk continues, "Please reiterate your recognized agenda for recorded posterity. Forms in quadruplicate are to be completed hence."
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Responsibilities of _______
1) The _______ shall appoint a Seer to perform for ______ divinatory rituals calling on the Demon Princes of the Surface Slime, whose scummy film washes upon all shores, composed of the accumulated evils that drain from the earth.
2) The ________ is allowed to keep one of his ______ in order to ease the observation of these divinations.
3) No denizen of ________, even the ______, may call the Cruel Sovereign by the same title twice in the one day.

Responsibilities of _____
1) No denizen of _______ may kill a spider, clear a pool of algae, or fell a cypress, water-oak, or willow within the bounds of the city.
2) The above verminous life may be claimed by _______ ships passing ______.
3) A single blind locathah thrall of ________ may enter ______(normally forbidden) to claim white honeysuckle containing the sweet savor of children’s tears.

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(Note: translated from goblinish: possibly garbled)

We definitely should not form an aggression pact instead, as ______ wishes to become invested in the wars of everyone.
 
Know that _____ has a quarrel with you and wishes to be intimately involved in all of your affairs, and believes that friendship is impossible between us, even if the past.
 
Then it is not settled. Contrariwise Goblinish anti-talk makes thing astonishingly clear.

Military support is necessary. _____ merely needs to not tell _____ when threatening troops movements are detected and ______ will share information from all of his spies and those of his allies. 

Additionally, this agreement is not a secret.

Your lack of fluency in the Goblin tongue brings us great sorrow.

_______ did not spurn my advances though the _______ is now my sworn enemy. A gigantic snail-beast has not been seen _________ nor have troop movement been seen in _____ (also an enemy of mine though poor Goblinish makes this ambiguous).

Bad.  Bad.  ________ will not agree to such a proposal, and may never decide to send troops if _____ becomes bored with peace.
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My spies have intercepted a transmission which may be of value to you. At this moment, it is given freely, as both powers involved are distasteful to me.

But I hope you will remember us in ______ should an opportunity to do us a reciprocal kindness arise.

(TRANSMISSION REDACTED)

Reply: Yeah, been a lot of shit stirring going on already, ____, no one can trust anyone already. Not a matter of who will betray you as, who won't and not if as when.

Nonetheless, I, _____ am an utterly and completely straightup and honest geezer of impeccable moral standing, kneeling and lying prone on the floor. 

I take the information on board with thanks, and if it turns out to be bullshit, I'll gut you and toss your liver out for the crows. Sound fair enough?
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While The World Holds Its Breath....

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The first major confrontation of the Slow War has begun, as the imperialist merchant fleet of Noism's Yoon Suin lead by the desert troll Huang Liu face the navy of Humza's Pharaoh Nas Abu Khan Pharaoh Nas Aakhu Khan She En Asbiu in the port of Abu Zin Zeer...
From whose docks, in pretty much a total coincidence, my Monday D&D group is currently looking on in fascinated terror.
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Meanwhile, through certain dumbwaiter shafts in obscure chambers, one can, on a 2 in 6, hear muffled Google+ conversations between rival potentates.


Even now both ______ and______ divest their lands of much of their forces to prosecute our great war against _______. Leaving them undefended from the _____.

I hope you will join us in out crusade against _____________.

I have no interest in hostility to him or ______. Have some chocolate. It's good.

Good to know. Fancy a biscuit with that? Cup of tea?

Sure. I have some fey wine if your interested? How do_____  feel about those to the sandy wests?

We have had no contact with them and have made no agreements either way.

Indeed. And tell me about this great war against _____. _____ sounds more amusing than _____. Why all this bother with the war against ____?

It's just this years fad you know?

Actually I'm pissed because I found _____ bodies on my border with the sign of ______ on them. 

I have a feeling of doom though because my kingdom is next to _____. It's only a matter of time really.

That sounds suspicious.

Anyway, I think ___________________________________________________________.


Anyway that's just my opinion. My ambitions lie elsewhere. I long for the novelty of ______. I've already tried all the drugs here.

Be careful up there. I would be totally unsurprised if someone else had killed my guys.

I'm working on controlling my coast, so, if that goes well, and if you get into trouble up there, feel free to come back and hang out or whatever.

ALSO - It is said _______'s forces are dividing: one heading to the ____ coast, another spreading out to scout and plunder around _____.

Of no interest to me, but possibly of use to you? Have some Dwarven bread. it keeps for weeks.

I'm going near there to try use the confusion to steal balloons.
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*UPDATE: While the Warlord Emiri Al Qasit was distracted by this action in his harbor a 40 strong force of the Red King's vampire knights entered the city through a discarded mirror in the high city and took Abu Zin Zeer for himself!
( +Michael Moscrip is now winning)
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GodEyeHate

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So it all started when Patrick looked on the map and said "Well we should go to (the heretofore neglected) Abu Zin Zeer--it's a port, they'll probably have some idea which way the elves took the Eye of Vorn"...

So to Abu Zin Zeer they went. They were to have a meeting with the thieves' guild next session to discuss getting into the high end of the city, where Lord Gormengeth and his sticking-out-like-a-sore-thumb white elves were last seen heading with their suspicious 25-foot wide crate.

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But a funny thing happened on the way to the next session... namely a game of Slow War, wherein Dr Noisms, playing eastern interloper Liangyu Hui in that domain-scale wargame, hired one 10th-level and 2 5th level assassins to kill the Warlord of Abu Zin Zeer. I rolled on the AD&D assassination tables and they all failed miserably.

And then Noisms sailed his fleet into the harbor.

And the pharaoh did, too

And Michael sent the Red King's vampire troops in there through a mirror to seize the city.

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So your humble narrator and GM figures that in the timeline of the game, all this Slow War stuff happens after the D&D session the players are currently in, giving them time to do their thing and, if they fuck Abu Zin Zeer up so bad it makes the Slow War events impossible, then, ok, alternate universe.
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The players are, however, having horrible nightmares of things to come.
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Now the players meet with the thieves' guild, who, naturally, have a shadowy figure sent by Liangyu Hui offering to aid the PCs getting up to the palace in exchange for them slaying the Warlord. Makes perfect sense and thank you Noisms for the vicarious plot assist. Players take a 5000gp downpayment. 
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The PCs then devise a wonderful, elaborate plan: druid turns into an exotic bird, is delivered by the fighter as a gift from his army to the Warlord's. They roll well on charisma and the Warlord invites them into the palace.
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However.... this all takes a day. So it's beginning to overlap the first day of the Slow War timeline. I roll to see when Noisms first assassination attempt takes place...7 AM. 

So, right after the party starts, one of the harem girls (a hijra) leaps toward with a wavy blade to decapitate the Warlord. Despite or perhaps because of the fact that this random NPC is about to do his job for him, the party fighter gets initiative and lops off the hijra's hand.

So, Noisms, that's why assassination attempt #1 failed. If you were wondering.

As for why the other 2 failed? Well, it's complicated...

Taking a look at the disposition of the palace...
They concocted a plan for heisting the 20' diameter eye of the Grim Grey God of Iron And Rain whose essentials should be obvious to anyone with even a passing familiarity with Marble Madness...








...a plan which, if successful, would surely ensure them a large and well-appointed home in D&D-PC Valhalla.

After a lot of chaos in the palace and kinda-mapping and crawling around on roofs, the confident high level players use Detect Magic to locate the room the Eye's in and use Stone Shape to peel open the wall from the outside.

And then they saw what the elves had done to the Eye of Vorn...
God's Eye Triple Beholder MechGolem.
To make a long story short:
Three spend most of the fight unconscious.
One now made of stone.
One dead.
One palace totalled.
Everyone in the city runs.

