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If You Can't Remember The Rules Just Get Them Tattooed On Your Arm

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5th edition armor classes don't line up with AD&D/Labyrinth Lord armor classes, plus I can't remember any of them anyway, so I just had Connie tattoo them both on my forearm.

It's a good solution and I recommend it.

Top to bottom:

Shield
Hide/Leather/Padded
Studded/Chain Shirt
Scale mail
1/2 plate
Chain mail
Splint
Banded
Half plate

The same day, BoingBoing put out an article on the new edition of the game, the article got it mostly right.

There is little doubt* that the new edition of D&D was influenced by that loose group of stalwart players and creators that are part of a trend called The Old School Renaissance. While the OSR has no overarching mission statement, there does seem to be a common thread weaving through the many games, supplements, and home-brew adventures; an attempt to capture a flavor of gaming that emphasizes gonzo adventuring over stiff combat rules and an unabashed love for the literature and myths that inspired the earliest iteration of the game. Nevertheless, D&D 5th is much slicker than anything in the OSR, and the original DIY quality of D&D can probably never again be captured except by those producing third-party materials.

*Extremely little doubt.

The comments, as usual, were weird...
It's 2014 and they still make these.
The actual BoingBoing comments sported a genuine StoryGames supremacist who took the release of the 5th edition of D&D as an excuse to talk about how much objectively better the _____ World games, then got mad when not everyone agreed with him…
Again, it's 2014 and they still make these. Weird.
As it happens, I played Apoc World just a couple days ago because it was resident Cool Story Gamer Shoepixie's birthday and she wanted to.

It was fun, the way these games are if you have good people...
Shoe was doing naked calisthenics, because she thought it would be fun to be doing naked calisthenics.
Someone was trying to make pancakes, because I thought it would be fun if someone was trying to make pancakes.
A 4-eyed snake showed up, because the GM thought it'd be fun for a 4-eyed snake to show up.
We locked it in a derelict van, because I thought it would be fun if we locked it in a derelict van.
It was an ice cream van, because the GM thought it would be fun if it was an ice cream van.
etc.
…if you live in Los Angeles in 2014, making up post-apocalyptic shit is pretty easy.

D&D, as usual, is far crueler--
Kirin--kowtowing to the profound social footprint demanded by this harshest of mistresses came up with these for our Rappan Athuk game:
"Fort Helgar" is our HQ, named after our German wizard--deceased after a battle with a troll (because the dice thought that would be fun).

And I got out some wood glue and stuck some dungeon tiles on some leftover shelf bits because I was thinking it might be nice to have a sort of second smaller table to stick on top of our actual table so that there'd be more room for snacks.

…actually there are good Call of Cthulhu miniatures

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So I was looking up amazing granny/cop/dollhousemaker Frances Glessner Lee (who is fucking amazing and there's a book about her).
"They were each dressed accurately down to the underwear."

"People take them as seriously as any other crime scene," said Dr. David R. Fowler, the current chief medical examiner for Maryland. "I've never seen anybody make jokes because of the degree of intricacy and detail. The quality is stunning. I have never seen any computer-generated programs that even come close."

" Her works are studied to this day across the nation in the field."

…and I stumbled across the generally pretty neat Gallery O blog which is just a blog of different artist who make tiny stuff.

Like Lori Nix:


…and Mark Giai Miniet

So that's all cool.

In other itty-bitty news, Sandy Peterson, original author of Call of Cthulhu, has a game called "Cthulhu Wars" out and I know nothing about it but the motherfucking miniatures for it are motherfucking incredible:





…not to mention big.
These are the coolest monsters I've seen since Kingdom Death…

Art History For D&D People, Course Overview

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I don't really do that many sweeping survey posts about art even though art's my job because whenever I say something like "Oh yeah, Franz Hals fuck him" someone in the comments always leaves some long thoughtful comment about their relationship to Franz Hals and it makes me forget that like that leaves 2,999 other regular blog readers having no idea what we're talking about.

But then Jez Gordon was like "Who's Egon Schiele?" and was like ok that's weird because clearly the artistic lineage there is:

Jez Gordon ---(influenced by)----> Late Frank Miller ----(influenced by) ----> Mid-era Bill Sienkiewicz ---(influenced by)----> Egon Schiele

...and so if one of the best emerging illustrators in the DIY D&D scene doesn't know his roots, then what about everybody else?

Plus it'll be fun. I like looking at pictures and I like thinking about pictures.

So I'm guessing/hoping this'll be a series of posts. I'm gonna just lay out here how I am thinking I'll organize the entries. I may not do them in order.
Ancient Art:
Blasphemous Things You Find In A Cave
Subheadings:
3000 years of China Being Way Ahead of Everyone
Finnish Sculpture Paints That Culture As A Frozen Sinkhole Of Goggle-Eyed Madmen
Egypt: Not Always Boring
Meso-America: Let's Stack Things!
Greece And Rome: zzzzzzzzz

Medieval European Art:
Beyond Things With Weird Necks

Indian & Middle-Eastern Art of the Middle Ages:
Imposing a Sense of Bejewelled And Labyrinthine
Order On Every Fucking Thing

The Northern Renaissance & The International Style:
Way Better Than That Other Renaissance They Taught
You About In School
Painting & Printmaking in China and Japan:
Mountains, Mist, Nightmarish Tentacle-Porn
Precursor Things
Post-Renaissance But Pre-Modern Europe:
Guys Holding Swords They Probably Won't Use
Wood, Water, and Wire:
The Art That Freaked Colonialists Out
Decadent Art of the Call of Cthulhu Era:
Please Nobody Tell Wundergeek Europe Exists
Symbolism, Surrealism and Other
Products of Drug Abuse


Every Good Early Illustrator I Can Think Of:
A.K.A. The Post That Other DIY D&D People
Have Probably Already Done Better Than
Me But I Should Probably Do Anyway
Fine Art After WW2:
Actually, You Do Like Modern Art, It's Just
They Don't Want You To Know Tha
t

Ancient Art Is Basically Monsters

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Many basic prejudices in the way art history is taught date back to when Giorgio Vasari invented the discipline, and one of the most consistent and least discussed is a prejudice against monsters.

