Quantcast
Channel: Playing D&D With Porn Stars
Viewing all 1084 articles
Browse latest View live

Gem Prison of Zardax Review

$
0
0

Ok: Gem Prison of Zardax
$7.77 in pdf from Unofficial Games available here
Written with stats for old school D&D-compatible games and also for Zzarchov's own game Neoclassical Geek Revival

On the one hand: Zzarchov is a pal. On the other hand, ever since I noticed that his game Neoclassical Geek Revival gives your character extra wotzits for having a beard I've known we have different sensibilities and I don't just mindlessly recommend everything he sends me because a lotta times I haven't even managed to read it. I'm pretty busy over here.

However: 
Gem Prison + Puzzle Dungeon + Scrap Princess on the art is a pretty irresistible combination for me so I devoured this.

The Harry Clarke cover is pretty cool too and about as nice as a public domain cover is likely to get, though I do kinda wish Scrap had done the cover too because, hey, Scrap Princess. But then in pdf products the "cover" is an increasingly notional concept and merges pretty cleanly into "ad" so it's all in some kind of liminal product designspace I've already wasted too much time talking about fuck it let's roll.

Anyway, up front: I will run this adventure. So that's like like 4 stars already. I will change it, but I will run it.

It's like this:

Your players appear in the extradimensional gem-prison. Each room is like its own spooky room connected to the others by non-euclidean means.

Each room gets a page to itself which has a fine map with plenty of room for you to add stuff, cleanly laid out text, typically one or two simple but surreal gimmicks (zero gravity, utter silence, etc) whose implications for "solving" the rest of the dungeon are well-considered, and an expressionistic color drawing by Scrap Princess. A little less than the 48 pages is these rooms.


There's several off-kilter spells, items and monsters ("the wasp appears as a tyrannosaurus sized wasp made out of polished silver") scattered within and detailed as well as a few meta-rules which make travel through the prison overall kind of strange.

Zzarchov's sensibility runs somewhere between a sly Ashton-Smith fairytale light touch and jaded post-Dragonmirth gonzo ("Each room is a different colour. The wizard thought it looked “spooky” and “cosmic”, though it just seems tacky now."), but with  a half-second of reskinning and the adventure fits pretty much any kind of campaign from grim-and-gritty to Princess Bride. Change the paint and put new heads on the monsters and this could easily be the Thieves Guild in Lankhmar or that creepy wizard place Daenarys goes in Game of Thrones where the guy with the blue lips who steals her dragons hangs out. I can see it being a temple in Yoon-Suin, for example, just replacing the cat-elves with crabmen.

Like Forgive Us and Carcosa, the nice thing about Zardax is its efficiency: it is about a certain kind of paranoid/surreal dungeoncrawl (like the high levels of Zelda where you start going "Ok, the music's changed, what's the deal in this place?") and presents that up front, without burying it in paragraphs of crust, and presents it all with enough whitespace around it to make it your own. You could do much worse for $7.77 bucks. I'm thinking it's 3-6 sessions of adventure in there.

Some nitpicks:

-Since the movement rules of the place are unique, there are a few spots of magi-physics fine print where it's hard to tell just what Zzarchov is on about, though after a bit you can glean from context.

-The overall place is less puzzley than tricky meaning...SPOILERS (highlight to read) t's possible to escape via trial and error or luck and there aren't that many things that need to be figured out. It can be but does not have to be an intellectual player-skill challenge.
...which is cool (Red & Pleasant Land is often more tricky than puzzley) but it does seem like a dimension that could easily have been worked into the adventure-as-advertised and which is surprisingly hard to come by in published stuff.

This last nitpick is easily fixed, however, and here's one way to do it (SPOILERS):

-Change it so the Exit (Room 20) is not the exit. That room is just some guys guarding cool treasure or something.

-The real way out is to go to Room 8 (The Lock) and open doors so that the overall floorplan of Room 8 plus the 8 rooms you attach to it forms a specific shape --and that ideal shape is clued in things found in the dungeon. You could even reshape the rooms so that, if properly attached, they form an 8-pointed star or something. Or, if you want to get real ambitious, have doors in the floor and ceiling so that you have to make a 3d shape.

Once the dungeon is twisted into that shape, the prison ceases to exist and the PCs are free

Another way to do it is:

-Put Scary Immortal Monster A in one room and Scary Immortal AntiMonster B in another. Only by rearranging the rooms so they meet and annihilate each other can you escape.

I don't think of this as evidence Zzarchov's done something wrong: The upshot for me is, after trying to think of different ways to make dungeons with interesting metapuzzles for year, the Gem Prison of Zardax created a set of tools that made it really easy to think up fun variants.

So, yeah, recommended.

In other news:

Important:

There was a fuck-up with the Ennie voting and some votes were lost, so if you voted please go back to the link and make sure your votes for Red & Pleasant Land were recorded.

Thanks!


Alleged Bibliography

$
0
0
Extant:

1. Vornheim

2. Red & Pleasant Land (Voivodja)

Foetal:

3. Amazons of the Devoured Land (north of Vornheim)

Embryonic:

4. The Medusa Maze (200-room dungeon with False Patrick. Needs a graphic designer.)

Theoretical:

5. The Place of Scorpions (Southern Continent: the red pharaoh, the ruined city of Nizadd, Tower of the Hourglass, rules for language acquisition, heatstroke, sandy box kit, etc)

6. The Sea of Ignorance And Pain (Wavecrawl Kit, the Pirate Queens, horrible sea elves, ship-to-ship combat, a not-boring underwater city/dungeon, Nephilidia and the amphibious vampires etc)

7. Realm of the Negatsar (Clockwork baba-yagas, warriors in the wastes, the abandoned summer palace, faceless orc witches, the Puzzle Palace of Tetrus Imperious)

8. Gaxen Kane and Cobalt Reach  (varieties of goblin, the goblin city, goblin inventions, insane goblin architecture, beasts that serve goblins, goblin laws, goblin gods, goblin terrible ideas, rules for radioactivity and slow mutation, Ferox the God-Dragon, the Congress of Freaks, warlords including Nepthyc Vo and the Limbless Harlot, inventions from the Distant War)

9. Drownesia (rules for training dinosaurs, the etiquette of the Gilded Princes, the Viscid King, etc)

10. Serving Time In The Middle of Nowhere (Guide to other planes of existence, Vornheim-Kit style, lots of magic items and weird gods, rules for moving in insane places)

11.  Man is Too Ignorant To Exist (The Distaff Powers--modeled after the original GW Realms of Chaos books) (Possibly part of 10)

12. My Name Is God, I Hate You (a campaign--with linking events and background--about the wedding of Tiamat & Demogorgon, each chapter is named after a Black Sabbath song, in chronological order)

13. Blue Rose 3rd Edition (the most popular and egalitarian edition, but it upset hardcore fans, art by Trungles)

14. 100 Dungeon Rooms (a deck of cards, each has a sketch, you can lay them flat and make a map)

15. You Hear A Noise (50 Encounters, one page each)

16. Why Did We Even Come Her? (50 picture-maps of small dungeons/locations, one page each)

17. A GM's Almanac (Custom campaign notebook, with astrological info for each day, daily background events, weather, short monster and NPCs idea and GM-screen-like tools on each page)

18. The Thousand Dead (The elusive game-tome-as-in-world-player-handout complete adventure in a book)


That's about 30 years of work at the current rate of publishing, so we should be good for a while.
-
-
-
And now, a word from our sponsor….

Important:

There was a fuck-up with the Ennie voting and some votes were lost, so if you voted please go back to the link and make sure your votes for Red & Pleasant Land were recorded.

Thanks!

QUIET YOU GUYS THIS PART IS IMPORTANT

$
0
0
Before we get on with entry in this blog:

Apparently there was a glitch over at the Ennies and some votes were lost.

Best Adventure
Best Setting
Best Writing
and
Product of the Year
...were counted. If you haven't got it, here's another great review. There are no bad reviews. 
Except "on". You're missing that, at least.
Ok, anyway.

Begin transcript:

"What are you?"

"Halfling."

"Halfling."

"Fuck?"

"Everyone's a halfling."

"What if there's a fight?"

"Alphonso said he might play a elf."

"Offffff course. If he shows up."

"Alphonso, man."

"I'm a wizard."

"Halfling wizard?"

"Ok, so there's some boxed text I'm gonna read it..."

"Seriously I will kill you and all your friends."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Relax! Ok, read the boxed text."

"You feel it in the air...imagine an elfy face saying this... Fuck it's long: ok there's some rings."

"Got it."

"Human wizard?"

"Race-as-class wizard I think. Is that a thing, race-as-class wizard?"

"So the evil lord made a ring to control all the other rings.. Elves and people versus dark lord. Then all the elves and guys are like smacked up by Sauron the dark Lord who's taller than everybody with a mace and his face looks like a horse and then a guy kills Sauron then gets the ring and then the elf boss was like Destroy it you Man! but the guy was all No and it fell into some water. The ring. Then this like muck guy Gollum got it."