And that, Liangyu Hui, Most August Desert Troll And Oligarch of Silaish Vo, Blessed Of The Burning Sea, Challenger of the Necropharaoh, Bringer of Murder By Sea, is why your assassination attempts failed.
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I guess next week we find out how the players escaped the city just before it was overrun by vampires...
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Barely-Supported Thesis

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There are two major strands of new fiction coming out of modernism at the beginning of the 20th century: minimalism and maximalism.

The minimal encompasses writers as diverse as: Hemingway, Beckett, Joyce Carol Oates, Margaret Atwood, George Saunders,  even, I'd say, Faulkner (compared to Joyce, whom he loved, a genuine minimalist). These writers tend to be concerned with morality and (perhaps as a knock-on effect) realism in one form or another.

The maximal encompasses writers I usually like more. They tend to write purpler and more stylish  prose and have more fanciful ideas. They tend to be more concerned with style and (and this is where it goes D&D-relevant) games.

Roughly: in their fiction, the maximalists are interested in how the world works --i.e. the rules-- whereas the minimalists are concerned with shoving how it should work up against how it does. The maximalist has methods, the minimalist has messages.

Let's take a look at games in the main current of stylish and maximal literature...

(pre-modernists)

Lewis Carroll: Cards, then chess pieces. There's a chess problem included in Looking Glass.

Robert Louis Stevenson: invented and played a wargame in his attic--or someone's. (Maximalist credentials maybe not totally intact, but important to Nabokov, prince of maximalists and to science fiction and fantasy authors, the best of whom are all maximalists).

H.G. Wells: wrote Little Wars. When he was good, it was because of style...

 His is the House of Pain. His is the Hand that makes. His is the Hand that wounds. His is the Hand that heals.

T.S. Eliot: A Game of Chess

Nabokov: I suppose I am especially susceptible to the magic of games. In my chess sessions with Gaston I saw the board as a square pool of limpid water with rare shells and stratagems rosily visible upon the smooth tessellated bottom, which to my confused adversary was all ooze and squid-cloud.

Julio Cortazar:  He'd turn a novel into a game. And, yeah, chess everywhere just for starters.

Borges: Honestly I don't read enough Spanish to say whether he's really a stylist or a maximalist, but his fans in the english speaking world are. And his stories are gamey as fuck: Garden of Forking Paths, Library of Babel.

Georges Perec:A Void and many other works are games in addition to being books. And more chess.

Donald Barthelme: a clear heir to the fluff if not the crunch of Perec and the Oulipians.

Thomas Pynchon: Games everywhere in Pynchon, but, being  the maximummest, so is everything else. Howeve: check out by how far the references to "chess" and "cause and effect" outnumber everything else under "C" in Gravity's Ranbow.

David Foster Wallace: Eschaton. (Incidentally: DFW was rare in being a maximalist writer who was obsessed with morality. He killed himself. )

(Also in the small category of moralizing maximalists is Anthony Burgess, who disowned his best novel. And very gamey.)

Martin Amis: Wrote a strategy guide to Space Invaders before he got famous. And games are all over The Information and London Fields is rich in gamelike thinking on Nicola's part.

China Mieville: Another (half the time) maximalist (half the time) interested in morality. And a man who knows his way around games.

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Dorothy Parker and Hunter S Thompson--who both rock, but both suffer a chronic lack of commitment--are somewhere in the middle, I'd say. They liked life as a game, but had only had an intermittent interest in rules. I guess I'd put George Saunders in with this "likes fun, but not exactly playful" crowd.

Vonnegut is a minimalist who's into games. There goes my thesis.
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Now here's the part where my prof tells me to go research ardent maximalists like James Joyce, William S Burroughs, Melville, and M John Harrison's relation to gaming and chase down this rumor about the Bronte sisters' wargame and actually get around to reading Tristram Shandy, which has a wargamer in it.  But I'm lazy and have a pretty painting to make and little wars to run.

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Galleries of the Nyctites

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These rooms were created collaboratively by a bunch of people on Google Plus. Credits, info and pdf version here.

You'll have to pick a start point, decide what a Nyctite is, and maybe do some stitch-up in one or two places, but I think it's mostly good to go. 
Map by Dave's Mapper using geomorphs by Brutus Motor

 1 Hall of Dust: This room is covered in a fine darkbrown dust. Several dilapidated wooden supports and dozens of wooden dowels litter the walls and floor.  (Once it was an armory but a rust monster or family of them feasted and have since wandered deeper into the complex.)


 2: Sunlight trickles in from a ragged hole in the tunnel ceiling, about 15 feet up.  Roots of large trees have pried the blocks apart and revealed an entrance to the dungeon complex.  The floor is covered in clods of dirt, small stones, and little mud puddles.

 3: The roots continue along the ceiling here and form a natural curtain across the top of the stairs leading down. Hiding within this curtain are foul little worms that crawl onto warm blooded creatures, into any visible wounds, and begin to painlessly consume their victims from within, leaving a trail of eggs in their wake.

 4: Larger eggs of the small worms in room 3 litter this area, most of them broken open, leaving only a foul smell and two larger worms with tentacles (Carrion Crawlers). Underneath the shells may be found 30 sp, and a gold ring set with a small turquoise gem worth 50 gp. Searchers have a 1 in 6 chance of contracting a foul disease.

 5: The egg trail (see 3) abruptly ends here, in saliva and worm blood.

 6. A crumpled figure in dirty rags shivers quietly here. It attempts to call out to anyone passing by, usually only managing a raspy but otherwise unintelligent cry.

If touched, or otherwise interacted with, the figure appears to have been dried out, and they crumble away while trying to utter a warning. Among their remains is a wilted (but strangely indestructible) rose, a golden dagger and an uncorked bottle with just a bit of green liquid at the bottom of it.

7. Tiny, black hens run from shadow to shadow. Red eyes, white web pattern on their backs. Their main food seems to be the worms.

 8. The sliding secret door in the stone here can be found with a standard check, however, once opened the stone door will immediate slide shut on anyone or anything attempting to cross the threshold, causing d100 damage or save for half and instantly crushing whatever is in the door.
There is a switch near the doorframe on the inside of room 13 that can be used to disable the mechanism if it can be reached.
(One way to get past is to use the indestructible rose--see 6--to wedge the door open while groping around for the switch.)

 9. 15 ghouls, one lives in each alcove (hp: 10 ea.)  The ghouls are coated in yellow mould, and hitting one has a 50% chance of releasing a puff of spores in a 10ft diameter cloud around the monster.  If turned, they flee towards room #10.  One of the ghouls has a clerical scroll of three spells: cure disease, cure blindness and neutralise poison.  Poking around in the ghouls' niches with bare hands has a 25% chance of disturbing a tiny but extremely poisonous spider (save or die); gauntlets, or poking with an object, is safe.

 10. Blood drips slowly from a red stain on the ceiling.  The dripping blood is always here, but there are never more than two or three drops on the floor the first time the party sees it.

11. Tears drip from a wet stain on the ceiling here. The dripping blood is always here, but there are never more than two or three drops on the floor the first time the party sees it. If any dead creature should touch the dripping tears here and the dripping blood at location 10, it will be transformed into a ghoul.

 12. This large area has the walls decorated with frescoes reminiscent of Goya's Black Paintings. Haunted figures populate strange landscapes, along with depictions of Witches' Sabbaths and the hypocrisy of human institutions. There is a 1 in 6 chance that a ghoul lurks in the shadows, surprising victims 50% of the time.

 13. The Corpulence sleeps here, on an altar, facing the paintings in 12. 4 powerful Nyctites in white robes drain his fat, blood, tears and sweat away for obscure purposes using globe-reservoired syringes of yellow glass. At any moment, d4 are present. Each resembles a figure in one of the paintings, as does the Corpulence. They cannot be harmed while their corresponding painting is intact.