The first sculpture you are typically shown in an art history class is the Venus of Willendorf--which is a lady--and the first paintings are the Lascaux cave paintings--which are some deer and some dudes.

These things are explicable. You can look at these images for a very dull three seconds and your teacher can very quickly move on to talking about what art history teachers love to talk about: any subject other than art. The Venus lets you talk about standards of beauty, fertility cults, matriarchal society, stone technology, the Lascaux paintings let you talk about hunting, shamanism, cave-dwelling, realism. Anything but what the goddamn things look like, which isn't much.

Art historians have always loved to talk about humanity--personalities and sociologies--which is a shame because throughout history many of the best artists were interested in something much less- and almost literally un- discussable: the unknown. Our ancestors who made art dedicated a vast quantity of that effort to monsters--hideous confabulated creatures that never existed anywhere but in the object that incarnates them.

It'd be overselling it to say the history of art is a history of monsters, but it is entirely accurate to say a history of monsters is a history of art.

Monsters have a specific interest to art theory outside RPG aesthetics: they are things that are made of (and only of) the medium that describes them. Like: a Lascaux horse is representation of a thing out there--a real horse. Whereas this:
(This is from Greenland.)

…is only this. It has no "real appearance" outside the ivory describing it. The artist themself might even think it is only a crude representation of a real thing that's out there, but there is no thing out there to check it against. In this way, monster art is actually closer to abstract art than it is to art representing animals and people. It goes where the mind does--like monsters do.

Monster art is thus uniquely psychological--in a way the more dutiful kinds of art have a tough time being.

Though even when not making monsters, our earliest artists had a beautiful knack of making everything look fucked up:
The traditional interpretation of this kind of art tends to basically be: inside every ancient artist is a little Italian Renaissance artist struggling to get out, very slowly. Do we have perspective yet? Do we have proper proportions yet? Are we doing individual people yet?

A more expressionist interpretation would be: look at that Sami sculpture on the far right. It's saying something already now. Something unique to it, like FUUUUCK I LIVE ON AN ICE PLANET AND I AM STARING AT THE SKY SCRAPING A ROCK WITH ANOTHER ROCK BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK ELSE AM I GOING TO DO?

You never know what tribal and traditional art is supposed to be saying--and so it isn't discussed much--but what we here now feel it saying is just as important, or more. After all: that's what's actually happening now to you.

This is art by people who were at level of constant contact with their world (animals, weather, mud) that most of us can barely imagine and yet knew very little about the world (why animals? why weather? why mud?). A great deal of the art was guesses about the forces that dominated the world--attempts to assess it. They knew this: it was other and scary.

Our monsters now (virus zombie, berserk robot) tend to be errors in the natural order. Their monsters were the natural order.

Much of art history before modernism is a record of increasing realism and decreasing emotion. At least when we look at it with our 21st century eyes. The mainline of self-conscious art in China, Japan, India and Europe wouldn't have anyone as crazy as that guy on the far right for thousands of years.

Here are some more Cthulhoids from the Sami (the people from the extreme north of Scandinavia, sometimes called the Lapps):
There is a very special effect in this kind of art: I need to tell you a very specific thing and you will never know what it is.  These are the kinds of images from which pictograms and then written language sprang. It is like someone looking right into your eyes and repeating a sentence over and over in a language you don't know, with emphasis:
E'th'et Kaana F'Vor Est Ina.
E'th'et Kaana F'Vor Est Ina!
E'th'et Kaana F'Vor Est In-a!!!
…the actual ability to communicate is stunted but the intensity and particularity is what gives it power. Like: what is that long-legged doghead monster on the bottom right? Why does it have two rectangles sticking out of its back? What do all these other things going on have to do with it?

We don't know--and in that not knowing there is a wonderful freedom to just enjoy it. It is permanently exotic to us.

The earliest art of almost every part of the world is:
-similar
and
-monstrous.

…and there are still cultures and artists that were producing work very much in this vein up until the 20th century--like the Greenland Inuit:



Here's a thing about ancient art:
It's fucking nuts. Artist historians and archaeologists go through and try to pick out repeated features and iconographies but what's more striking is how much stuff is just out of nowhere. Weird shapes or ways of assembling things that appear once or twice and disappear--seemingly unconnected to anything else before or since, like discarded mutations. All the bullshit about ancient aliens comes from how fucked this art is.

Let's take a look...

You can watch regional styles develop over the centuries--the looping animal motifs in Scythian art is remarkably consistent regardless of the medium:
One of the earliest tattoos--there are stags in there

The spur of the tattoo on the left appears to be a  hoof
Scythian stonework 
…however this is unusual: in most cases you can see the shapes in the art being formed by the materials the art is executed in. Does that mean the shapes in the stonework (and metalwork later) were derived from tattoo shapes? Hard to tell--the record of tattoos is frustratingly fragmentary: we occasionally get a glimpse of something unbelievably intricate and then nothing for thousands of years. There's a whole history of drawing there that's completely lost.

Here are some Serbian river gods from Lepenski Vir, carved from cobbles. The one on the far right looks particularly freaked out at being graven in stone...

Nobody in Italian Renaissance, Mannerist, Neoclassical, Pre-Raphaelite, Baroque, Roccocco or Impressionist art ever looks that freaked out. 

China, like I mentioned a few days ago, was always way ahead of everyone as this jade pig-dragon proves:

 …although this piece of Iranian proto-elamite silverwork, dating from 3000 BC is by far the most sophisticated thing going for a few hundred years:

While nobody knows what it is or means or who the bull is supposed to be, it points up a recurring theme in ancient art: almost everybody was better at making animals than people.