"Ok, so then are we..."

"Hold on. So for 500 year sit poisoned his mind and then your uncle got it with riddles."

"With riddles?"

"Not important. Ok, anyway so your uncle has this ring."

"Ok. So he's king now?"

"No he just...he like smokes and stuff in his circle house. I'm not really sure what he does. He may be unemployed--anyway you live...near him and you're reading a book and then Gandalf the Wizard shows up."

"That's me. I'm level 15. Or 10....Or is it 5?"

"Interpretations vary. Anyway you two hug because it's time for Frodo's uncle's birthday."

"Does anyone but me want thai food?"

"Ok. I hug him."

"I hear it's going to be a party of special magnificence!"

"Oh, you know Bilbo!"

"So you go and there's some grass and roll some reaction rolls...the kids like you..."

"I want Thai food. You guys?"

"You do that, I'mma roll up on the uncle."

"Yes...he like wants to give you tea. He has this circley house but he wants to leave "Ohhhh I am ollld Gandalf, I feel thin, stretched like....butter stretched over too much bread"."

"Ok, I'l like hang out and try to ply him for more information and blow smoke rings."

"Ok, roll charisma."

"Ok, I suck."

"Ok, roll d10."

"10!"

"Well the smoke rings are nice. 10 on a scale of 1 to 10."

"Oh hey guys!"

"Sam!"

"Sam, what's your guy's name gonna be?"

"Ummmm...'Sam'?"

"Seriously?"

"What?"

"Fine, Sam's guy is named Sam the Halfling."

"Oh hey guys!"

"Hey, we were just having an uncle party."

"What're your guyses names? And perception scores."

"My guy's name is Merryaddock Bandybuck."

"And I am Peregrine Took!"

"I want to note for the record I am rolling my eyes."

"Oh and it's plus one."

"Minus four for me."

"'Ok, listen up Brandybucks and Tooks and what all I'm a hundreddy eleventh and I'm a halfling and I'm old and ...' and he disappears."

"Whoa."

"Who was he?"

"Frodo's uncle. Now, Gandalf roll under Int at advantage."

"Did it."

"Ok, this is definitely heavy: Halflings don't just disappear. And he's got this ring."

"Alright I'm going up to his house."

"Food's here."

"You guys pay the dude we'll do this bit...So he's in the house being like 'Hee hee that was fun' and fondling this ring."

"Bilbo I'm concerned..."

"Alright..Wisdom check..."

"Yeah."

"Yeah he's hiding something,"

"Put the ring down, man."

"He does. (bluff check) Well he doesn't."

"Intimidate roll. 'BILLLLLL--BO BAGGINS! DO NOT TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJUROR OF BONERS!'"

"What?"

"Hee. I mean 'Cheap tricks'"

"What's 20% of 28.50?"

"Alright, he takes off and he's like ok and leaves the ring."

"I try to grab the ring."

"There's this bolt of energy and this echo, knowledge check...half success...it...might be a real important ring."

"I love pad see ew. I want a house made of pad see ew and beans. Ok, done, I roll in."

"You see Gandalf there smoking looking at the magic ring. All like perspective shot from below and then he looks at the fire and is like "Riddles in the darrrrrk...""

"Alright, I'm gonna do some research. 'There are some...things I must....see to.'"

"Whatevs I'm not done with this food anyway."

"Music music! Cutscene! You go here."

"Nice model."

"Thanks! Hirst art blocks and Legos painted grey."

"Dope."

"That's a lot of Deep Space Nine".

"Yeah and it's all on Netflix now so fuck me. Anyway so like you read some stuff and he's like 'It's the heirloom of the kingdom and it has a thing where you heat it up and then it's like A secret now only fire can tell'"

"Spooky."

"Thanks, I try. Ok so you come back, like...a week later."

"Frodo, what are you doing a week later?"

"Stone chillin'."

"I'm gonna hide 'til he comes back, then jump out. (Frodo went to the bathroom)"

"Is it safe? Is it secret?"

"Aaaah. Dude?"

"The ring."

"Right."

"I chuck it in the fire."

"WTF that's my only magic item."

"No, hold your hand out, it's cool."

"He says it's cool."

"Quite cool."

"Nothing. Oh wait no...."

"I give him the exposition."

"Can we kill shit yet? Hey do you think I can pull this off?"

"Do you speak Mordor? What's your Int?"

"Like 15 and no. In the other order."

"You must be able to otherwise you'd never be able to take a shower."

"Ha ha smartass. No I mean does it look good?"

"No."

"Ok, so Gandalf knows it's the One Ring of Sauron which is like an artifact. Like a Ring of Gaxx level artifact."

"Seriously and we're like level 1."

"Yeah."

"Ok well that's good. I mean, Sauron's dead, right, that was in the boxed text."

"Actually you also know Sauron is kinda still alive. His orcs have multiplied, his fortress is up and rolling."

"Where did you get these?"

"On-line. Just googled 'purple dice'."

"So he was dead before and now he's alive so he's like a ghost."

"...or a lich or a vampire or a wight or..."

"What's a white?"

"Ok."

"I put it..."

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"O...k...Can we just, like, put it away?"

"No."

"Can I give it to Gandalf?"

"Nope, nobody over 6th level can handle it."

"I thought he was 5th?"

"Long story. Race-as-class wizard you get like one spell per book."

"Thing is through me it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine."

"Mm."

"I tell him he has to go deliver this ring."

"Wait, what?"

"Ok, 'S. pad kee mau'--I think this one's mine? Good, ok....I'm going to...do more research with my wizard teacher. Meet me at the Inn of the...Prancing Pony. And I eat some shrimp."

"'Prancing Pony'?"

"Rolled it up last game."

"You have a wizard teacher?"

"Yeah how else would I learn?"

"Ok, fine, you are going to see your wizard teacher. Lemme figure him out..."

roll roll (eyebrow)

"His name is Saur...I mean Saruman."

"You suck at names."

"I'm done with my curry you want curry?"

"Roll Stealth."

"Mmmmm...noooo I do not Stealth."

"You see Sam fucking around in the hedges."

"I grab Sam and give him some static for creeping in hedges."

"'Oh no don't turn me into anything...unnatural!' What did I miss?"

"Dark lord, quest, I carry an artifact with terrible powers."

"Dope. 'Bout it."

"How much do you want to bet Alphonso will be like 'I'll take that ring'?"

"You travel and travel. Travelling occurs for a few hours...hold on, I lost my place."

"You think? Now Travis..."

"Oh my god, Travis will just be like 'If you would but lend me the ring...'"

"Ok "Oh Frodo! If I take one more step I will be further from home than ever..."

"Seriously, Sam? It's been like not even a day."

"Alright, alright...."

"Wait, ok, found it--let's do this: So, your wizard teacher is in his tower which I will represent with this bottle of Absolut."

"Ok, I'm like what do we do, guy? There's a ring and this halfling has it and..."

"'Clearly your love of the halfling's leaf has slowed your brain.'"

"Sorry."

"Do we have hot sauce?"

"So he's like 'There's a Great Eye, Lidless, Wreathed In Flame.'"

"Whoa."

"In the door in the fridge. Also: do not touch that thing it's still wet."

"And the Nine are going to kill whoever has the ring."

"How do you know?"

"What is it? It looks like the Motorhead dog."

"It's for later don't touch it."

"How does he know?"

"He has an evil crystal ball."

"'Hey your crystal ball is evil!'"

"'Whatevs'. He says."

"Fuck him, I run and get Frodo."

"The doors just shut as you try to leave."

"Fuuuuck."

"Roll initiative."

"Fuck. He's like level what?"

"Do it."

"Wait, when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?"

"Oh hold on...."

"That was in-character."

"Oh, uhh...he just telekinesises you."

(others in unison) "Wi. Zard. Fight! Wi. Zard. Fight!"

"You Have Elected The Way Of Pain."

"Fuuuuck."

"I guess I'll be finishing these noodles while I wait to get rescued by a moth..."

"MEANWHILE, you all are in a...(roll)....cornfield hex."

"Ok, I'm done!"

"Me too!"

"Does corn exist?"

"Mmmmanybody want some carrots?"

"So you've got some carrots."

"And some cabbages."

"Yeah and..."

"What is this, Wampus Country?"

"And some mushrooms."

"Yes and...roll roll...a farmer starts chasing you with a scythe because you won't shut up."

"Who the hell wrote these tables?"
-
-
-


D20 Disgust+LAST DAY TO VOTE

$
0
0
Last day to vote for the Ennies. Go--and double-check that your votes we recorded. There were glitches.




Why Am I Tossing This Game Product Aside In Disgust? Roll D20

1. Stats for 9 NPCs, no reason given why they're interesting or I couldn'tna just made them up.

2. Kobolds.

3. 2 sentences in a row explaining what a barn is.

4. Boar's Hoof Tavern described like I was going maybe have lunch there rather than, say, have a made-up person go there in a game.

5. Paragraph with backstory stretching back 5 years explaining why there's...4 medusas in a room.

6. "Greater" version of monster given stats and shit like it's a new monster.