 14. This corridor slopes ten feet up and has murder holes leading to 18. and 19. before sloping down into 15.
Party may roll stealth to avoid alerting whatever is below them to their presence.
Secret door to 16 is trapped with a poison needle.

 15. This room is a Nyctite Alchemist's experimentation chamber. The door is one-way and locks those inside 15. Once someone is inside, the alchemist (in the adjacent secret room) starts releasing various gasses into the room and observing the effects each have. On a failed save, roll below for effects (d6):
1.Each PC affected believes that their (or another affected PC's) finger can be used as a key to unlock the door somehow.
2.Each PC affected is wracked by terrible headaches (1 dmg). Additionally, any spellcasters loose one random spell.
3.Each PC affected starts emitting strong fragrances from their skin, and will do so for another 1d3 hours. This will make it difficult to surprise anyone during this time.
4.Each PC affected will shrink 10-60% (d6), but will gain d6 of a random stat and d6 hp for 1d2 hours.
5.Each PC affected is overwhelmingly adored by cats (any cats) for the next 5 years.
6.Nothing happens, however, the PCs 'feel weird' (play on this to build tension).

16. A heavy armoire inlaid with gold and lapis lazuli (poorly) conceals the "secret" door to the east. There are dried bloodstains around it. It is a mimic (though it cannot assume any other form; HD 6; AC 6; 2 attacks, can swallow if both hit), and a pet/creation of the alchemist in rooms 14 & 15. Table and chairs sit in the center of the room. A tripwire stretched across the north entrance will alert the alchemist to intruders (it rings a cheery bell if not avoided). Shelves on the west wall contain countless jars, vials, and pots (all empty, but hermetically sealable). The secret door to the south is covered by a tapestry depicting dragons fighting (500 GP), and the secret door behind is obvious to magic-users and elves, and cannot be found or operated by anyone else, even if searching.

 17: This large chamber is used as the Nycite Alchemist's storage room. There are stacks of barrels and crates. Several of them are stenciled on the outside with the warnings "Caution! Contents may be of extra-planar provenance!" in various languages.
The crates contain:
1 - One large piece of cloudy yellow crystal - if touched with bare hands, the crystal will melt into a syrupy brown liquid.
2 - Mummified body of a Manes demon. Not dead, but in a state of suspended animation.
3 - 333 kobold skulls, painted yellow with blue sigils.
4 - A petrified saber-toothed monkey bat.
5 - 20 jars of apple cinnamon stun-jelly.
6 - The preserved heart and kidneys of a Remorhaz floating in a large jar of green liquid.
The barrels contain:
1 - assorted goblin, hobgoblin and hobgoblin teeth.
2 - ossified maggots.
3 - rusty iron nails.
4 - tiny slugs preserved in a strange oil.
5 - coconut crabs packed in sweet brandy.
Against the west wall of the room is a large Storm Giant's skull. Hidden behind the skull is a secret door. The switch to open the door is hidden within the skull's nostrils. 

 18:  A prison/torture chamber.  The murder holes in 15 above allow the prisoners to be stabbed from above.

Gnarx, a troll is imprisoned here, chained.  The cultists torture him on a frequent basis.  If attacked, he will be enraged.  If let loose, he will help the party.  If killed, he inflicts a dying curse on his killer.

 19 A large, sentient Catalytic Plasm that coats the floor to a depth of 3 feet. The alchemist  in 15 occasionally drops flasks through the murder holes in the floor of 14 and observes the effects. If the alchemist becomes aware her area of the dungeon has being invaded she will drop down a mixture that causes the plasm to boil and send hot gobs of flesh-eating bacteria flying up through the murder holes for 2 hours.

 20. Behind elaborately carved double doors of bone lairs the Master of the Nyctites. This august personage is clothed in straps and sutures, which interpenetrate his flesh. He despises interruptions. He is immune to effects involving pain, due to the residues of The Corpulence he imbibes. He never sleeps.

The door in the north wall is concealed with plaster, and if one listens at the wall, one can hear the paramour of the Master moaning in pain, entombed in the cell on the other side.

1d3 odd and disturbing artworks rest in this room, which are both bulky and delicate. They could be sold in a large city for 1d12 x 100 gp each.

 21. Appears to be a magical laboratory. Counters line the southern and eastern walls, with drawers underneath, upon which sits 1 extremely convoluted set of interconnected vials, tubes, flasks, etc (tubes and lines arch over the southern doorway). The rest of the room is clear except for 3 distinctly magic circles. 22-26 appear to be holding cells with transparent, magical barriers (the key to unlock them is missing). Each cell holds one creature of bizarre and terrible form.

 22: the creature behind the magical barrier is a small conical blue creature, that looks a little like a mushroom. When you speak in its presence, your words appear above your head in runic script; but often slightly altered...

 23: A gibbering mouther fills the chamber and is pressed up against the barrier like a face against a glass door

 24. A horrific six foot tall toddler, with a soiled diaper and an oversized rag doll, wails in this chamber...

 25. Ever see that part in Alien: Resurrection where there's all these failed attempts to clone Ripley? Well there are 4 failed attempts to clone a random member of the party in here.

 26. There's a shoggoth in here.  It's one of the kind where the faces of the creatures it's eaten bubble to the surface every so often and mewl and growl and moan.

For the first few days after they're eaten, they may even talk, or babble, or shriek curses, assuming they were capable of talking before.  But for all that, this shoggoth is very kind and loving.  It's not its fault that its keeper just fed it whomever was available.  It's been in the cell a very long time, and it's extremely lonely.

It bonds with the first party member that opens the door and lets it out, and just wants to flow around him and lean up against his legs and generally be underfoot.  It is, however, very jealous, and will attack any other being that tries to get within five feet.

 27. Steeply angled corridor. Door facing into 27 has angry fuckoff spikes on it and seals itself behind crawlers after first time the pass through. Floor and walls covered with thick slime, the kind you used to dump on Beast-Man and Fisto. NOT actual dreaded green slime, has a bit of glitter to it. PCs covered in it will find it repels insects and permanently stains the skin with little oil-puddle rainbows. Door leading to/from 27 usually locked but can be opened by usual methods, as well as by praising (worst evil god in your campaign) loudly enough for any party cleric's own gods to hear ("Praise Orcus!" or whatever is written in big iron letters everywhere there isn't spikes in the door.). Your cleric spells/spells your cleric tries on you may fail. Towel station at end of corridor, facing 28.
 One of towels a golden fleece.

28. This is the antechamber of the Paramour's Eunuch. The Master has tasked this Nyctite with tending to the needs of his mistress, and this room is where he creates the protein infusions which sustain her. There is an impressive collection of Nyctian labware here which would garner both a high price and a lot of undue attention if sold.

The Eunuch's rubbery capirote allows him to passwall at will, which he uses to enter the Paramour's chamber, a tank of cloudy yellow fluid between rooms 20 and 27 (both doors open onto the glass walls of the tank).

29. The double doors are golden on this side but stone on the other. It would take a tremendous feat of strength or magic to open them. The altar opposite the doors is dedicated to The Great Martyr. In the center of the room is a well. Anyone making an appropriate sacrifice (their own blood, pain, or tears) is rewarded in accordance with their sacrifice. While sacrificing other's possessions results in the loss of their own equivalents.

Sacrificing the indestructible rose (6) causes the strange green liquid (6) to be replenished.