We all know what people in Egyptian art look like--they look the same for like 3000 years. The Egyptians produced what appears to be the most consistently conservative visual culture in human history. The animals, on the other hand, are generally more sensitive, dynamic, realistic and evocative:

Even sitting still, the back legs suggest the animal could spring forward at any second.

While nobody can know why this is, I have a pet theory. There are rules for depicting people--even today the way people are depicted is a subject of great debate among the ruling and scholarly classes. There are right ways and wrong ways to depict people--the depictions have conventions and rights and wrongs and get tied up with religious, hierarchical, and social codes. In Egypt the codes for depicting people were so strict that when, during the reign of Akhenaten, the codes were briefly relaxed, you can actually see a torrent of totally new styles emerge at shocking speed (and then disappear when the Akhenaten's reign ends). It is true that in some Islamic societies, depicting people was outright forbidden. The human figure is a locus of anxiety--so each culture tends, after a few thousand years, to find a way to depict people and then sticks to it.

Which is not to say these codified ways are universally boring--the Mehrgarh people of the Indus Valley (in modern day Pakistan) decided people looked like oozing freaks:

Anyone whose ever rolled and coiled Play-Doh can see where the characteristic shapes of Mehrgarh terracotta came from.

Japan's earliest consistent and identifiable culture--the Jomon--seem to have developed these distinctive and fantastically stylized figures by deriving human shapes from jug or water-vessel shapes:

China, meanwhile, was deep into bronze--and they already had dynasties and shit with Kings with actual names and stuff, like the Shang and Zhou. Bronze is a big deal, and very flexible. One way to tell early Chinese artifacts apart from Mesoamerican ones are the thin, tapering lines--like on the bottom of the handle of this zoomorphic jug:

 …or on this elephant's trunk:
 …bronze will hold its shape even with these tenuous lines, unlike stone or wood which would snap right off if it was that thin.

Linear complexity is a knock-on effect of the hardness of the material you're using.  If elves were using mithril, that explains those scrolling 19th-century shapes they've got worked into their arms and armor.
…which is not to say mesoamerica wasn't making anything good. In fact, for variety of materials and morphologies (including in the people) it's hard to beat mesoamerican stuff:

This is Coatlique--she has 2 snake heads

Jade masks from Mexico

That nose and those fingers look like nothing else you'll see--
if you find a museum with Colombian or Peruvian art in it
I guarantee you'll see something totally out of left field every
few minutes.

Bat monster
Meanwhile, the Celts were largely ignoring people and developing a mania for linework that wouldn't stop til after Aubrey Beardsley…

And, yeah, there was ancient Greece and Rome. Greek art is generally broken into 4 periods:
Geometric (stiff people with triangle bodies), Archaic (endlessly repeated sculptures of little boys with wavy hair and dumb eyes), Classical (Venus De Milo and whatnot) and Hellenistic. The Hellenistic is the only good one--this was the period where the skills developed during the Classical era were used to present subjects with far more intensity. Here's an old woman:
Even then, the majority of it is pretty stiff--especially compared to what folks like Michaelangelo,  Bernini and Houdon would do with the whole Realism-In-Marble thing hundreds of years later.

The Paracas Culture on the other hand, was having crazy fun:

click to enlarge the madness
You'll notice it looks like pixel art--that's because it essentially is--in needlework, each area is a dot of color. These figures were assembled color by color, square by square.
The Zapotec made some fucking intense monsters--the stone-born simplicity of the constituent shapes makes them far scarier than their curlicued Chinese equivalents.

There's something very modern about the way pre-Columbian cultures just let the materials be the materials--letting the form emerge out of the shapes, colors and textures the images are made from:




This blue nosed guy is apparently a "functionary". It's all very Tekumel: a clearly complicated society, but one with rules and codes we can't begin to guess.
Click on that and enlarge it--that rabbit at the bottom could've been drawn yesterday. And the complexity of the visual space with those stacked floors and ceilings is pretty dungeony.

This is also the period where the largest artworks in the world were made: the mysterious Nazca drawings of animals--only legible from the air. However, there were other giant earth drawings--my favorite is the Atacama Giant from Argentina:

You'll notice African stuff is conspicuous by its absence from this entry (also the art of Oceania, Australia, America, and Southeast Asia)--this is because the majority of the most interesting work was made in wood--which doesn't last long. Because of that, most of the best examples of African art are actually from the past two centuries--the compelling Nok head above being a relatively rare exception. We'll take a look at it later.

Medieval Art: 1000 Years Of Bad Ideas

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The highlights of art history, as usually taught, go:

1. Egypt
2. Greece and Rome
3. the Renaissance
4. the mainline of Western painting (Caravaggio, Rembrandt, etc)
5. Modernism

…this offers a pretty easy-to-follow story: from humble beginnings, realism steadily increases until (around 5) photography is invented, history ends, art explodes with Picasso-shaped fireworks, and here we are now and we can just watch movies instead.

It's also taught this way for another reason: the cultures involved represent a simple history of improving ideas. Egypt is a tyranny, but it is undoubtedly a civilization--it has laws and stuff, it's well-documented and explicable. Then we have Greece and Rome where we have democracy (occasionally) and individuality and philosophy and all that. Then the Renaissance with humanism, and then the Enlightenment, which leads (via a familiar paper-trail) to the wonderful now. It's not that all of history was great, but it was at least necessary. This is a very complacent philosophy: Everything's fine now, right? It's that way because of millennia of refinement.
Meaux Cathedral gargoyle
Seen this way it's pretty clear why you'd leave the Middle Ages out: in this story they can only be seen as a terrible thousand-year-long detour on the way from stateless barbarism to equality, science, and safety.
Gargoyles are so distinctive a form that even though
they're just carved images of demons, in D&D & other games they're actually
their own class of monster
And I would submit that this is why we like them so much. Nothing is so much fun to play in as a ruin. And the more sophisticated the culture that produced the building in the first place, the more fun it is to fuck around in the fucked-up shell of it. This is why we find post-apocalypses fascinating to play in, too. Games offer the imagination all of the exoticism and none of the consequences. This is why the Renaissance Fair always ends up skewing Medieval.
Case in point: This isn't Medieval at all. The flowing lines and naturalistic ear give this away
as being, like many famous gargoyles,  a product of
the 19th century Gothic Revival. The Gothic keeps getting revived for
a reason.