7. Villain's business model based on casting Cone of Cold over and over.

8. Sentence "The merchants do a bustling business in olive oil, kank nectar, and the decorated pottery produced by the city’s famous potters" considered worthy of inclusion.

9. Gully dwarves.

10. Random encounter table full of giant spiders, giant rats, and skeletons

11. "Including two Wands of...".

12. Boxed text.

13. Long paragraph detailing organization and ethos of fictional institution used to explain it is identical to organization and ethos of extant and common real-life institution.

14. Towns set up to handle dungeoneers as if they were 49ers.

15. NPCs that talk like 49ers.

16, Human-animal hybrid monster accompanied by that same animal it is hybrided with like as if they met because they were next to each other in the dictionary.

17. Expectation-undermining twist replaces a thing that's cliche-because-it's-exciting with less-exciting-but-hey-not-cliche thing.

18. Villains are just some guys in robes.

19. "Any character donning a gargoyle cloak is able to fly, attack, etc. as if a gargoyle, just as did the zombies."

20. Shaman with implied sandals.
-
-
-




Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, The Module

$
0
0


An adventure, or at least the beginning of one:

Sabbath Bloody Sabbath

It is a beautiful fall sunday, devoid of all malignancy and all threat, and the party are on their way to wherever it is people like them would like to go. The crisp leaves are a deep red, like a jungle of Japanese lanterns.

But there's a trail of fresh blood here...


A National Acrobat

They see a middle-aged man on the road and he is begging for help. He speaks with the accent of whichever party member is from furthest away.

He is injured grievously but not fatally, he is disfigured and pathetic. He has pathos. Have him evoke the names of his family members. You can use the name Tabitha if you like.

His tale is difficult to credit: he is pursued by larcenous black bats he is at a loss to properly describe. He stumbles, weeping, and claims to follow the profession of an acrobat (or something). He is called Plasniz Vorgir (or something) and is, in actuality, quite well-known.

If the PCs ignore the man, wait a few minutes, then attack them with mutant bats. If they help him, wait a few minutes, then attack them with mutant bats. If the PCs look for the bats, tell them they soon find bats. Point is: there's bats here, inevitably, it is a fact of life in this adventure. Terrible bats have arrived.

There are thousands but only like 20 will actually fight players. The rest continue to thickly sweep in a direction perpendicular to the players' path.

The bats will murder and then rob the weak and simply pickpocket the strong, a significant minority carry an array of small, valuable items: necklaces, bracelets, coins and loose carbuncles. They can detect magic and valuable items.

Feel free to substitute blackbirds, magpies, rats or undead vultures.



Fluff

Four facts might conceivably be gleaned in the aftermath of this senseless violence:

1. The bats come from a hill, two miles to the east

2. The bats are heading toward the population centers and will return east once they snatch sufficient loot (2 hours from now if things go as expected)

3. Plasniz has (or had) had a silver corkscrew in his boot

4. Plasniz will be tumbling in two months for an unknown client, a contract for which is in his pocket. He'll mention it if he survives long enough to.

Maybe the players don't give a fuck about any of this. Good, fine, this is not a problem. In fact, nearly everyone involved would prefer it if they stayed out of the way.


Sabbra Cadabra

The bats or whatever serve Cadabra, a fucking wizard. This bent buzzard-looking fuck, serves in turn, Sabbra, The Black Knight of Tiamat.
Sabbra. She reportedly has "mystifying eyes".
The Black Knight herself is almost indestructible and has the attributes of her name. Cadabra has the spells corresponding to his name.

She is accompanied by an honor guard of disgraced paladins deranged by mind-control drugs (or whatever).

All of these unpleasant individuals are arrayed stylishly atop a low hill a few miles from the party, awaiting the return of their awful bats, and the gifts.

The gifts are not gifts from the bats to Sabbra. They will be among the many gifts from Sabbra to her betrothed. Once bats and booty are collected from the night sky, Sabbra et al will make their way back to whatever commandeered local castle the rest of her retinue is ensconced in.


Killing Yourself To Live

Plasniz is a mess.

If he survives the fight, he'll keep talking about how he wishes he were in better shape for his mysterious upcoming gig and doubts he'll be able to heal in time because it promises to pay astronomically well. When he gets to the nearest town he'll keep working, despite a broken jaw and torn ligaments. It should strike anyone not used to living in the middle ages as pretty much psychotic.

If he dies, it will cause a disturbance in the small towns and demimondaine districts of any local civilized communities (he was an esteemed entertainer) and rumors of mysterious foreigners frantically searching for talented acrobats.

...and probably people in the party and the town will be pretty pissed that bats stole their stuff. Maybe there'll be a reward for getting it back.  All those sentimental cameos and precious rings.


Who Are You?

This section's about what happens if the players inquire after whoever hired Plasniz or is attempting to hire entertainers.  If they don't, skip it.

First: if the Black Knight and company haven't been tracked down, the bats will attack a halfling city, stealing silver crumpet trays and prize apples.

Now, here's what can be found out from local entertainers and their intimates:

1. They're hiring a lot of entertainers, but looking for the best.
2. They speak quietly in strange accents and wear black.
3. They are also hiring chefs and bakers.
4. In search of talent, they're likely headed to the nearest halfling city.
5. They're paying 5 times the normal rate.
6. No instructions have been forthcoming, just "keep you calendars open"

Tracing them to the nearest halfling city will indeed turn the agents up. Basic inquiries will reveal they are talent scouts of the Exotic East, themselves hired by a mysterious (but local) intermediary.

The intermediary is a woman known to more savvy locals to be a (well-guarded) agent of a local, powerful, but basically innocuous monarch. If extraordinary means are employed (magic or torture) she'll reveal she's recruiting all these personnel for a special tourney to be held in 2 months time and she has no idea what's up with all the secrecy.


Looking For Today

If the PCs ignore all this stuff, then hooks will begin to multiply:

-The bats will continue to menace the area
-Reports will begin coming in that whatever local lord once had that castle that the Black Knight took over has not responded to diplomatic missives and there's rumored to be adventureworthy shenanigans and possibly lost heirlooms in that castle.
-After their next conspicuously impressive exploit, the fighters among the party will be offered a cede in a coming tournament--of which they are forbidden to speak.
-Great warriors of distant nations will be seen on the road in the coming weeks. Strange, proud men and women, some gracious, some confused, some quick to anger. 


Spiral Architect

Another mystery will arise in the coming weeks, found in some forgotten corner or treasure hoard: ancient architectural plans for a vast and bizarre spiralling structure, (cold riveted supports with cores of pure selenium, for example) clearly situated overlooking a lonely cliff.

The notes on the plans are written in the split tongue of witches (two ancient northern languages alternating) and date from 12,000 years in the past.

The lonely, isolated stretch of coastline surrounding the site is drawn in enough detail to be identifiable if someone spent 25 hours time pouring over merchant's maps of the northern continents.


-
-
-

The Polder

$
0
0
This subcomplex appears on hidden levels of the most brutal and frenzied dungeons.

1. First Room

This is a calm place. The calm is remarkable and it is real. Violent speech and action are impossible because they will strike anyone in the room as both pointless and undesirable. Most of the furniture is covered in velvet, and it is not so much dimly as comfortingly lit. A soft trickle is audible. Ottomans and old leather.


2. Last Room

The grey stone-wrought room feels almost like a dead planet. This was once a temple, but the finery has long ago been stripped and the statues have been weathered and vandalized beyond recognition.

Anyone entering will hear a telepathic voice. No matter their cultural background or level of sophistication they will inevitably (and privately) categorize the voice to themselves as the voice the moon would have if it could talk. The voice will ask "Are you loved?"

The PC will be unable to leave the room until they answer.

If they say no, or say they are unsure, they will find themselves transported to a room just off a main corridor in the dungeon, outside a locked cell containing an overlooked NPC from the character's past who does indeed love the player character.

If they say yes, they will be asked "By whom?" and be unable to leave the room until they list names. For each creature named that does love the PC, the PC will gain advantage on one die roll used to aid that creature. If any of the names listed are actually names of creatures that do not love the PC, the voice will explain the true nature of their relationship to the character. The PC will be transported back to where they entered the Polder as soon as s/he inaccurately lists a name or as soon as s/he finishes, whichever comes first.


3. The Pool of Cages

In torchlight, the half-submerged bars appear as stripes of long white melting into zigzags as it hits the water. There are many cages, medium sized, like you might put people in. People without human rights.

They're built like buoys.

If you stand on one it won't sink, though they're not stable. The metal itself is buoyant in some way, stuffed with cork or whatever. It's possible to cross the water hopping from one to the next.

You think…there should be something in them. But there isn't. Why would anyone put a pool of cages and nothing in the cages?

It's so quiet.


4. The Night Fountain

Black water pinpricked with points of glittering light emerges here from a sculpted spout. Small indigo lizards climb the carved walls and harmless bats flicker about.