30. One Hildegard Flensingripe, celebrated painter of the Ducal Court long-disappeared, works upon an altarpiece. Assisting her are; a ghoul from whose body varicoloured abscesses and fissures and seeping orifices provide foetid pigments, and the animated skeleton of a child with guttering candles of tallow mounted in its skull. A raspy little whisper comes from the empty air. Hildegard seems scarcely aware of intrusion so intent is she on the painting and the whisper. The work itself is of sumptuous mutilation and roses and is exquisite beyond imaging

 31. A clockwork man is painting the walls with the iridescent green slime while another incinerates worms streaming from the nest in 33. They completely ignore humanoids and only attack vermin. You could probably just walk off with these if they didn't weigh 400 lbs each.

32. The chamber is magically kept in complete darkness, blocking out all sight, including magical forms. The statue is of a mind flayer cursing the sun above it, depicted in an agate and crystal ceiling mosaic (Intact: 2,000 gp, as stones: 250gp). Within the room resides the Nyctite Prophetess, now a wight. She carves her prophecies into the walls, and will ignore others so long as they leave her and the room alone. She will prophesy in exchange for blood. Her eyelids are sewn shut, and within her eye sockets are two pieces of amber, containing spiders, which grant her ability to prophesy.

She "sees" with the aid of the Gold Spider Necklace of the Old Lord of Sipan (google). When worn by a mortal, each of the dozen spiders in the necklace sink their fangs into the wearer and drain his blood (1hp/turn net) and spin several web filaments. They are so thin as to be invisible to the naked eye, but glow in the ethereal plane. The filaments are repelled by each other and thus form a cloud around the wearer. They interact physically with the environment, and this causes the spiders of the necklace to twitch their legs and fangs. A practiced wearer can interpret these motions to "feel" in a 30' cloud about herself. (The prophetess powers the necklace with drained life energy and protein from room 28.)

 33. Square Area: The empty spot in the middle is a long stone "chimney" that leads to the basement of an inn. They throw garbage down the smooth, slippery, magically Silenced chute, unaware of the dungeon or the weird nest of worms spawning below - the worms are Rust Monster grubs and will become fully grown if fed steadily for 1d4+1 years. See ROOM 31. This area is turnable by a (locked) crank which allows only one horizontal exit to be open at a time (currently to the East/ROOM 31). The crank can be unlocked by 3 keys in ROOMS 1d6+20 (roll 3 times). Turning the crank is very noisy.

SOUTH AREA (where red "33" is): Each groove in the wall appears to be a long black alcove with something glittering at the end. A human, crouching, will just fit. Going into an alcove traps the creature in one of the paintings in ROOM 12, freeing the last creature thus trapped. Trapped creatures are depicted as being tortured in the paintings by The Corpulence or a Nyctite. If all paintings are destroyed when a creature enters an alcove, a new painting appears in 12 and a new Nyctite (1-4) or Corpulence (5-6) is summoned into this plane. (alternative: the creature is compelled or Gaes'd to paint a new painting, which summons one of the above.)

 34. Easewild Gaunt a Nyctite musician and Proserpine, her small, malformed servant file musical scores in this antechamber. The scores are written in Ninth Era Nyctite and require 2 rounds to sing. 5 of the 100 songs are magical and have the following effect: google the first line of the song, in quotes. Whatever effect is described in the d4th link with a  coherent line takes place. They work once. The lines in the enchanted scores are:
"The blue flames burned..."
"Water level rose until..."
"Summoned a"
"Then came a pack of"
"A skeleton began to"
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(Like f'rexample you'd google "Then came a pack of" then roll d3, get a 3, go to the 3rd link, see it says "Then came a pack of wolves to gnaw the bones of the dead men" and that happens)

 35. Old Jonas, the Canvas Stretcher, works here. Though not a Nyctite, he is tolerated for his skills and work ethic. He stretches canvases, usually created using ghoul hair and other unwholesome materials, as well as framing completed works.

If not attacked, he willingly converses with the party, though by normal standards is quite mad, having worked among the Nyctites for so long. He will proudly show off new works by his masters, some of which are cursed. After he shows off a painting, he will ask the party if they wish to see another. Roll 1d6:

-1. This work shows a scene from a random PC's past career, but twisted, so that the PC can be seen as malignant and vile in some manner. From that point on, all who meet the PC will curse and revile him for his deed, effectively giving him a negative reaction roll result. The PC will never be charged or imprisoned by the authorities for this past 'crime', but will be watched carefully by the authorities for future crimes. Remove Curse and the like will work to relieve the curse, but only if the PC commissions a master to create a work of art that shows the same scene with the facts of the matter restored, which will cost 1d6 x 1000 gp. 

-2. This painting appears to be an abstract work, but is in fact a depiction of the howling chaos at the center of existence. Each PC who views it must roll 1d20. If the roll is under their Intelligence, they understand it, and are subject to a confusion spell with no save allowed.

-3. This painting depicts an unfortunate individual being tortured by  a group of enthusiastic Nyctites. Those with knowledge of art, the court or other, similar social scenes will recognize the victim as a noted art critic and raconteur. 

-4. This is a mountainous landscape, under stars. Seemingly beautiful, those with knowledge of theology will recognize it as a scene from an eschatology which predicts the extinction of the Sun by the Mind Flayers.

-5. A portrait of a random PC, which is beautifully executed, and which both diminishes the flaws of the individual and exaggerates their better qualities. The PC so depicted gains 1d3 Charisma, permanently. 

_6. A depiction of a succubus, who seems to plead with the viewer for mercy. One random PC who views the portrait will be approached by the demon depicted, 1d4 weeks after the scenario is over, and offered the succubus' services for life. Alternately, the PC may release the succubus, in exchange for an unspecified rare and valuable item. If the PC accepts the life service, the creature will obey the PC, but will seek to subvert every order to engineer the PC's death. If the item is accepted, then the player will be rewarded with a random cursed magic item. 

Jonas is the equivalent of a 0-level human, with 4 hp.

 36 - Jin Jubboflex, a mouse-man the size of a human child, keeps a flock of 22 shadow-spider hens (see room 7) in barbed wire cages.

Jin is in the employ of the Alchemists, for whom he collects the chickens' eggs and buries them underground to incubate for several weeks before delivering them personally to the Master to use as supernaturally powerful aphrodisiacs.

Fresh eggs are immaculately smooth and utterly black in color. When broken, fire will cast no light in a 40 ft area around where the egg was broken for a duration of 1 hour, though fire itself can still be seen. The yokes are delicious.

Eggs that have been incubated for 3 weeks appear as semi-gellatinous spiders. They twitch, but do not yet move. (They must be exposed to the hatred of both its parents in order to develop into spider-chicks). These are less delicious but are known to be an incredibly powerful aphrodisiac when ingested.

Jin is distressed about the loose hens in room 7, and will offer a dozen eggs of either type if you can return the birds to the roost. While one could possibly harvest their own fresh eggs from the hens already in their cages, only Jin knows where to find the fermented eggs.

The hens act as standard with the following exceptions: When grabbing a hen, PCs must roll under DEX.  If they fail, they have only grabbed 1 wing or leg, and the hen will partially escape - the portion grabbed will remain in the captors hands, but the rest of the hen with will continue running away, unraveling as a strand of spider silk, gossamer thin. Unless the rest of the hen can be captured in 2 rounds and crammed back together, the hen will run itself to its end and may never be reconstituted.

The silk created by this method can be used to make a terribly efficient garrote that causes instant death to any mortal, as long as the assailant and the weapon haven't been seen by any mortal eyes for 20 days. The method to create this weapon is written down in a book near Jin's pile of bedding.

There is a 75% chance that Jin has the key or can otherwise access via mouse man-tunnel any other room in the dungeon. If he does have access, he will allow PCs entry if he believes there are loose hens to be collected. He doesn't know how many hens he should have in total and his mouse-man brain is easily confused.

He also fears, and refuses to talk about, the Rooster.