Unlike the oldest eras, The Middle Ages have a great many markers of civilization in abundance: writing, fortresses, machines, churches, philosophies, domesticated animals, politics, steel, towns, cities. But unlike the Renaissance, they're using them all wrong. And that's amazing.
This is the Moneymusk Reliquary. That tracery lets you know its
from Scotland or Ireland. Reliquaries are special expensive boxes
to keep the body parts of saints in. This is a dumb idea.
Since this isn't my first D&D blogging rodeo I will now pause to acknowledge the amateur and professional historians in the first row with their hands in the air straining to point out two things:

1. There was actually a great deal of intellectual and technological progress made in the Middle Ages,
and
2. Several of the tropes we associate with D&D and the traditional "fantasy" era are actually more Renaissance or Age of Exploration than strictly Medieval.
Another dumb reliquary.

Well that doesn't matter: we're talking about how people view history, not how it is. And in our minds we associate the Middle Ages with warfare and superstition. And warfare and superstition is fighters and magic-users. And those things are fun.

Lindisfarne Gospels.
Some Irish monk spent all this time painting ("illuminating")
this one page of a copy of the bible. Like as if they had
nothing better to do.

If we view the history of art as a history of philosophy (that is: a search for truth) then the Middle Ages are meaningless. If we view the history of art as a history of the imagination (that is: a history of human emotions and inventions) then the Middle Ages are absolutely essential to who we are today. Few people in any walk of life even now go longer than a week without using a word like "king" or "knight" or "witch" or "wizard" or "demon" and the very linguistically convenient concepts they encapsulate.
Painting in the Middle Ages raised the pattern established in ancient art of
"animals drawn well and lots of ways, people drawn poorly and always the same"
to the level of a fetish.
Even today, the stupidest members of the RPG community think of art as serving philosophy--likely due to not knowing what imagination is.
The entrance to Hell (dumb idea) was frequently depicted as
being a big mouth called…a 'hellmouth'.
And, yes, it says 'penis'.
Nothing guarantees tourism like a castle or a cathedral--and yet few buildings incarnate such stupid ideas. You don't need a castle unless you've created a social order based around petty tyrants living in constant fear of each other--and you don't need a cathedral unless you decided to waste all your stone and cash and several generations of your able-bodied men building a stylish antenna to talk to a ghost. These are awful, beautiful things. These are Fleurs Du Mal.
Classic Greek column capitals are divided into three orders:
Doric, Ionic and Corinthian. All of which are a subset of
the Not As Cool As These order.

No matter what was actually going on in the hearts and days of the millions of Europeans that lived and died after the influence of Rome abated and before the Renaissance reached them, what we see in the art--in the best of it anyway--is bad ideas. Bad ideas made beautiful and touching and compelling by effort, by intensity of belief, by invention.
The Roettgen Pieta
…and by the (stupid) idea that things needed to be artified--to glorify a god or a duke. Any object was a possible site of aestheticization. The craft ethic has probably never reached a greater height in Western civilization than in the Middle Ages--not only because it was the last time there wasn't much division between high art and useful craft, but also because being crafty was one of the few ways to avoid dying face down in a pig ditch before you lost all your baby teeth.
Ivory chess pieces from different sets.
And--by no coincidence at all--the category of "the fantastic" is about bad ideas. Otherwise the ideas wouldn't be called "fantastic" they'd be called "true". Fantasy is literally all about received ideas that we, by definition, no longer believe and threw out. There is no magic, there is nothing special about kings or clerics, the world isn't made of four elements, people aren't made of four humours, there's no such thing as a whole race being evil, Jews don't have horns. Signing up for the "the fantastic" is putting a sign on the door saying "Everything you're about to hear is bullshit". So policing the implications of fantasy is stupid: every idea in fantasy is awful.  Anyone mistaking any of it for philosophy is in desperate need of a parent or a psychiatrist.
I've told this story on the blog before:
The first time I saw this in the Met it was labeled "St George
Chesspiece". I asked, in an essay, "if St George is
your knight, what the hell does the rest
of the chess set look like? Is it all saints? Is your
king Jesus? It's either not St George or not a
chess piece." My teacher worked in the Met.
The next time I saw it, it was re-labeled.
Here's an interesting thing about Medieval art and our modern concept of The Fantastic:

We know for a fact that, for example, Dante Alighieri was genuinely a religious man. He would likely feel really bad--blasphemous, in fact--if he got the details of what Hell was like wrong. And Jesus fuck he had a lotta details.
Again: Monsters done well. People done poorly.
So what did he go on? Research? So far as we know: not really. He was something of a numerologist, but basically there are details of stuff in there that are obviously original to Dante. So was he like "Fuck it, I'll make something up, God won't notice. It's not like he sees all and knows all, right?"?
This is Scandinavian knotwork on this staff-end,
it's chunkier than Celtic tracery
Viking chest

No: here's what he and thousands of Medieval Christian artists probably thought "If I'm having this idea, it's probably because God gave it to me". Which is marvellous, as terrible ideas go: If you get an art idea, it's because you should get it.
Hey guys, lets make folding Marys!
God tell you to do that?
Yup.
Alright. On it.
This is the world your players' D&D characters live in--even moreso than genuine Medieval people because your party has daily reminders of divine power in the form of the party cleric.