Anyone looking into the fountain will be fascinated by the overlapping and glistening layers. If they concentrate for one minute, they see a vision of their most feared enemy. This will be a true vision, showing the moment in the past during which that enemy felt most bereft and defeated, the closest to suicide.


5. Place of Long Memory

It is difficult to say if the lamplit maps and pictures, the fixtures and mementoes are the products of sympathetic magic meant to evoke the party's past allies, lost friends, forgotten inns and old victories or whether the random ephemera is just that and the feeling of weariness and loss that overcomes them is a wholly natural responses to these fragmentary reminders of lives and adventures shared and long since past.

There is nothing overt, disturbing or in any way clue-like about any of this, merely a feeling of vastness of human time--tasted as it comes, half-noticed, evaporating.

Anyone sitting and talking in this place for a half hour or more with friends will regain all lost hit points, but will be distracted and therefore at disadvantage for perception checks for the rest of the day unless they eat while they are here.


6. All Tomorrow's Parties

Children sleep here on the floor in the dark, in sleeping bags embroidered with moons and stitched together from the rags of obsolete orphanages. Close inspection will reveal familiar faces. They are the party members when they were young, who will remember this incident as a dream.

Any party member attempting to cross the room will encounter their younger self, who wakes and asks, with the heartbreaking affectlessness of the totally ignorant "What will become of me?"

If the party member takes advantage of this situation to give their child-self any specific piece of warning or advice about the future, the child will immediately go back to sleep, but when the party member leaves the room they will find the timeline has been adjusted to reflect having taken the advice. The GM may allow the PC a charisma-v-younger-self's-wisdom roll for any advice that would have unusually catastrophic consequences. Otherwise the child will go back to sleep after about two minutes conversation or when ignored.


7. A Mercy Kitchen

The iron and copper cookware hangs from the narrow beams like familiar baubles from backyard trees. There is a faint smell of freshly-sliced green apples here, and there are cool countertops of sanded stone and there is a painting of a storm-tossed ship on a far sea.

Anyone resting their chin on the counter, looking occasionally up at the ship, and discussing anything with another party member who is cooking or baking will be immune to any mental assault for one day for each hour spent so occupied.

The 15 recipe books lining the shelves are written in the literary form of the local tongue as it stood in the last century. The recipes in them--if prepared within this kitchen--can cure any ailment, malady, affliction, or curse, though each requires fresh organ meats from the bodies of specific wicked creatures in the surrounding dungeon.

--
This place lies halfway between the Plane of Neutral Good and the Plane of Shadow. It is parasitical and paradoxical, and feeding on the horror and loneliness in the surrounding locus of the earthly plane.

The gods of good things rarely speak--it is essential to their nature to stand silent and let themselves be recognized.




And now, a word from our sponsor...
Yoon-Suin is a great fever dream of the east, and I own it
and I like it and when my players go off the edge of the map
that is where they end up. Buy it.



Maze of the Blue Medusa Available

$
0
0
This is probably my most D&Dish painting. You can now order a print of it here.







It's designed so it can actually be keyed and used as a map






You can also get it as a throw pillow or a shower curtain or a bunch of other things.

Ok Weird Gnomes

$
0
0
Every gnome was once a home. Their eyes were once shuttered windows, their mouths wooden doors, their pointed caps once turret roofs. They bear inside of them the memories of vanished occupants and homely meals.

The process begins when the home becomes bored. Typically this occurs when it is abandoned, but in a few known cases domiciles have gone gnomish due to extraordinarily tedious occupants.

The dwelling, thus dispirited, is presented with choices. Large and sinister homes often go mad--resulting in dungeons. Small fortified places--rigid in their identities--become Tower Golems. Humble houses of homely aspect generally go gnomish in search of adventure.

Gnomes do not possess what we would term interior organs--they have instead a series of cavernlike chains of mineral tissue occupied by sparrows, gray mice, and the like. These are the lifeblood of the gnome and, if the creature is injured, they may flee the hollows of its enigmatic body.

Gnomes gain bonuses to wisdom and constitution proportional to those granted in the system they are in and have advantage when looking for hidden things in domestic spaces. They assuage their guilt over ceasing to be available to occupants by seeking gold, devices and precious stones with which to furnish and gild the new homes they build to replace themselves. In tomes bound in bone they record the process of birthing these imperfect wood and stone clones.

They are intensely excitable--gnomes, who have been known to see merely moving across a field of heather desperately fascinating well into their eighties, find the kinetic thrill of traps and combats intoxicating. They despise any fire not properly contained in a hearth or lantern.

They get along with halflings but find their cuisine alien, as gnomes eat only eggs. Dwarves like to rub their noses for luck, but consider them dangerously naive. Elves, whose homes and purposes are eternal, simply find them baffling.

And now, a word from our sponsor (who has agnother take on gnomes altogether)...
Get Zzarchov's Gnomes of Levnec here.


Benefits of Being The Chosen of Tiamat

$
0
0
The Black Knight is dead and gone, thus the Black Wing of Tiamat will go unrepresented in the coming tourney. 

The remaining knights need abilities that:

-reflect their Churches 
-have a meaningful mechanical effect on the direction of the fight
and
-keep the players who aren't in the fight (ie everyone but Laney) excited to see the next die roll

So, treat them as 20th level fighters or paladins in plate mail except the following. Effects with durations last one round.

Cobalt Knight

On a successful hit..

1. Magnetic discharge knocks any nearby armored foe to the ground
2. Magnetic attraction draws enemy weapon to the Knight
3. Electric shock delivers d4 damage per point of metal armor
4. Mutation: Knight gains an arm and an attack
5. Mutation: Knight gains a head

Pale Knight

When initiative is won...

1. Last round repeats if it was favorable to the Pale Knight, or is erased if it was not
2. Next strike paralyzes for one round if it hits
3. If the next hit on an enemy is prevented by parry or armor, the object (armor piece, weapon, shield) ceases to exist
4. Slows enemy
5-6. Foe will momentarily forget where s/he is. The Knight has advantage to hit.
Red Knight

When struck...

1. Rage (advantage on str checks and damage)
2.-3. Flame (enemy catches on fire)
4.-5. Lava birth (lava baby crawls out of wound and attacks)
6. Mutilating strike (next hit removes an arm or something if successful)

Knight Viridian

When the enemy tries and fails to hit...

1. Regenerate d30 now or when next wounded
2. Anyone will believe the next lie you tell
3. Foe drops their weapon
4. Foe begins to hallucinate (as Confusion)
5. Poisoned bite (extra attack)
6. Scales grow (+1 AC)

And now, a word from our sponsor:
Go here.

The Ones With No Chill

$
0
0


Quicklings, only halfling-tall, are one of the many disasters made possible by the union of man and elf. When the humors mix awry, the resulting offspring inherit the capacity of experience of an elf, but only the mortal span of a human to experience it in.

You ever notice how capricious and stately elves are with their fucking stag horn crowns and twisty lathed smooth wood and shit? This is because they have all the time in the world. They wallow in unacknowledged temporal privilege.

Not quicklings. Their eyes are red with stimulants and bad frenzy, their homes are chaotic with the clicking of clocks. Their lives are desperations. They want more. You move so slow, you talk so slow. You bore them so much.

They always win initiative, their voices are shrill, and they attack three times per round. Their principle occupation is to acquire experience before death. They want more life, fucker.

A typical quickling encounter begins with the local lord awaking to find his cupboards bare, his animals behaving strangely, his maids terrified, his art stolen, his secret doors wide open, his drugs dispersed about the halls and maybe a lone leftover quickling on a chandelier--inebriated and dangling and babbling a poem about smocks or some shit. The rest are long gone.

Occasionally long but barely-legible works of food or art criticism are left in place of the items themselves, the ink still wet. The reasoning in these essays is solid, if unnecessarily prescriptive.

Parties occasionally encounter quicklings because they possess something unique, or have gained access to a unique place. The quicklings must sample it. A ring of fire breathing? Must know what that's like. The Unknown Caverns of Vacuous Glear? Must know them. 

What is that? A bootlast? What do you do with it? Why do you do that? Why do you exist? I hate you. Poke poke poke poke poke you full of holes I hate you so much. Now what do you look like inside out?

They are as culturally developed as any elves (they learn fast, naturally) but their culture is deeply unclean. They've already done everything normal-fun and have long-ago moved into fucked-up fun. 



True elves (what they call "snail elves") value their counsel on matters such as aesthetics, fencing and the natural world (their various analyses being the result of far more observation) though, being obviously abominations against the natural order, they are wary of them. A Seelie lord may ask a party to locate (never easy) and bring in a quickling consultant to address some pressing* matter.

They have names like "Skrinthian Ipting" and "Scree-Act Proth".


----
(*In the elven sense of the word, so this could be "What do we do about the fucking orcs over there?" but also "What is the ideal length of a horn to sound on the first day of spring after the meerkats wake?")


And now a word from our sponsor....
These are neat. Get them here.

Gen Con, True Detective, Sleeping Kids, Merch, How to Run Vidchat Games and more

$
0
0
* Our wizard, Charlotte Stokely, was on True Detective Sunday night.