 37. Blocking the closed doors to 38 and 40 and along the back wall are 1d20+6 "Petitioners" - quiet, bald, emaciated, scarred, clad in dirty robes. They are docile and friendly with visitors until they discover they will not be fed to or by "The Weeping Lord"; then roll on a reaction table at -3. They are unarmed, deceptively robust, coordinated, and vicious when provoked (10 HP each, wounds they inflict bleed next round on hit roll of 16 or more.)

Rushing in from ROOM 50 are a party of NPC adventurers who are missing most of their equipment, and describe a scene totally different from whatever is actually happening in 50. They carry a poor map of the area.

 38 This spherical glass room was built as an immense retort for distilling sentient creatures, their essences rising up through a large pipe on the west wall into chamber 39.

The doors to the room will close and lock shut 10 rounds after a humanoid steps inside, and the room will begin to heat up. After 5 minutes everything inside begins to take damage from the heat and flammable items start to ignite. Damage doubles every 5 minutes for the next hour. The room then cools down for another hour before it is cleaned by unseen servants. The white slurry left over from the distillation process is pushed into room 40 where it is left to harden.

 39 The large pipe from chamber 38 splits off into hundreds of smaller metal pipes that curl and wind about the room. Each pipe leads into it's own sealed copper urn.
There are 20 shelves circling the room, with at least 20 copper urns on each.
A large bald man in a leather smock and gloves wanders the room with a large book and quill. He is Cull Frulien, and he keeps an inventory of every urn and the strange contents within. He does not speak for his tongue has long been cut out of his mouth.
Cull also keeps a fire lit in the center of the room. The smoke rising up to an opening at the center of the ceiling. There are a series of dials and gauges that Cull tends to frequently, regulating the temperature in the room.
If anyone should enter the room, Cull will ring a bell and 3-8 fire mephits will rise from the flames and attack any intruders. Cull can ring the bell and summon more mephits every 6 turns.

 40. Room lined with a strange white, styrofoam-like rock. Stepping on it produces a loud cracking noise. Wandering monsters should be rolled at a rate of one per turn while exploring this room. Any character with a combined weight of more than 250 lbs will fall through the floor down to the next level.

 41. A version of this dungeon exists in three alternate dimensions, linked by room 41. Each time you enter room 41, you enter a different one of the alternate dimensions in sequence, and are there until you enter room 41 again by a different door to go to the next one in sequence. Actions in one dimension, such as gathering the keys to the crank in the turning room just to the south, do not affect the others and must be performed again (or the equivalent puzzled out.) PCs will not see the room "change", and will probably not know they are in a new "version" until something that should be familiar is not.
Spending 12 hours in any one dimension but the PC's original will lock them there, but there are warnings in each.
Prime - the dungeon is as described in the entries here. Room 41 has torches burning in sconces, and an obscure figure is leaving by a different door than the PCs entered.
Dim - the dungeon in this version has a magical dimness reducing all light sources by 1/3, and the dungeon has almost no natural lighting. Creatures that are alive in the other dimensions are undead in this one, and vice versa. The room is not lit.
Bright - all areas are lit with a harsh, even light. Creatures wear strange armor, and the dungeon is a military center of some kind. There is an earthquake currently burying the structure, sirens, emergency, panic, soldiers rushing.

...or make up your own alternates. (Damn these never seem so friggin long til I write em out. I need to check my Greenwood factor.)

 42. There are three pedestals with golden statues of Nyctite figures worth 750 gp each. When one is removed, the room starts shaking, a false wall begins crumbling, and sounds of stone on stone come from the walls. If there is no weight on the three pedestals, another part of the room is revealed with three more statues and a door elsewhere in the dungeon opens.

 43. In this area are stacked boxes, barrels and crates. Hidden behind them is a 14 year old boy, a refugee from 'Bright' (see 41). Dressed in military styled clothing, he speaks no known language, and if discovered will try to communicate with the players. If treated well, he will follow the party, hoping to return to the world he knows.

If he cannot return, he will attach himself to one of the players as a follower, serving loyally and bravely.

The containers in this area serve as supplies for the Nyctites that cannot be made on site. There are 3d12 containers, ranging from the bulky to the ridiculously heavy, each worth 1d20 x 10 gp. The materials vary quite a bit, from raw lumber and leather to brushes and other art supplies.

 44. Empty. The door to 57 is not locked, but the door (which opens into room 44) does not want to open and will offer distinct resistance.

 45. The decor is alien in design and angle, but lush and expensive; the room shows signs of long neglect. It is dominated by two metal-cored extremely lifelike statues of monsters, a heating device that is currently off but can be puzzled out, and a large out of tune Clavicytherium. In the shadowy corners are crumpled papers with Nyctite writings and other trash piled high.

 46. As 44, the door to the center in 57 does not want to open.

47. A psychic Aether Slime that feeds on distinguishing features coats the walls and floor, having consumed the room's contents. Only a few pieces of forgettable furniture and 1d3 featureless creatures remain. A Spider-Hen (7, 36) has partially unravelled itself in one corner to keep the slime at bay, but is running out if body.

48. This room is brightly lit and constantly guarded in shifts by Nyctites in uniform. They are there to guard and keep an eye on Jin (36) as much as the heavily locked crate occupying much of the room. In the crate is an Arachnorooster, fed through slots. The guards don't trust anyone not in a Nyctite uniform, and the crate prevents either door from opening completely.

 49. In this small room are stored spools of Spider-hen thread, which are later woven into brushes by the Nyctites. There are 3d6 spools of thread here, each worth 200 gp to artisans who create artist brushes. Those who create magical works involving painting or illustration to create also greatly desire such tools, which seem to intuit an artist's intent during painting.

50. This is the studio of Pickman, a ghoul. (AC 6 HP 24 HD 4). Dressed in a painter's smock, he willingly puts down his brush and palette, and speaks with the PCs, if addressed in a civil manner.

Though not a Nyctite, Pickman tolerates the sect because the superior brushes, paints and facilities they offer him. While still a ghoul, he is able to control his appetites (for the most part). The charnel scent of the ghoul is somewhat masked by the fumes of the pigments present in the room, which has a number of half-completed canvases, as well as easel, trowels, etc. If queried, he attempts to offer answers to the PC's questions he believes they can comprehend.

Some possible questions and answers are detailed below, which are offered as examples to aid in improvising your own responses.

Who are the Nyctites?

An artist's commune.

Why are they so icky?

They have gone mad, after visiting Room 52.

What's in room 52?

A god. Holy and terrible.

Which god?

I cannot say for certain, as I would burn if I entered. Long ago I decided that my talent, though mediocre, would be sufficient; I did not seek to augment it by exposure to the holy ones. The Nyctites sought otherwise; now you may judge their works.

Are your paintings natural, or are they cursed?

Worse than either of those. For the most part, they are simply bad.

In fact, most of his paintings are beautiful, disquieting, and even haunting. Most of them are nightscapes and portraits of people he has eaten.

Generally speaking, most of the information he imparts to the PCs is probably false.

51. Deep archives of Easewild Gaunt (ROOM 34) and servant. Dusty furniture of maroon wood and yellow bone, with Nyctite scores on thick aging parchement that feels like skin (see ROOM 34 for effects). Scattered about the room are skeletons in the party's clothing. Towards the middle are copies of the party's clothing, torn, ripped, stripped in a hurry. In the center are clones of the party, naked, wide-eyed, afraid.