Everything, even a new thing, belongs. Something higher has ordained it. Mallory, Wagner and Tolkien mined the echoes of this idea very hard: everything, even the pettiest handicraft, even the pies and mutton, is mythic. Everything is, was and always will be basically this way. The only "future" (conceived as a time when things in general look different than they do now) is apocalyptic.
This is a strange psychoaesthetic trick: portraying the Middle Ages--which is actually a very distinct moment in the development of politics and technology on a very specific continent--as a sort of platonic eternal. It seems very natural to us, but it takes a certain kind of sleight of hand to look at something as complex and specific and historical as, say, a crossbow, and read it as a weapon in a mythic conflict. You couldn't imagine a fairy tale with an arquebus in it.
We don't know whether people back
then thought this guy looked funny.
But they might've: Chess is less
important than God, so the
chess piece carvers had a
freer hand. 
If the Lord meant for me to not Hobo and thence to Murder why would he put the idea in my head?

More Irish graphomania--
The Book of Kells
Hey let's keep water in a lion!
Alright.
These shaped jugs are called "aquamaniles"
Often these unimportant domestic objects are
the most interesting. Art historians hate that.
The Tara Brooch. More insane Irish intricacy. This was before
whiskey had come to the Isles.
Perrecy-Les-Forges
Bishop's grave

The Other Renaissance, or There Is No Ninja Turtle Named Claus Sluter

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(Fourth in a series about D&Dish art)

"With a few exceptions, however, Vasari's aesthetic judgement was acute and unbiased.[citation needed]"
-Wikipedia
St Anthony from Grunewald's Isenheim Altarpiece. Why did no-one
ever tell you that art was totally fucking Warhammer?
Because Vasari, that's why.

In the crime novel "Who Killed Everyone's Interest In Art History?" the villain is a man named Giorgio Vasari. However, he also invented art history and did a great deal of the groundwork for the whole rhetorical and social frame that makes us see "art" as a special thing that people do that we should talk about at all. As a working painter whose rent is paid by the continuing mercantile machinations of the international gallery system, I just may owe him my job.
I repeat: this man did not want you to hear about this
giant bludgeoning eagle monster.

Vasari's major work was called "Lives of the Most Excellent Painters, Sculptors, and Architects" and it:

-Was published in 1550
-Invented art history
-First applied the specific term "Renaissance" to what was going on in Italy then
-Helped put Leonardo, Raphael, and Michelangelo on the pedestals they currently occupy
-Has an amusing anecdote about Paolo Uccello and cheese
-Contains a lot of mistakes
-Is fun to read
-Was kind of a piece of pro-Florentine propaganda

"Paolo Uccello would have been the most gracious and fanciful genius that was ever devoted to the art of painting, from Giotto's day to our own, if he had labored as much at figures and animals as he labored and lost time over the details of perspective; for although these are ingenious and beautiful, yet if a man pursues them beyond measure he does nothing but waste his time, exhausts his powers, fills his mind with difficulties, and often transforms its fertility and readiness into sterility and constraint, and renders his manner, by attending more to these details than to figures, dry and angular, which all comes from a wish to examine things too minutely; not to mention that very often he becomes solitary, eccentric, melancholy, and poor, as did Paolo Uccello."
--Vasari

A deposition by Rogier Van Der Weyden
The Italian Renaissance was big on painting baby Jesus.
the Northern Renaissance was big on painting dead Jesus
Although much of what he did was simply record ideas people had already had for a while, the shadow created by Vasari's record is very long. Thales invented philosophy, but people don't still think everything is made of water. Vasari invented art history, and people do still think the Mona Lisa is the best painting ever. There are even people who don't like looking at the Mona Lisa and yet feel like it's still objectively "good" in some way they lack the expertise to describe. There are very intelligent and perceptive people all over the world who are intimidated into not trusting their own eyes when they look at art because of things he wrote 500 years ago. Vasari is the most successful One True Wayist in world history.
Rabbit by Albrecht Durer, or--as Vasari called him in
Lives of the Most Excellent Painters, Sculptors, and Architects--
"Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Book"

Part of the Italian Renaissance painters' continued pre-eminence is due to the early (if halting and uneven) adoption of innovative realist techniques like perspective, chiaroscuro, sfumato, careful anatomy, and the not-inconsiderable fact that the cities they built are, to this day, still very beautiful due to the influence of their Renaissance buildings--but part of it's just politics and luck.

Let's assume, despite 500 years of evidence to the contrary, for just one moment that pictures actually can speak louder than Vasari's words, :

Here is Michelangelo's Moses done circa 1513-1515
And here is Claus Sluter's Moses, done over a hundred years earlier:
Whatever else you might think, Sluter's wise and horned Jew is way more metal than Michelangelo's.

This is because while the Italian Renaissance was largely a reaction against the symbolism, suffering, and icy clarity of the International Gothic style (the tail-end of Medieval art), the Northern Renaissance was largely just a continuation of the International Gothic with more sophisticated techniques.  I mean no disrespect to the draftsmanship of Leonardo or the many magnificent sculptures of Michelangelo when I say no matter what else you think of Italian Renaissance aesthetics, these were still people who looked at Gothic cathedrals and didn't like them.
Jean Fouquet
The great change in Italy was not so much in improved technique (which had been slowly evolving all over the continent since 1300 ) but in taste--and after 1000 years of fear of an angry god, the new Italian sensibility--where Mary was all Disney and round and friendly and held our savior like a radiant and fleshy bowling ball--was the hip new thing.
By the Limbourg Brothers, pre-eminent purveyors
of the International Gothic 
One of the themes of religious painting in the Italian Renaissance was the abandonment of symbolism and detail in favor of humanistic and sentimental themes. This would result in a lull--or at least recategorization--in monsters in art in the following centuries. They typically were pushed into service as foes in mythological paintings, and also made their way into natural history illustrations.
Michael Pacher, Austrian. This painting could be titled
"Bizarre Northern Renaissance Foreground Event
Intrudes On Otherwise Pleasant Italian Renaissance Day"
Reliably D&Dable subjects around this time include St George:
Rogier Van Der Weyden. Totally not giving a fuck
how big you think a horse's head is and putting
an awesome castle on a weird crag because he
fucking can.
Crivelli
Carpaccio. And definitely click to enlarge.
...the Expulsion from Heaven…
Pieter Breugel's Fall of the Rebel Angels


(detail) He'd been specifically commissioned to imitate Bosch
in this painting.