*If you're going to be at Gen Con, visit Booth 835, (Sigh Co), they'll have got signed copies of Red & Pleasant Land, R&PL bags as well as some very GenCon freebies we made just for y'all.

Also they've got some cool Lovecraft merch...

*In other Gen Con news, there is no way Red & PleasantLand is going to win any of the stuff it's nominated for. Like 20,000 people voted and there's only like 3,000 print copies of the book, so the awards are going to go to mainstream stuff. Just saying: chill. It's nice we got nominated. But the awards are going to skew toward stuff everybody's actually heard of.

* During last week's game, the party encountered the sleeping children room. After half an hour of being verrrry suspicious, they figured out the deal. Laney gave her child-self the Cymric Dirk, the weapon she held as the Knight Viridian, which meant she'd retroactively been the Viridan Knight her whole life and she was suddenly an anti-paladin, which she turned into just in time to heal people who'd had the shit beat out of them by a giant bat which I got to represent with a real taxidermied bat I just got for my birthday. Here I scanned it:
Then she re-went into the room and unpaladined herself and went back to normal. Also some other people gave their kid selves instruments so they have Performance at plus-whatever now.

Which, considering all the ways that room could go, is a little strange.

*Dak has created a group for Old School game merch on Massdrop which is basically a way to get discounts on stuff by working together to make bulk orders. There's an FAQ here.

*Speaking of merch:
...you can get the Red & Pleasant Land art printed on anything now. If you just want a big print you can get that, too.

*We did a video panel on how to run a game over Google + here for Indie plus. It was me and Raphael Chandler and Contessa's Sarah Doombringer and other folks. A lot of people ask how to get started on GMing or playing games on-line: there you go.

“Whoever takes this book or steals it or in some evil way removes it from the Church of St Caecilia, may he be damned and cursed forever, unless he returns it or atones for his act” etc.

*This G+ thread has turned out interesting: 
"
Loose Ends Thread Have you dropped a chance detail into your game and have no idea where it's supposed to be headed? Put it in this thread.
Got an idea how to turn someone' else's loose thread into a new gameable for their upcoming sessions? Put it in this thread.
"
So far it's got sacrifices being enigmatically murdered before the cultists can get to them, an organ-harvesting witch and more. (If you haven't added me and written me a note telling me you want to be in my game circles, you won't be able to see it.)
-
-
-

Assume 'Nurture' And See What Happens...

$
0
0
Players do an important bit of worldbuilding for you every time they make a character. If they choose a half-orc, that suddenly means your setting definitely has human and orcs. If they have a crowbar, that means someone invented crowbars.
What's in the Hool Marshes? Something

Here's a way to squeeze a little more worldbuilding out of every PC at the table. It's based around some simple principles:

-It's nice to have some regular old villages and whatnot to drop on the map
-Making regular old villages and whatnot is boring
-They're a little more interesting if they have a relationship to the PCs
-Even if the PCs die and get replaced, the part of the map they created just by existing is there forever, so they've added to the world even after they're gone.

Pick up any player's finished character sheet...




1. Is the character from the city, the country, the woods, or what? Often this'll be established or strongly implied by the character or player right out of the box, and some character gen systems even nail it down for you--the urchin background in 5e heavily implies a city, for instance.

If not, roll d100 for the place the PC came from:

1-30 City (in which case subsequent rolls may be about the whole city or just a neighborhood)
31-70 Rural (like villages, farms, etc)
71-85 Wilderness
86-90 Rootless group (group of hunter-gatherers, caravan of actors, etc)
91-95 Castle or fortress
96-00 Someplace weird and setting-specific like an eternal combat flotilla or zeppelin-city (maybe wait until you've figured out a little more below before deciding what exactly)






2. How common is the PC's class in their home?

Roll d8:

1-Rare
2-6 Common unless it's a spellcasting class
7 If the PC is a thief, wizard or druid, the class is common, if not, as 8 below.
8 The place is specially known having a lot of members of this class (for example, if the PC is a fighter, the place has a large military encampment, if they're a cleric, it has an important and active cathedral)





3. How common is the PC's race where they came from?

Roll d10:
1 The PC is an exception
2-3 The place is a mixed society
4-9 The dominant race is the same as the PC unless they're tiefling, half-elf or half-orc
10 Dominant race is the same as the PC





4. Take a look at the PC's ability scores and roll below to see if any of them might be a legacy of their upbringing. If previous rolls show the PC's class is common in their home, ignore the ability score associated with that class (for example, if the PC has a high int and wizards are common in the PC's hometown, we know why everybody there has a high int).


Unusually High Charisma? Roll d8
1 Sexy local gene pool
2 The place harbors a vigorous service-economy (bartenders, palm-readers, carriage-drivers, etc) and the locals have thereby developed a reputation for silver tongues
3 The notoriously dangerous nature of local politics, feudal conflict, wildlife, gang activity or the like gives all natives a certain edgy romance
4 The place is considered somewhat of a center of taste, sophistication, and style
5-8 The PC or their family is just unusual




Unusually Low Charisma? Roll d8
1 Hideous local gene pool
2 It's boring there: if isolated, the place is the far from the center of the action, if central, the place is so like its neighbors as to be unremarkable
3 Local customs and habits are considered kind of broadly obnoxious outside the area (100% chance inhabitants are proud of this)
4 Folks here either drink alone lot or learned manners from people who do
5-8 The PC or their family is just unusual





Above-average Dexterity? Roll d6
1 The landscape in the area is treacherous (steeply mountainous, full of angry wolves, etc)
2 A dominant industry or sport in the area requires nimbleness (pearl diving, juggling etc)
3 Thieves are common in the area
4-6 The PC or their family is just unusual




Below-average Dexterity? Roll d6
1 Food is plentiful in the area and inhabitants are typically sedentary or overweight
2 A dominant industry in the area requires no particular agility (accountancy, etc)
3 People there have distinctly deformed feet, hands or spines
4-6 The PC or their family is just unusual




Above-Average Wisdom? Roll d6
1 The place is home to a major temple, church or other spiritual center
2 There is an ineffable harmony to the place, which the inhabitants absorb by osmosis
3 The place has recently experienced a great and chastening social upheaval (war, revolution), the lessons of which are fresh in the minds of the populace
4-6 The PC or their family is just unusual




Below-Average Wisdom? Roll d10
1 The gods hate and shun this place on account of the behavior of its past rulers
2 The place is home to a powerful but hopelessly superstitious temple, church or other spiritual center
3 The place is essentially a sucky place to live, antithetical to human pleasure and prosperity and those who remain are a self-selected group of lunatics
4 The place is fundamentally unsettling and Twin Peaksish rendering all locals a wee bit wobbly
5 The government or administration is unusually good at both sucking and propaganda, rendering those who live here unusually out-of-touch with reality
6-10 The PC or their family is just unusual





Above-average Strength? Roll d4
1 A major industry in the area is mining or suchlike brawny task
2 The folk of this place are warlike and might-thewed
3-4 The PC or their family is just unusual




Below-average Strength? Roll d4
1 There's a lot of tapestrymaking or other work here requiring little physical heft
2 It is a wealthy place and many of the inhabitants scorn physical labor
3-4 The PC or their family is just unusual





Above-Average Intelligence? Roll d8
1 There is a university, monastery or other center of learning in this place
2 This is a crossroads, wayfarers bring ideas from all over
3 There is or was once great wealth here and denizens have access to public amenities which abet learning such as an observatory or zoos
4 The place is isolated, requiring those who live there to create ingenious or original solutions to basic problems of survival
5-8 The PC or their family is just unusual





Below-Average Intelligence? Roll d6
1 The place was founded by possessors of a dogmatic philosophy antithetical to learning
2 The place is isolated, but still wholly typical of a larger culture, accepting what comes in but producing little that is original
3 Something in the water makes folks there Not Quite Right
4-6 The PC or their family is just unusual





Above-Average Constitution? Roll d4
1 A robust and rugged environment promoting general health
2 The place is well-administered ensuring most inhabitants have access to health care
3-4 The PC or their family is just unusual





Below-Average Constitution? Roll d6
1 A poisonous, famine-prone or polluted place
2 An inbred environment, natives lack hybrid vigor
3 The place is decadent and pampered, ensuring inhabitants are poorly-prepared for the outside world
4-6 The PC or their family is just unusual






5. Money/Social Class. If previous rolls haven't yet established whether the PC's hometown was rich or poor, take a look at the PC's own markers of social class. In Old School games this is typically the starting money rolled but there can be other indicators: Paladins or those with the Aristocrat or Noble background are high-status for instance. If the character is unusually rich or poor roll below...