"noticed my body becoming"
"stuck in time loops"
"touched by unseen"
"sensitive to touch"
"felt a presence"

52. Only Nyctites or creatures related to The Corpulence may enter this room without suffering the below effects.
For all others, they will wake up 1d6 turns later in a room determined by rolling 2d20. They will only remember a void that spoke of the meaninglessness of all things, the heartlessness of Gods, a blue flame that burned away all that they were, an endless ocean rippling with mad knowledge.
Roll 3d6 on the following chart to determine physical state of anyone who has entered this chamber and awoken in another.
3 - dead, 30% chance their ghost haunts one of their items
4 - flesh is a quivering mass of jelly that screams horribly and discorporates in 1d4 rounds unless Remove Curse or Dispel Magic are immediately cast on it
5 - an animate skeleton of the opposite alignment they were in life
6 - an animate skeleton that will serve the will of the first person to speak to it
7 - a Zombie with the intelligence and motivations of the original character but a thirst for living flesh of the same race
8 - a Nyctite of the same general appearance but no new knowledge
9-11 - healed 1d4 HP or harmed 1d4 HP if at full health when entered 52/57
12 - mutated http://www.random-generator.com/index.php?title=Mutation
13 - a Nyctite that can access memories as if raised a Nyctite by rolling under WIS -3 each attempt
14 - knows the quickest way to that which was most desired when entered 52/57
15 - can now speak to and understand a randomly determined insect or monster
16 - clockwork version of self
17 - roll on Resurrection Table (1-2 Priest 3-4 Magic User)
18 - Add one to Ability of Player's choice; wears off in 1d4 weeks

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Charlotte Stokely Is Creepy Good At D&D

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I was up all night roasting marshmallows poolside at the Roosevelt Hotel, my elf, thanks to Jeff's stupid table, was even more hungover than I was, I'd already died once, and our cleric was AWOL.

This is no condition to be tackling infamous meatgrinder dungeon Rappan Athuk in.

Luckily...
"Are those things for Dungeons & Dragons?" "Yeah"
"Do you play?""No, my dad had a bunch of that stuff in the attic and I always wanted to try but I never did"
"Well I wanna play with you guys""Ok, come play on Thursday!"
"I wanna be her, can I be her?""Yes"
"Ok, so, can I throw my grappling hook and draaaaaag the zombie all the way through the caltrops once they're on fire""Yes. Roll that die""....20""Half an hour ago you didn't know what caltrops were."

"So can we like pull the door off the hinges and use it like a bridge to walk across the black oil?""Stokes you're really good at this."

"So, Zak, as Gorgut comes around the corner, he...""Whenever the GM raises his voice and gets all monologuey you know it's about to be some fucked up thing....""CONNIE, ARE YOU ROLLING TONIGHT? WE NEED HELP""Hold on, mom, I gotta go, my friends are about to be killed by zombies"

"Ok, so who do you want me to kill?"

"So there's a demon and it's breaking out of the fountain...""I cast Web!""Also that thing with the statue is clearly important I use Unseen Servant to grab it"
"Web? Fuck..."

Loser.
"I throw holy water""I hit his tentacle""I cast mending on the fountain as the demon's breaking out of it""Fuck, this encounter was supposed to be hard""I dip my sword in holy water and chop his tentacles off"

And, just like that...
"When are we playing again?""Thursday""We have to play in the pool""Yes we do"

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Diet Night's Black Agents

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Every role-playing game is different and requires sort of adapting to its own peculiar mindset in order to run it properly or really fully explore the distinct imaginative space it opens up.

But, really, who the fuck has time for that? It's all one fucking game and if it doesn't run like D&D then why in god's name would you even play it?

I really like the way Night's Black Agents' skill system forces you to think about and talk about spy stuff--it reinforces the themes of the game as the creepy pseuds say--and I like that character generation spits out a PC as detailed as a Call of Cthulhu one but way faster (at least after a little digging). 

However, when you find yourself trying to figure out if getting a cab is Urban Survival, Streetwise, or random luck, you've got yourself a non-intuitive skill system. And when you've got yourself a non-intuitive skill system you might have to read the rules. And under no circumstances should you ever have to do that.

So, to that end I've cleaned up Night's Black Agents so it runs more intuitively. Or at least more intuitively for everybody I know.

Other than rolling standard d6-for-each-side initiative, not using any of the special rules/cherries, and just doing rulings-not-rules for combat stuff, here's the bulk of it:
Mashing together Vampirology and Occult is specific to my game--it's light on vampires so far.

Streetwise and Urban Survival are one thing. Like: Streetwise is talking to junkies and urban survival is talking to the homeless and well what if you are talking to a homeless junkie? And which skill do you need to tell the difference? Fuck it: one skill. Anything too technical or Straight World to be "Streetwise" is covered by Criminology anyway.

Infiltration and Weapons have just been clarified on the character sheet so I can hand it to total newbs and they can get what those words mean in the context of NBA.

A quick flashback to smuggling marshmallows and a pack of roasting skewers past the Hollywood Blvd bouncers last thursday reminds me that you'll be piss poor at Filch if you can't Conceal and vice versa. They are two distinct skills but they're likely possessed by the same people and there are too many edge cases for me to bother with.

Notice is telling if there's a guy or a gun, Surveillance is telling if there's a guy following you or if a guy has a gun when you looked at him, Sense Trouble is telling if there's a guy following you and he has a gun. We call all that "perception" in D&D and it's one roll. They're likely three things because the game wants you to say "surveillance" a lot (of which I approve) and because Sherlock Holmes has Notice but isn't sitting in a white van all day ordering cheeseburgers and trying to stay awake and because of some errant vestigial GUMSHOEish idea in the game's DNA about characters spotting clues having to be some kind of different kind of skill where things aren't left to chance but whatever. I'm no spy but if you can't Notice shit I bet you kinda suck at Surveillance

Electronic surveillance, being by definition a technical thing requiring familiarity with specific devices with brand names, can stay its own skill.

NBA fans will notice I took a huge wrecking ball to the social skills--Flirting, Flattery, Interrogation, Negotiation, and Intimidation are, yes, all different things but frankly trying to parse apart which thing someone is doing in the middle of a functional moment of role-playing without having to constantly have either the GM or player or both constantly referring back to the skill list is a pain (interrogation, for instance, includes "Put someone on the defensive during an ordinary conversation"). So I basically grouped it into Flirting/Flattery/Charm ("carrot" social skills) and Intimidate ("stick" social skills). As for interrogate: I've never noticed gamers particularly needing much character sheet help thinking up functional interrogation methods....
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Goblins Are Bad And Mostly Hate You

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There are lots of different kinds.

A man or woman incarnates a passion, a dwarf is a drive, an elf incarnates a taste, a halfling is a good idea, a goblin is a bad one.

At the center of every goblin is a single bad idea: fear, treachery, folly, murder in the rushes, bad manners or something else.

(That's why even the compassionate, helpful ones are always stupid or insane.)

Sometimes a bad idea is the only idea:

Why not catch a pig and fill it with gas so you can float?
"This is a bad idea," a halfling would say.

"Do you have a better idea?" a goblin would say.

...and the halfling goes back to devising newer and more buttery cakes and the goblin sails over the mountain.

Goblins are distinguished from other Vast Hosts by their relationship to animals. Just as a humans see great conflicts in geographical terms (and so believe they are winning) goblins see conflict in zoological ones (and so believe they are winning).

Humans (with elves) rule horses, and also have dominion over cows, large dogs and some kinds of hunting and game birds.

Goblins are masters of carrion crawlers, rust monsters, small dogs, fat maggots, alligators, salamanders, many others. The word "monster" is just goblin for "animal".

The distinction between these categories is merely linguistic: the elves of the north would say goblins claim dominion over the oldest and newest animals whereas humans--being possessed of less initiative and more perseverance--make do with the more reliable "animals of the middle hours".

Control over the ponderous, slick-skinned animals created in the early middle hour--toads, elephants, tortoises, rhinoceroses and, of course, hogs--is much disputed.