…and the Temptation of St Anthony--who is always depicted as set upon by weird demons:
Schongauer
Good old Hieronymous Bosch
Close up. Because: Death With A Lyre On A Freak Emerging From A Tomato
The Temptation of Anthony theme is itself something of a shibboleth in the unending Western culture war of Art as Excuse To Bore People with Sweetness & Light vs Art As Awesome Inventive Freakshow. The Nazis actually declared Grunewald's Anthony-depicting Isenheim Altarpiece"Degenerate" in their era for being too badass and when Gustave Flaubert fathered all the worst tendencies in the modern novel with Madame Bovary it was because a pair of his boring friends had just heard him read his mind-blowingly hallucinatory Temptation of St Anthony ("Since then I have dwelt in the deep pools left by the Deluge. But the desert grows vaster about them; the winds cast sand into them; the sun devours them; -- and I die upon my couch of slime, gazing at the stars through the water.") and promptly told him to write something boring instead.

So anyway, the upshot for D&D fans is that the Northern Renaissance with its twin and opposing manias for precision and invention is basically the best treasure trove of "What This Thing Actually Looks Like" art outside of purpose-built modern fantasy illustration (much of which is consciously or unconsciously influenced by the art of this era) I mean, check it:
Durer, man, Durer.
…and, likewise, the sort of colored-light-blurriness and ritual vagueness and weightlessness of corporate fantasy illustration is derived from hazy recollections of the Italian Renaissance.

In the end, though, quality knows no real borders. Here's Nicola Pisano being awesome:
…and, y'know, this thing Michelangelo did is pretty good...
That is a seriously dead guy right there--and it's achieved not with blood-spray theatrics but rather with minute attention to positioning--the way Christ's body lays is not just believable (a little more believable than Van Der Weyden's deposition above) but it uses that new believability to push forward to being articulate--it is a pose that tells you at every moment (the armpit, the upper arm, the wrist, the knees) where the weight is going. It reminds you of death in a new way that art--all the skulls and twisted faces of the previous millennia notwithstanding--had not yet been able to do. It puts a new tool in everyone's toolkit going forward.

And, god, we haven't even got to Jan Van Eyck yet:
click and enlarge you fool
Look at that NPC. Look at his very specific face. Look at that floor--isn't cool someone had that floor back then? Look at that rug. Look at that armor. 

Alright. See you next time.

Secrets of an Eminently D&Dable Subcontinent

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Fifth in a series about D&Dables in Art History 

The best of Indian art generally falls into three broad categories, each with their own fairly distinct aura:

First, there's folk art--

These are objects in all media and a bewildering range of styles made all over India because someone, somewhere felt like it.

Here's a drawing somebody did of some guys hitting each other:

…it matches no other style on the continent or, really anywhere else.

Similarly, these look like they could've been made on any planet so long as it wasn't ours:
Earring or Iron Golem?


Different as the earrings and the abstract dudes fighting, they have a certain set of qualities--densely composed, vivacious, playful, curvy--which come out in a lot of the other art of the subcontinent.


The second category is richly decorated luxury objects…

This is an elephant goad and an amazing piece of sculpture. Enlarging it lets you see how the whole thing is hollow, plus all the dozens of different animal shapes worked in. While Western art basically went up to the Medieval period with the weird monster art and then took a long breather to try to figure out how to make people, India just kept going with the monsters, making ever more refined, inventive and insane zoomorphic and teratomorphic shapes and giving them new things to do.

Indian miniature painting fits firmly inside the "decorated luxury object" category--for the most part--and the figures writhe and settle along the hills and plains of the paintings in much the same way the creatures sidle into the curves of that elephant hook.

Ustad Mansur was the star animal painter at the court of the Mughal Emperor Jahangir, he made one of my favorite paintings of all time:
I love this fucking painting. It is unbelievably charming.
See the butterfly? The chameleon's totally gonna eat that butterfly.
There's an adventure hook in there somewhere: yes, the party needs to find a chimera and get it back to the imperial zoo, but then someone has to paint it so-- in case it dies--they can send another party out to get another one just like it.

The Mughals were an Islamic dynasty and Indian painting during this time is very similar to Persian miniature painting (about which more later). These kinds of paintings have something of the design sense of east Asian painting while still having something of the very European desire to get everything in and get everything right.

A Chinese painter would've more ruthless subordinated the branches, animals and leaves to an overall design so the whole picture looked like it was one elegant gesture while a Western painter of the same period probably would've tried to make the chameleon look as much like an observed chameleon really sitting on a branch as their technical skill would allow while also trying to make the composition look like it all just happened to be that way (but covertly fitting it into a cross or a triangle or some other eye-pleasing organization of shapes). This painting is a third thing: the curve of the branch and tail are obviously the way they are for the convenience of the image, but each object's texture and color has been rendered carefully and independently, with no desire to "push" any of the elements back in order to create a unified whole. Each object is its own thing, and can be examined separately or as part of a pattern.