Roll d6
1-2 The PCs relative wealth or lack thereof compared to the average reflects the prosperity or poverty of their place of origin
3-6 The PC or their family is just unusual




6. Extra languages.  If the PC has any extra languages...

Roll d6 for each extra language:
1-2 The extra language is often spoken in the PC's place of origin
3-6 The PC or their family is just unusual





7. Weapons

Roll d6 for each of the PC's major weapons...
1-2 The weapon is a typical hunting, self-defense or military weapon in the area the PC came from
3-6 The PC is just unusual in having skill with this weapon




8. Special abilities, backgrounds, skills and trades 

In some systems (AD&D by-the-book and 5e for instance) your PC will have non-class non-race associated abilities or trades (my AD&D half-orc fighter Slovenly Trull can sew for instance).


For each of these abilities or descriptors, roll d10
1 The PC's home is a renowned center of this trade
2-7 This trade is common in the area the PC hails from
8-10 The PC is just unusual in having this ability

Alright, go to it.


---

And now a word from our sponsor...
Here's an adventure by Kelvin Green--his stuff
is neat, check out Horror Among Thieves


Gen Con Booth 835

Victory Speech

$
0
0
Thank you, thank you all for coming...
In approximately 4 hours, in the Grand Ballroom of Union Station in Indianapolis, Indiana, it will be announced that my game book, Red & Pleasant Land, nominated for four Ennie awards, has not won a single one.*

The math here is fairly simple and I've explained it before: there are 3000 print copies in existence, Enworld.com's Ennie awards had 20,000 voters and--barring some egregiously quick pdf sales or egregious lack of enthusiasm for the well-distributed and promoted mainstream products, it can't possibly win.

All props, though, to James Edward Raggi IV for building a company that punches so far above its weight in over the last five years. Expect this to happen all over again next year with Broodmother Sky Fortress or Veins of the Earth.

But that isn't the math that I want to talk about today. Here's the math I want to talk about:

2000 x 15 = 30,000

I keep checking that figure because I can't believe it.

If you can sell a mere two thousand print copies of a book which retails for 30 bucks and you get half of that (15$) and it takes you 3 months to do the writing and art, you're moving toward something like a grown-up income. You won't win an Ennie--some thing 90 guys worked on and all of them feel kind of ok about will--but the tens of thousands of dollars will be some consolation.

The bad news is: it has to be both innovative and interesting. The good news is: it gets to be both innovative and interesting. It also has to be worth thirty dollars.

There are already simple, successful models for DIY publishing--the first is the one we practice on all the blogs every week, including here: make free or cheap content as a hobby, give to other bloggers, and don't worry about money, your profit is people building on your ideas and giving you more free content.

Kevin Crawford lays out a second model here and I don't think I'd get any disagreement from Kevin when I say his model is:

-Make things for a broad audience
-Make a lot of things
-Work hard year round
-Don't worry about being inspired, just work

Kevin is an honorable man who knows what he's about. What I am saying here is that Red & Pleasant Land proves a totally different and third model is also viable in 2015:

-Ignore what the audience wants
-Put all your effort into that one thing
-Work hard for a few months
-Keep your team small
-Put out a thing that is exactly and only the thing you are inspired to work on

A few years ago, I figured out that you actually make more money doing your own stuff than working for the majors. (Immediately after, noted White Wolf has-been Malcolm Sheppard made fun of my numbers and D&D head honcho Mike Mearls wrote an email to me to say they were dead on.) What I'm telling you now is stranger than that by an order of magnitude: doing your own weird dream project will actually make you as much or more money than worrying about what The Market wants.

The fact is game people want fucked up cool game stuff and just enough of them have the money to pay for it that you can make it work for you and, in the process, fund the creation of something genuinely creative that we all are glad was published instead of like more tastefully scrub-ass public domain art and hipster-graphic design microgames and Legolas-colored dicebags with "Hug Your DM" screened on them.

Here's what you'll need:

-Very good art--or at least art that 2000 fans will accept as "very good art"--you will have to hire or be Matthew Adams or Aaron Aelfrey or someone else.  Not "professional art". Every piece of d20 crap at the store has very professional art, and none of those guys are worth half a Scrap Princess. This is because Paizo and WOTC have that angle sewn up: they can hire all the artists that look like the professional standard and are actually worth a damn and pay them more than you can. You need art that is as personal a statement as the content is going to be. Of course: why the fuck would you hire less than a genius to work on your dream project?

If you're not the artist, pay them thousands of dollars: it'll be worth it, because you'll make thousands more. Even if we're still assuming half of your 30$ cover price disappears into a black hole, if you give the artist a profit split equalling 20,000$ for two months of painting, that leaves you with 10,000$ for one month of writing. Not a bad deal. This is not just borne out by the Raggi experience: by far the most successful StoryGame is Burning Wheel and--holy coincidence--it's one of the only ones which has art that doesn't suck all of the balls.

If Apocalypse World had had a real artist on it, Vincent Baker would no longer have a day job.

-A lot of art. There needs to be art on every page or damn near close. In color.

-Art on every page, seriously.

-If you aren't the artist, work with the artist to create the book. Art isn't decoration or explanation of your marvellous words. It is half the fucking content. Here. The art should make the idea seem cool to someone who never even realized it could be cool. Like that thief in Mentzer that made stealing and sneaking seem more fun than being Conan.

-Graphic design that goes all the way.This is probably the hardest lesson for the RPG business to grasp. Ok, watch, one of these books on the Gencon Ennie table is not like the others...
Ditto the inside, which you've all probably heard about ad nauseamby now. But the point is: we wasted lots and lots of time making sure not one single thing about the design was off-the-shelf, not one single thing was standard. It was designed to look original and memorable and, from the font to the ribbon (unlike nearly everything else on the market) to be the book we could use at the game table. RPL is not just a sexy book, it's arguably a book that's easier to use than a pdf.

Your thing won't be Red & Pleasant Land. It won't need to be used at the table the same way Red & Pleasant Land is, it may not even be a book, but it will need to be designed 100% around whatever its own unique use at the table is. Do something original and necessary and do it from the beginning. The conception of the book should include the design.

-Zero market research. Fuck what people want. Gaming is a lot of people--if Luke Crane can sell 10,000 copies of a game with micromechanized Elf Sadness and Fred Hicks can sell comparable numbers of Bland: The System you can fucking sell 2000 copies of whatever your fucked up idea is.

Spooky Alice In Wonderland With Vampires is seriously the most played-out hack idea imaginable (TSR had already done two Alice modules and built a whole setting around fake-Dracula) and what player wants to go near a setting where pretty much every monster has level drain? But I liked it and Jez liked it and James liked it and that's all that mattered for us to put enough energy into it to make a few thousand other people like it.

-Do everything you want done. You know who worries about whether what they want is the same as what they can sell? Businessmen. You know who is better at being an RPG businessman than you? Everybody in the mainstream RPG world. So give us a product no businessman would ever bet on. It'll be bizarre and we'll all want one.

-Take no fucking shit from anyone. I get a "you catch more flies with honey" speech from a different beardo with a different failed Kickstarter every week. Guess what? Flies don't buy D&D books. They don't even have wallets. Because they're flies. They don't even have pockets. They just have big roundy golfball eyes.

You catch gamers by giving them something they don't already have, and what they already have in spades is people constantly feeding them hype in order to sell shit or soft-pedaling to avoid pissing off moderators.

Maybe there are two thousand people who hate James Edward Raggi IV, maybe there are three thousand that hate me. Here's some...

Now you know who never to talk to
or give any money to. Don't do anything with or
to these people, ever, even if they ask you to.

The anger was real, yo.


But there are at least that many that know I'll never lie to them and nothing I say is just for effect or to make someone happy. If I say "I am very proud of what we achieved with this book" know that this is a thing that is genuinely up to the obnoxiously high standards I hold other peoples' things to on this blog.

This is an effect that only the small publisher can achieve. When a company reaches a certain size, every utterance they make becomes marketing-speak even when it is sincere. The fact that what you say about your work will rise from a ground of the grimy and unvarnished ground of all the other random shit you say on the RPG internet is not a weakness --you do not have to change this voice. If they trust that person who talks about all that is great or terrible about the Ant Man movie, they will trust you when you say your thing isn't coming out in April like you said because you broke your leg but when it does come out it'll be magnificent because you are excited.

-Be honest with your partners. To y'all, James Raggi has a reputation as That Gore Metal Dickhead. To freelancers, however, he has a reputation as That Freakishly Honest Guy. He pays you on time and well, he says what's on his mind, he shows you the balance sheets, he packs your books carefully, he replaces the damaged ones, he goes above and beyond. He actually delayed the RPL trailer to make sure I'd written to the band and gotten official permission to use the song even though there was no way we'd ever get any blowback from it. And y'know what? It's paid off. People want to work with him, customers trust him with their money, and the stuff that comes out is people's best work because they know it will be handled with care rather than chucked out in front of a micromarket that doesn't give a fuck.

-------

And yeah yeah for those of you thinking But I'm not Tony Stark. Well then you've got work to do--the first step is realizing it.

Point is: that thing you thought you could do before you got on the forums and got all cynical, you can do that thing. But if you half-ass it, it will fail--there are unmarked graves overflowing with halfdone ugly heartbreakers and indie games with shit bestfriend cartoon art nobody will ever play or love.