(Halflings mostly make do with animals already domesticated by humans (good idea!) though they have an affinity for animals that are "varmint but not vermin" such as mice, otters, badgers and other small mammals unsuited to productive industry. It is alleged that they have made a mutual secret pact with these creatures to avoid work (good idea!) but this has not been confirmed.

Elves refer to the creatures over which humankind and goblinkind contest (along with cows and the human dog breeds) as "netvorczek" or "lowing earth monsters" and the halfling's pets as "erzebet" or "brave but not noble" animals and distinguish them from "irze"--the foxes, peacocks, and other glamourous (in the literal sense) creatures more closely related to elves and fey.

Most animals, for some reason, seem to regard dwarves as merely another animal and nearly vice versa. A typical conversation might be:
"Hail goat"
"Hello dwarf". )

Anyway, goblins:

Goblins, like bad ideas, exist in every known environment--sand goblins and dune goblins are known as are ice goblins, frost goblins, and salt goblins.

They speak backwards in conversation with elves, humans, and all their kin to baffle them. Goblin scholar Barthing Deride claims High goblish is essentially just a complex and near-random system of triple and quadruple negatives purposefully designed by the teratocracy to frustrate diplomacy.

See for example this missive intercepted by Tom Middenmurk from a Gaxen Kane ambassador to the court of Nephildia:

The Half King's Cavaliers did not ride into the jaws of death to save the lives of our kinsmen. The Battle of Harrowdank Pass was not terrible beyond imagining nor shall the frozen gore of that place endure where the snowmelt never comes. Nor indeed do we build a  monument of Tiamat's thralls contorted in their death-spasms to remember the numberless slain.

The largest known goblin city is Gaxen Kane, which is disturbingly close to Vornheim (bad idea) and the River of Unfathomable Despair. To the south, it borders and extends intermittently into the radioactive Cobalt Reach, over whose new animals Goblin Kings have eagerly sought mastery for dozens of generations (bad idea!).

The city itself is hieronymogenous, dense and highly monstral. The worship the Great Grub and consider the carrion crawler its avatar.

Goblins of Gaxen Kane are the kind most often encountered in cities or dungeons in the north. Their empire encompasses a wide variety of specialized troops and tactics, including:

Black goblins who wear the skins of slain men. It is supposed to be a disguise (like the much more effective Trilloch) but really just looks fucked up.
Cobbleds are named after the frequently patchwork state of their armor--they represent the lowest rank in the goblin army.

Dyads are conjoined twin goblin warriors, sometimes strapped into the center of giant spikey gyroscope-like spheres and rolled toward foes.

A meazel is the result of a kind of disease transmitted by a certain kind of goblin, it turns one of your fingers into a demonic biting monster.

Nilbogs take damage only from healing spells. Healed by damage. Inserted into armies randomly to baffle foes.

Othuaggs are like those long-nosed Guinea Babboons but goblins take them and dye them and drug them and make their hair and spike them up like John Blanche's Brat Gang pics from the original Confrontation 40k game and send them to kill you.

Red goblins are painted with runes which release a 1st level spell as they die.

Terithrans are another goblin weapon of war: weak, cursed goblins shoved or thrown across battlefields by their fellows whose touch causes specific terrible effects (cause light wounds, etc.)

Trillloch are a goblin espionage tool. They take the form of a human woman who urges her husband to kill political rivals and their wives. The trilloch then eats the dead wife and changes to look like the dead wife, then urges the wife to kill various rivals, on and on forever etc.

The white goblins (who hate to go outside) walk on the ceiling. 


Xvarts are to goblins what dwarven trollslayers are to WFRP dwarves. Fanatical, dyed maniacs. They ride wild boars.


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There are two known types of uncivilized goblins: Witchwood Goblins and The Tribes.



Witchwood Goblins are creepy and awful and speak in unison whenever they can. They trick lone travelers, poison eggs and hide gold in snails' gullets. Their fey blood is strong and they scorn the military airs, armor and alchemies of their empire-building kin, relying on innate magic and kitchen knives. They have cousins in every nation and in the East witchwood goblins are called bakemono.

As PCs, they always have the abilities of both druids and thieves. Their taxonomy of abilities and behavior closely parallels that of the grey elves of Middenmurk and Misergeist, Sloomit, Worrigang, Habbingjock, Frauenbracken, Ylfenback Hollowman, Gluntie Queyne, Flibbertigibbet, Scalewart, Ouphe, Capriped and Nausit Uncanny goblins are all known.

Like druids and witches, they worship no god but are on speaking terms with words and things that humans might call gods.

The Tribes are essentially just independent and less-organized versions of the Gaxen Kane goblins. However, while Gaxen Kane enslaves both trolls and ogres and shuns orcs and ettins, the tribes are often allied with- or dominated by- these more physically impressive creatures.

For example the decadent Hundred Needles tribe lives in an abandoned silver mine and is ruled by an ettin named Thraste. 25% are berserk Xvarts with 2hd more than the rest and +2 damage and carry 2-handed axes. They use mushroom men as shock troops and are skilled with crossbows.

Other tribes have names like the Purple Claw, the Slit Ear, Spitting Whore, Vomiting Sun, etc.

They can be generated like any other humanoid tribe. Many worship Tiamat, Akayle Ozph or other gods of chaos.

No one knows what a hobgoblin is. Reports conflict.
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Demogorgon implies....

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I recommended a bottom-up method for making a sandbox, if only because letting the world-building get ahead of the game-running risks you do a lotta work for nothing if the campaign ends early or goes where you don't expect.

Like you decide there are 8 Gnome Lords in the Land Of Smacks and then pretty much the players catch the first boat to Pseudo Asia in session 2 and never look back then you're stuck with all these crappy gnomes you wrote up for no reason.

However, once you've got a lot of things established and you know your game's gonna keep chugging, some top down design has appeal.

So, theory:

Your game world's full of fantastical and powerful interested parties--civilizations, gods, political entities, etc, like The City State of The Invincible Overlord, Elves, Odin, Sheelba of the Eyeless Face, The Wizard Kings of Ilthron, Princess Peach, etc

Adventures are most likely to occur when two or more of these interests collide.
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So first you can figure out the major forces and what their obvious epiphenomena are, like...

Tiamat Implies...

1. A Pseudo-Sumeria: shadow monsters. Sand. Ziggurats. Necronimica.


2. And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads. Apocalypse.

3. Eggs.

4. A mate...

5. At least 5 children.

6. A cult devoted to her.

7. The green head--a toxified landscape.

8. The blue head--magnetic anomalies.

9. A creation myth.

10. A nemesis.

11. Lizard men. A lizard clergy. Enmity between reptiles and mammals.

12. Unparalleled disasters.

13. Chaos paladins.



14. Tiamat-centric art. Opera?

15. Voltron analogies....are the antipaladins riding lions?

16. 5 Rings: Frost, Flame, Lighting, Acid, Poison
17. Hydra analogies?

18. Ancient texts, encoded in reptilian bodies.

19. Color symbolism.

20. Cathedrals of Tiamat. Red Temple Prayers. Black Churches.
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Dwarves Imply...

1. Mountains with old mines.

2. Dwarven craft: Ancient quasi-magical secrets.

3. Greed and the frustration of greed. Social parasitism. Rent-seeking.

4. Wild heroism. The city of Lanthanum Chromate. Goats.

5. Metals. Metallurgy. Manuals of metallurgy. Folk knowledge. Metals with unusual properties. Knowledge of magnetism, possibly radiation. Magic sealed into objects by clever joinery. Perhaps dwarves are necessary in the creation of magic items.

6. (2 above + 3 above + 5 above)= Jealous guardianship of metallurgical secrets.

7. Dwarfland: Fairy tale-isms.

8. Vikinginess: Thorisms.

9. A cultural rift: fae-blooded and eager dwarves of the south (British dwarves) and distantly hammering dwarves of the north (Nordic dwarves).