This lion works much the same way: the head is done in a sort of bulbous style reminiscent of Chinese lions but then the mane is done totally differently in layers of fine-lined hair, then the torso is done in a highly stylized, muscular way and the tail could've been snipped off the chameleon. A single animal is conceived as a collage of differently patterned and decorated parts (which, if you read old naturalists' and fabulists' descriptions of new animals, is how they're described in words).
Lanterns generally echo their cultures' architecture in miniature and this very Taj Mahally one's no exception.
They made a pig cannon. Awesome.

Persian and Mughal paintings often have neat architectural
perspective tricks. Enlarge this painting, save it, add a few numbers and you've
got a complete dungeon, with a tower and animals and
even NPCs--note the couple in western dress on
the far right getting married.

Emperor Jahangir's friend Imayat Khan was wasting away from
opium addiction so the emperor was like, Better have somebody
paint him c. 1618
Notice the way the withered addict-flesh is treated as just one more color and one more texture in the arrangement.
Mughal miniature paintings are very video-gamey in both the way they use space and the way they use color and pattern to differentiate figures from each other. It's a really good format for illustration-as-diagram style pictures or things with hidden clues.

This is a chair-leg. It's typically Indian that, even detached
from the whole, it's still a sculpture in itself.


Third, There's Temple and Religious Sculpture

I don't plan on doing too much architecture in this series because if I did we'd be here all day but I'd feel remiss if I didn't at least show a little Indian stone temple architecture because these things are mind-blowing and there is an off-chance someone doesn't know that:
Lingaraja Temple. Holy fuck.
C. 1100
Anyway, these dungeony temples were (and sometimes still are) filled with utterly dungeony sculptures...



The guy above is actually Buddhist--it's Manjuvajra Mandala, who is an esoteric form of Manjushri, the Bodhisattva of Transcendent Wisdom. Or so I'm told. A lot of sculpture from the Pala period (8th-12 c) is done in this kind of black soapstone--I always wondered if Giger looked at a lot of this stuff.
Sometimes you'll see the same face ten or twenty times in a row on human-faced deities but figuring out how to do Ganesh's face and big belly often pushes artists to try something new.

Srirangam Temple. These date from the Vijayanagara period (1336–1565)--again there's that Gigerish, almost unfollowable, density of shapes.

The eyes on suave Ganesh here stand in contrast to the inquisitive slits on the previous Ganesh, and the pose is more naturalistic than symbolic.

Lions from Kailasanath, 750-850 AD. Asia in general was pretty confused about what lions looked like for a shockingly long time. But, then, if every time you saw something it was trying to kill you you'd probably have a sketchy time describing it, too. And when everyone's confused art wins, so I'm not complaining.
This sandstone apsara (sexy female nature spirit, see also yakshi), known as the Dancing Celestial was made in the 12th century in Uttar Pradesh and is at the Met...
…her pose is known as the tribhanga (or 'three bends') and is pretty common in Indian sculpture and dance. It's kind of the less douchey, more fun-loving version of Greek art's contrapposto pose. Tribhanga's like Oh My God I Love This Song and Contrapposto's all Oh, That's Cool, I Used To Like This When I Was In High School I'll Be Over Here In The Corner Hoping Everyone Notices My Hair.
Now click this and enlarge it:
This is Durga killing Mahisha--a buffalo demon--from the Pala Period. There are a million cool things about it, but three of the less obvious ones are:
-it's tiny--shorter than your hand with fingers extended
-Durga has, among other weapons, a chakram, which is like a murder-Aerobie
-the way Durga has decapitated the bull (very cleanly) and the head is just sitting there and she is just literally yanking the demon right out of its neck.
Whoever made that would've had a very promising career at Forge World had they been born in our century.
This is Chamunda, 8th century. Speaks for itself, really.

And this is an Indian stepwell, which has nothing to do with anything but is worth noting as probably the most D&D-looking place ever:


The World That Fit In Scheherezade's Head

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Part six in a series on D&Dables in art history
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"I find herein a wonderful beauty," he told Pandelume. "This is no science, this is art, where equations fall away to elements like resolving chords, and where always prevails a symmetry either explicit or multiplex, but always of a crystalline serenity."
--Tales of the Dying Earth, Jack Vance
Royal Mosque, Isfahan, 17th century.
The little niches are called muqarnas

"Decorative" is a loaded word in art history, and--considering what art actually is--is hard to define. It has something to do with there being more colors and shapes going on than ideas (and stands on the opposite side of the tightrope from another vague and loaded word--"illustration"--which suggests an image where there's nothing but ideas going on).
19th C. Mughal Qur'an--from Iran or India
Great Mosque, Damascus c. 715 
Drawing a clean distinction between what's "decorative" and what isn't is hard because different viewers are going to have different notions about how many ideas they're looking at in any given object. I, for one, am not sure I've seen anything "purely decorative"in my life.
Samanid bowl with calligraphy, 10th century but looking somehow very modern.
Another one. There are lots of types of Islamic calligraphy--this long geometric
kind is called kufic script, it's fairly common.

The problem is pushed to the foreground with the art of the Islamic world because--depending how you look at it--either it's almost all decorative or none of it is. Or maybe everything religious isn't and everything that isn't religious is--even when they're done by the same artist in almost the same style. Or something. It's hard to say and better, probably, to just look.
Incense burner, Egypt, 8th-9th C.
While the Western tradition addressed ideas mostly through illustration and story ("here's St George killing a dragon") in the various Islamic civilizations a different creative direction took hold.

Part of this has to do with religious injunctions against depicting things. The precise rules are different depending where you are and who you ask--sometimes its a rule about depicting just the Prophet, sometimes it's a rule about depicting people, sometimes it's a rule about depicting any living thing, sometimes it's a rule about depicting any real living thing. I'm no expert on the rules, though I do remember in school seeing one Persian manuscript where a later owner had gone through and painted a black line through the neck of every person in the manuscript.
Wonderfully enigmatic image of the Prophet looking at
a David Lynch box. 1222. The veiled face is one
convention adopted to avoid depicting him.