Imagine the hell out of it, kids. The future is not yet written.
*EDIT: I was totally wrong, I won 2 golds for Best Writing and Best Setting and 2 silvers for Product of the Year and Best Adventure. So ignore this whole post I'm clearly an idiot.

The Reaping Of The Tears

$
0
0
Last night, working, I suddenly noticed I had 25 new messages...


They told me Stacey's acceptance speech was very sweet.

I figured it'd be fun to check all the twitter accounts that had been harassing us all year...

...it so was.



Meanwhile, Mandy was already at the bar...


I don't have a very good relationship with Fred, but if you do
you could explain to him that the reason his thing didn't win Best Writing
was because the writing in it was bad.





Stacy's third acceptance speech was a joke about how
she was running out of things to say. Actually it was
her fourth acceptance speech because her thing, Contessa,
won best blog.








Well, not everyone, Harassment Bunny.


(PS at some point a Japanese girl had painted a
bunch of swirlies on Mandy's face)



This, at least, is true. I entirely lack remorse.


Me too, it doesn't have 300 pages.
















Responsible, grown-up commentary on what all this winning means by Stacy here. Visit booth 835 if you get a minute.
What a stupid bear.






We Are 138....no, wait,135...133...

$
0
0

A person named themself "rollforproblematic" and
if you buy one, you will hurt their feelings
Normally I wouldn't hit you fine people with a ton of producty posts all in a row and I am currently working on a long look at Ghost Tower of Inverness but this is kind of a thing:

James only updates the "copies left" of products sporadically and so we didn't realize until this morning: of the 3000 Red & Pleasant Lands printed, there are only 130some left by mail order.

There might be some in stores, but you know how that goes. Again: with Vornheim now only available on ebay for over 100 dollars, if you or anybody you know wants a first edition hardcover, or will want one this Christmas it's time to roll up.

Dare you Enter The GHOoOOooooST ToWerRRRRR??

$
0
0
Knock knock

Who's there?

Ghost Tower of Inverness

Ghost Tower of Inver--

BUGBEARS HIT YOU!

Oh my god, it really is you, the dread Ghost Tower.

Yes, it is I, Module C2 conceived for the Wintercon VII tournament in Detroit in 1979, copyright 1980!

Fuck me in half.

Know you that in the elder days before the Invoked Devastation and the Rain of Colorless Fire, when the ancient peaks of the Abbor-Alz still thrust skyward sharp at majestic, there existed between the Bright Desert and the mount of the river Selintan a great fortress called Inverness....

That's pretty good actually.


White Dwarf once gave me an 8 out of 10 and Dungeon ranked me 30th best adventure of all time!

Well.........things were very different then.

Fuck you and fuck your Deep Carbon Observatory.

Can I help you?
Come inside me!

Ok, first: Ew.

Pull back my red and Roslof-clad covers. You are in me!

And second the You-are-in-me joke was played out this time last year.

Dare you seek the Soul Gem!?!?!?!????

The mcguffin is called the "Soul Gem" because in the 1970s all mcguffins were called the "Soul Gem"....

It is a gem of inestimable power!

...also all vans.

Dare you enter my upper works?

Maybe, what's there?

Wandering monsters.

Uh, ok?

1 Wight!  

Sure

2 Weretiger!

That's it? No "Disguised as a frustrated lady of the Sodden Provinces bearing beechwood wine who beseeches the party for aid in locating her lost children?"

It is ferocity incarnate!

Whatever, Tournament Module

3 Beetle, Bombardier!

That is the stupidest thing

4 Doppleganger !

Much better

5 Giant......Lizard !

"Oh I loved that part it was like a dragon only less"

6 Giant Snake !

Yeah, sure.

7 Brown Bear !

Seriously?

8 Giant ant 

Fuck anyone who uses a giant ant I don't care how many panels you've been on.

9 Stone giant 

Dope.

10 Horned Devil 

Why are a bear and the devil on the same chart?

Dare ye face the horrors on the second chart?

That depend, is it gonna have a giant badger on it?

Let us skip to the room descriptions....

Yeah ok but not the empty ones.

Room...5:

Cool.

The room has 20 squares. If you step on six specific ones, one of six monsters will appear.

Ok...

That's it.

Wait, what?

It is not more complicated than that.

That's not even a puzzle, really. Just, like, some fights that might happen. Or not.

Yes! One of the monsters that might happen is a leucrotta!

Well here it's wasted because the only good thing about a leucrotta is when you first hear it in another room because it is a creepy monster that can do a human voice and so you think it's a baby.

Room 6!

Hold on, wait: 'Fuck you, Room 5'. Ok, continue.

If you step into the room, a given number of inanimate bugbears will animate!

...and, what, hit you with clubs?

With mighty fists! They are unarmed.

In the picture he has a club.

No illustrator is the boss of the Ghoooost Towerrrr

Ok, I'm just saying, like...

And, consider this: if more party members enter, more bugbears will animate!

That's quite a...yeah. Very evocative.

And in the next room...

Super excited.

A manticore that hides.

And...?

I knew you were going to ask me that.

So: nothing.

Yeah.

Is there like even ghosts in this tower?

There is a giant ghost ball!

'Ghost ball'?

It runs over you. You're fine but all your friends think you died, because of the power of ill-yoo-zee-unn.

That's kinda cool. Why does that happen?

Crazy wizard.

Just, no reason, like: it happens and then you figure out it happened and then keep going when the guy's like "Hey I'm not dead" and then you notice, illusion over.

Pretty much.

I mean...there could be a wandering monster during that and that'd be fun.

Like a giant badger!

Next.

The Crystal Ball!!!!

A lot of balls here.

Unlike Room 5 instead of encounters being triggered patternlessly by walking across the floor, they are triggered patternlessly by saying one of 4 words carved on a pedestal. (Arches ghost eyebrow.)

Yeah.

After four are triggered it's over.

Which four?

Any...four.

Including the same ones twice?

Yes.

So it's not really a puzzle either?

One of them is an owlbear!

A. Mazing.

In the next room...an umber hulk attacks. 

I am electric eeling with shock over here at the unexpectedness of that shit.

But only if you spend more than one round in the room.

Hey girl are you the Sixth goddamn Sense because I have never seen such a twist.

And now a room, I call...

Do you know what time it is? Anyone?

...The Guess What I'm Thinking To Get Past This Beaded Curtain, Then When You Do You Are Surprised by Ogres Bugbears And Gargoyles Who Will Hit You Room!

So this is basically just hazing at this point, right?

Ok, so it's no Lyonesse, it gets better though...

I'm so hoping.

The Renowned Inverness Chess Room:

Alright.

You appear on a square on a giant chess board and have to move around like the chess piece you appeared in the starting position of or else get zapped.

That's kinda neat.

Thank you, chess gimmicks were all the rage in Detroit in 1979.

I like that, for once, it not only has thematic resonance but ways to figure out how it works other than by sheer trial and error.

Yes! Also the squares that should be white are grey, blue, green and yellow!

What does that do?

Nothing.

WTF?

Ghooooooost Towerrrrrrrrr!

I am dubious.

Now, to access the door leading to the Inner Tower, the party must collect four disparate keys!

Total hack trope. Do they have to collect a tough-talking orphan with a heart of gold, too?

It's in Red & Pleasant Land.

Shut up.

Except...in the Ghooooost Toweerrrrr the keys do not look like keys at all! Only once assembled in the proper arrangement do the keys match the sigil that marks the entrance.

Actually that's pretty good.

Aha! There's that AND the chess puzzle AND the ghost ball--might you mayhap be falling under the spell of the GhoooOOOOoooost TowerrrrrrrRRRrrrrrrr?

Uh....can we finish this tomorrow?

NOW to the Inner Works.....

Seriously. Tomorrow.

Of course, the Ghost Tower can wait...(shrill giggle)

Great.

...for eternityyyyyyyyYyYyyyYy hahahahah...

Yeah.

....hahahhahaaaaHAAAA!!

Sure. To be continued, Ghost Tower. You stay right there.

------

And now, a word from our sponsor....
There are only 102 left.

Notes On the Vice D&D Article

$
0
0
So Vice asked me to write a thing about D&D--it went up today and it's here.


Footnotes:

This picture's from this session.

Last e-mail exchange before the article went up:

Unless you relish kicking off a "fake geek girls" panic in the comments, it's probably good to note (in their credits or in my bio) that these photos are from my actual weekly game group.

-Z


Haha good point. Will make a note. 

-J

---
Ohhhh, the Facebook comments.







They're actually worse than the comments on the Maxim article, which were mostly just amused. Also there are some awesome girls fucking shit up in the Facebook comments now, so that's fun.

The Richard Lindgard quote is often misattributed to Plato.

The Ice T quote is from just after he finished doing a passage for a Driz'zt audiobook.

The character sheet and sketch are both from Connie's pig-head-helmet-wearing half-elf thief, Gypsillia.

The "spells from Tizane's brain" listed inside the ring of dots are from when she drank a potion allowing her to learn spells by eating a spellcaster brain and then ate a temporal duplicate of Mandy's character's future self.