10. Dwarven animals: stubwolves and riding goats and stoats.

11. Fortresses built by dwarves, barely decayed after centuries--older than those of any other race.

12. Stonecunning and geomancy. Knowledge of the gorgolith produced by the basilisk and the medusa. Knowledge of crystals.

13. Trade. Trade routes.

14. Dwarven pirates (In my game, for example: Albrecht of the High Seas, for one, the seven dwarves of Bluebeard--some of whom are dead)

15. Snow White. Therefore: a witch (which witch? Thorn? Frost? Dread?) a hunter (a ranger?), sleep apples. Rose Red.

16. It's mostly just fighters, craftsmen and fighter/craftsmen. Dwarf wizards: shifty untrustworthy fucks. Dwarf druids: hermits. Dwarf rangers: wild men. Dwarf thieves are those funny guys in the corner of the bar. Dwarf paladins and Dwarf clerics have scary berserker gods.

17. Dueregar/Dvargir/Dire Dwarves. The most secretive and antisocial of races. Cursed and sullen, they lack the pride of drow and the ravenous drive of cannibal halflings. Maybe they worship the toad gods. Maybe they are needed to make evil magic items.

18. Dwarf cities in mountainsides that last forever because dwarves built them. Urban planning as geology, tectonics. Consultation with things beneath.

19. Classic dwarven ecology requires constant contact with the surface. You can't mine all day and never come up--the familiar dwarven disposition is not that of someone who lives under the earth. That's Dvargir. Dwarves drink and drinking requires agriculture or at least trade. Probably more often trade--leave the grain-growing to halflings.

20. Hatred of constructs for John Henry-like reasons. Hatred of trolls because Warhammer says so and because they infest bridges. Lore about destroying trolls.

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Demogorgon Implies...

1. Two heads: Schisms. Is Demogorgon a god of schisms and division?

2. A demonic hierarchy. Crow demons. Stag demons. Succubi. Beastmen.

3. Witches.


Witches imply:
(Thorn) Evil fairy folk, eslaved dryads, gnolls, wolves
(Frost) Snow leopard men, white wolves, owls
(Dread) Crows, Scarecrows, undead

4. Dicit deum Demogorgona summum

5. A cult of Demogorgon. A temple of Demogorgon. Clerics of Demogorgon.

6. Primal rites. Wildness.

7. A demonic court: intrigues, deceptions.

8. Madness. Causers of madness.

9. Cathedrals of Demogorgon.

10. Maggot rites.

11. Ettin: blessed of Demogorgon.

12. Zoological confusion, hybridization, miscegenation.

13. Disturbing weddings.

14. Artifacts or Relics of Demogorgon.

15. Sacrifices. Obscure rules for sacrifices.

16. Demonic possession. Demons in human shape.

17. Temptations and consequences for temptations.

18. Active attempts to undermine other faiths, their clerics and paladins.

19. A gullet (gorge) of demons. A hellmouth. Vomiters.

20. Souls. Soul collection. Bargaining for souls. An afterlife.

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-Etc.

So you pick the intersection of two things-- roll 13 under Dwarves and get dwarven trade routes, and 14 under Demogorgon and you get artifacts or relics of Demogorgon.

So there's something found down in a mountain somewhere that has been passing from here to there in dwarven hands rumored to be a relic of Demogorgon. I want more, so...d20 on dwarves...so 14 Dwarven pirates have it now and....d20 on Demogorgon and...11--it's something that'll turn you into an ettin.

Or...

Tiamat 4, Dwarves 20... So there is a child of Tiamat somewhere and the dwarves investigate on account of trolls and...7 Tiamat, 11 Dwarves...so there's a chlorinated miasma over an old dwarven fortress, a half-submerged trollish spa with the green dragon's lurking like a sea serpent in the deep end.
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Foreclusions

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Temporal distortions in Voivodja very occasionally result in situations where outcomes precede the actions that caused them by several days. For example, a Dragoon Lieutenant may find herself in command of mercenaries that have not yet been hired, or a man may be sick on account of a custard he has not yet eaten. These premature events are known as foreclusions and can be immediately identified as such because they are accompanied by a quick moist crackling sound, as of batter frying.
Once a foreclusion occurs the foreclusion itself cannot usually be undone, but the presumed cause of the foreclusion (which will not yet have happened) can be prevented by making it impossible for the original presumed cause to occur and organizing a new causal event which would result in the same foreclusion--or at least one matching every observed property of the foreclusion.
  For instance, in the second example above, the gentleman's actual custard could be stolen before he ate it and he could be cursed so that whatever came out of his mouth turned into semidigested custard when exposed to air. If one discovered a foreclusion featuring a child crying over her dead mother, one could prevent the death by ensuring the mother's safety and then simply telling the child her mother died.  If the foreclusion featured the child explaining she'd seen her mother drown, then one could still stymie fate by protecting the mother and then dressing some otherwise unuseful woman convincingly in the mother's clothes and a wig and drowning her after inviting the child to watch.

From the upcoming A Red And Pleasant Land
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I was the page from yesterday's calendar crumpled at the bottom of the waste basket

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We killed a naga with burlap sacks in Rappan Athuk yesterday, and one in Qelong, with fire, the day before.

The story keeps going for those characters, but I could happily stop there.


Thanks Wikipedia Entry On Raymond Chandler:

In his introduction to Trouble Is My Business (1950), a collection of twelve of his short stories, Chandler provided insight on the formula for the detective story and how the pulp magazines differed from previous detective stories:
The emotional basis of the standard detective story was and had always been that murder will out and justice will be done. Its technical basis was the relative insignificance of everything except the final denouement. What led up to that was more or less passage work. The denouement would justify everything. The technical basis of the Black Mask (a pulp Chandler worked for) type of story on the other hand was that the scene outranked the plot, in the sense that a good plot was one which made good scenes. The ideal mystery was one you would read if the end was missing. We who tried to write it had the same point of view as the film makers. When I first went to Hollywood a very intelligent producer told me that you couldn't make a successful motion picture from a mystery story, because the whole point was a disclosure that took a few seconds of screen time while the audience was reaching for its hat. He was wrong, but only because he was thinking of the wrong kind of mystery.


This was what I took a lot longer to say a long time ago here when I was talking about how "story" in a classic RPG was episodic (but still a story) and "story" in allegedly story-centric games was classic drama.

The "standard detective story" Chandler talks about is built on the classic drama--the end gives meaning to what came before: intellectually--the (single) puzzle is at last solved--and morally--the characters final actions tell you what the whole thing meant.

In a Chandler story, whatever meaning there is, it's right there in the words on every page.
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The Masticators

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The Masticators are pair of carnivorous quadrupedal demons from the 453rd layer of the Abyss.

They have three attacks per round, immunity from ordinary weapons, reflect magic 70% of the time and are appalling in a variety of other ways none have lived to record.

Luckily, they are currently entrapped within a pair of panther statues on the south end of a black jade bridge in the Arcology of Cyanotica Bast and there's no reason they'd ever get free unless another demon offered an elf some wine and the guy elf went "Do you have anything stronger?" and the demon reached into his own mouth and pulled out a steaming goat skull filled with some pustulent liquid and the elf went and drank it, causing his arms and legs to fall off and the party tied him up and took him outside by the bridge and decided to pour mutagen in the elf's mouth and the elf rolled on a d1000 table for 6 mutations and in the course of becoming a regenerating, magic-immune, crested, golem-demon-lord with a fear of shoes also acquired a (d1000...) hatred of (d4 roll...see: Animals table, d100 roll...) panthers and immediately went and attacked the otherwise harmless but unnerving pair of statues and freed them.

But, seriously, what are the chances of that?
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