"a three-headed god that carries a panther-skin bag and throws a magic brick for 5-50 points of damage"--No Cha from Deities and Demigods.
"Patton Oswalt played a drunken dwarf" --as related at Skylight Books.

"Marilyn Manson says he was a dark elf" --as related at Laney's wedding to Twiggy.

"VICE international atrocity expert Molly Crabapple played a thief" --here at our place.

"...Stoya, for a druid with a dog named George?" --ditto.

The fucked up gray factory thing was some scenery I built originally for 40k, the green guy is a Reaper ice devil, the minotaur's also a Reaper, the goblin is a Reaper deep gnome.

You can read some prime Clark Ashton Smith here.

A fine example of Jack Vance's prose is here.

My favorite Lieber is The Snow Women, for example:

This outwardly comic combat had sinister undertones. Particularly when working all together, the Snow Women were reputed to wield mighty magics, particularly through the element of cold and its consequences: slipperiness, the sudden freezing of flesh, the gluing of skin to metal, the frangibility of objects, the menacing mass of snow-laden trees and branches, and the vastly greater mass of avalanches. And there was no man wholly unafraid of the hypnotic power in their ice-blue eyes.


I was surprised to be asked to write an article about D&D for Vice, but the distinguishing characteristic of the world is that it is reliably both large and strange.


Edit: Holy shit...



And now, a word from our sponsor...
Only 91 copies left via mail order.


One Of Those Sunday Posts Nobody Reads

$
0
0
Some notes:

*Despite what I said at first, aside from the usual Gurrrls Play DnD????? stuff, the comments on the Vice article on their Facebook page were incredibly sweet and surprising. So many people just love the game and want to play--there was not a single nerd-baiting comment. In Vice. In 2015. Weird.

*Sometimes I write actual play reports because there's a point they can make--sometimes I write them because I'm afraid I won't remember how insane shit is--like remembering a dream.

*Example of the latter: on Monday my AD&D group picked up a cursed object that attracts totally random encounters. I roll…Juiblex. The players are levels 8-11. They kill Juiblex. He tried, man.

*Spike's blog--Gorgonara--is new to me, but I like this:

Shadow people. They look like Asian shadow puppets. Theyre 2 dimensional organisms from the 2nd dimension that have immigrated to the 3rd dimension. The process of going into a bigger dimension has changed they permanently to be 2.5-d, they occupy a space 3-d space like anyone else but look the same from every angle. They were sent here to colonise the 3d world, and send back messages, but they failed miserably. Because they are different now they can never go home.

*I stopped rewriting the 5e Monster Manual because my manual was getting so taped over it was literally falling apart. I need to find a new way to do it. The monsters from there I did use turned out to work pretty well.

*People troll and play shitcritic because it's fun. (If fun--or "social re-enforcement"-- weren't the motive they'd be doing something more effective.) The way we made them stop is make it unfun. Really unfun.

*I liked Patrick's Marvel pitches

Luke Cage is lost in time. While he tries to survive and find meaning in a post-apocalyptic Britain somewhere between the fall of Rome and the Battle of Hastings, meanwhile Jessica Jones and his Kid search for him.

*Arnold Punch put up all his monsters on one list. Some entries are long, but all are interesting.
Fairy
   - Candy - Turn your horrible old weapons into sugar.
   - Flower - Turn your boring old food into flowers.
   - Gem - Turn your shiny gold into awesome glitter.
   - Ice - Turn all of dangerous flammables into lovely toys.
   - Tooth - Can steal the teeth right out of your head.

*Dungeon Dozen is on-point, too, this weekend

9. Involuntary, boundless levity in approach to all things, no matter how dire, all conversation framed as hilarious "bits", great effusions of genuine or feigned laughter the glue that holds society together

*Some people want online to be a bar where they rib each other constantly but it means nothing.
Others are obsessed with civility.
They don't get along.
A third kind, the obviously fragile people who can only report on their emotions, follow neither the barfly rule of the first kind or the Always Ignore Really Bad Things rule of the second kind but are tolerated by both.
None of them can at all relate to the fourth kind: people who actually wanna get shit done.

*Harry Potter (as a structure) seems less D&Dable than Harry Potter inverted: you are the person trying to murder someone who is safe in the arms of the institution. I think this may also be true of Arthurian D&D: infiltration of stable and complex institutions is a more player-centric adventure than being invited into them and then having to ferret out trouble within. Or, at least, you get to tour more of the institution with the inverted structure. Like: you don't want to joust or drink when everything's going fine and you just wait for the trouble--you want to be the disrupting presence, so each of these events is full of drama caused by the PCs and the PCs have to examine the tourney from all the angles.

It's like that rogues-and-sandboxes thing but it also applies to anything with periodically repeated rituals (classes, feasts, etc): there's only a point to gaming through them when they become a problem, and it's better when the players are motivated to make that problem happen.

*Call of Cthulhuish dream:

In the form of a documentary trailer. There's people who believe humans and frogs and newts share a common ancestor.

This animal is currently alive:

it looks like a small fat stylized frog with a somewhat pointed hace and stubby legs, but with faces  on both ends. One set of small legs. One of the 2 janus-faces is always covered in an algae-colored goo. The dividing line is very clear and straight.

A scientist is trying his whole life to disprove that they are related to us, but also killing them in the process.

The imagery of the documentary contains an evolution-denier-style science museum exhibit, sort of natural-historyish, sort of totemic, of stacked sculpted creatures and faces, in a 1950s style. Lots of manilla-colored nameplates.


*Here's a game: Ask whoever you're sleeping with which of the Fellowship you most resemble, if they had to pick.

...and now, a word from our sponsor:
Only 74 copies left via mail order.

I Dared Enter The Ghost Tower And All I Got Was Some Blog Entries

$
0
0
(Part 2 of 3: Previously)

Hello.

Hellooo mortallll (does a "spidery fingers" thing)

Are you still here, Ghost Tower of Inverness?

The Ghost Tower is immortalll hahahahahahahaahhhhhhaaaaaaa.

Yeah ok. So, anyway we've got past the outer ruins and are now into the inner tower of...

THE GHOohoooOOoooooOOoooOSt ToWerRRRRRRrrr of Innnnnverness

Yes. That. So what's first?

Each level follows a subtle thaumaturgic schema. First....Air, then......Earth, then....Fire, then......WATER!

Whoa who could have thought of that? So: Air Level?

Yes, on the air level a sphinx attacks the party from a mist!

Is there, like, a riddle?

No just it hits you.

Ok, then what?

That's all, that's the "air" level.

Do you see this palm I have on my face right now?

Also maybe after that a pteranodon.  Unless it's a tournament.

No pteranodons in tournament mode.

No! And then the Earth Level...

Do you stand on a boulder and someone throws a rock at you?

An overly-muscled monkey suddenly lands on one of your group!

A monkey?

A muscley one! While in trees!

Is that earthy?

Maybe!

Ok.

Then there's a medusa!

Yeah ok, it seems like there'd be a lot of stone over-muscley monkeys in this forest.

You might think.

Especially if it's been there since the age of forever when the peaks were...whatever it said in the intro.

Gird yourself for.....the Fire Level!!!!

Girding for this shit.

There is a looping stone path across an ocean of flame that you must traverse while a flame giant hurls boulders at you and firebats attack. Also there's a reverse-gravity trap in the middle.

Whoa it's like you put all your effort into this one room and then Super Mario just went and stole it out from under you.

Also the stairs behind the giant aren't real stairs and you have to use the anti-gravity well to get up to the next level.

Well that all actually sounds pretty fun.

GhoOoOOOOoOooost ToWwwwerrrrrrRRRRRrrr!

Ok so...

You fall upward into the chimney and appear beneath the waves in tropical surroundings!

So it's, like, just like Super Mario Brothers. And instead of jellyfish there's...

A dinosaur-fish! And the spine-chilling ixitxachitl!
Oh my spine

The evil psionic vampire cleric manta rays?

Those are the ones.

Well it'll keep you busy, I guess.

And then, beyond the xitxachitl lair..

Red turtles?

The wonder of the Soul Gem!!

Wait so there was no ghosts in the ghost tower?

None at all!!!!! Hhahahahahahahhhhaaaa!

Does the Gem fuck with you?

Yes.

How?
Totally random zaps that if they hit you they take your soul.

That's clevNo.

It is also surrounded by a field that inflicts equivalent damage on you as you chip away at it.

That's...kinda...ok. By local standards. I guess.

GhoooooooOOooOOoost ToWWeRRRRrrRRRRRR!

Yeah. Next up: Rewriting this so it doesn't suck.

GHOOOOOST TOWWWWWWWW  ERRRRRRRR!

Yeah, we get it.

Just making sure.

Ok.

Ok.

Bye.

--------

And now, a word from our sponsor:


Gold Ennie Award for Best Writing, Gold for Best Setting, Silver for Best
Adventure, Silver for Product of the Year. Only 65 copies left.



Viewing all 1084 articles
Browse latest View live