Point is: the most common way to express stories and ideas was through calligraphy. Taking the overt content--words--and imparting beauty and perhaps new shades of meaning to them by how they were written.
Blue Qur'an--North Africa, 9th-10th C.
Mamluk-era Qur'an

Both the line and the ethic of calligraphy (take a known and legible thing, beautify it with strict attention to geometry and proportion) influenced every single other art form in the culture. The mosques often have calligraphy worked into the reliefs, the paintings have a pictograph-like line, the metalwork is done in dense script-like meshes of vegetal designs.
Ince Manare madrasa, Konya, Turkey, 1258. That's a knotted
prayer running up the front of the building.

Here's what I particularly like about this from a D&D perspective. Consider Jack Vance's Dying Earthas quoted by Jeff:

Turjan found a musty portfolio, turned the heavy pages to the spell the Sage had shown him, the Call to the Violet Cloud. He stared down at the characters and they burned with an urgent power, pressing off the page as if frantic to leave the dark solitude of the book.

Turjan closed the book, forcing the spell back into oblivion. [...] Then he sat down and from a journal chose the spells he would take with him. What dangers he might meet he could not know, so he selected three spells of general application: the Excellent Prismatic Spray, Phandaal's Mantle of Stealth, and the Spell of the Slow Hour.

And consider Jeff's comment here: Spells are almost alive with power. Memorizing a spell is kinda like putting a demon in your head. Something similar could be said of a prayer--a prayer is putting a spark of the divine in your head--or into whatever you're painting it on or carving it into.
Amulet case--10th-11th C.
The black stuff is a compound called niello, often
used for medieval inlay.
And D&D wizards are always writing spells down, and in old editions you could even write it wrong and memorize it wrong. I like the idea that writing things down is encoding them and  binding them into the thing. While calligraphy was esteemed almost- or just as- highly in Japan and China, it didn't have the omnivorous quality of Islamic calligraphy, taking over walls, plates, doorways.

There is something almost gnostic in this: the world and everything in it is just the expression of something else happening in another, higher reality. All our world's objects and pleasures are just a text about that higher world.
Great Mosque, Cordoba, Spain

The architecture also has to be counted as a tremendous influence on the art--moreso than in the West, because of the art's inherently abstract and geometric quality, it's easy to find the forms of buildings reproduced on a smaller scale in the luxury objects and paintings. One theory holds that the "carpeted" look of these traditional walls descends from actual carpets--which the Mongols and other nomadic peoples' used as tent walls and which were and are still hung on walls for insulation and to, of course, tie the room together.
Persian Qur'an, using Nasta'liq script-- 16th-17th century
Bibi-Khanym Mosque, Samarkand, Uzbekistan (1404, but
completely reconstructed in the 70s I think)
Mamluk Qur'an

Lutfallah Mosque, Isfahan, Iran, finished in 1618
Various medieval braziers...




I think the colorful and monumental qualities of Islamic architecture are partially due to having (in a decent proportion of the very many countries which were ruled by an Islamic civilization at one time or another) a lot less foliage to compete with than the rest of us. Bukhara, for instance, gives the impression that if you wanted any kind of environment you had to build it yourself:
Great Mosque, Yazd, Iran 1330
So calligraphy and carpets influence the buildings, and the buildings influence everything else. These influences have something in common: they're all things only people make. Nature plays a role in every civilization's art, of course, but it wouldn't be crazy to say it plays a smaller roll in the art of the Islamic world than in that of any other great world civilization. It appears as pattern and abstraction, but relatively rarely as a force in itself.
Weird cat-shaped incense burners were fairly
common in 12th Century Iran 
I have no idea how accurate this is, but here's someone's
explanation for the variety of weird felines: "While zoomorphic and anthropomorphic representations were forbidden under Islamic religious law, the so-called “principle of improbability” was employed to create animals that were so far removed from reality that they could not be argued to be in any way representational of nature; thus were the strictures avoided. " 
Super cute.
The lack of observed natural motifs adds an air of urbanity and artifice to Islamic art taken out of context that accords well with the kind of goatless cosmopolitanism in 1001 Nights-style worlds like Al-Qadim and the Thief of Baghdad.

This painting, done in 1488 by the renowned Bihzad, features Zuleykha chasing Yusef through seven doors and is one of the most magical things I have ever seen:
Note the totality of the artifice: no sky, no landscape, everything is civilized, abstracted, sturctured, lonely, symbolic--plants and stars are only present as the idea of plants and stars worked into the patterns. This is a true mythic otherworld maze, made of only psychological things. This is Julio Cortazar territory--hundreds of years before modernism.

Here is Bihzad actually taking on nature, with the typically Persian use of rich colors derived from jewelry, lustred tilework and textile design:


Mir Sayyid Ali came along a little while after Bihzad...
Palace scene,1539-43
...I love how the food and wine float on that palace carpet like toy boats.

It's interesting to compare this battle scene to how a Japanese artist might have painted it. In both cases, the trees could be stylized and isolated, but the Persian painter has decisively and consciously transformed the tree into a beautiful symbol of a tree, whereas a Japanese painter would have given us some approximation of some seen tree.
From the Bayasanghori Shahnameh
The horses, though, have detail and distinction, no two quite alike--as useful war animals they belong to civilization, to the writer-like record of who and what was there. Compare this to one of Paolo Uccello's battles.

Likewise, you can directly compare this anonymous Ottoman portrait to the Bellini painting that inspired it:
…while Bellini was worrying about how the light fell on the folds and the face and making it look like his painter was actually sitting on the ground, the Ottoman artist worked on recording colors and patterns--making the subject of the painting into a pattern.

And, taking a bite out of the other end of cultural appropriation sandwich, here's a Persian hero killing a  totally Chinese dragon...
Bahram Gur Kills the Dragon. 1371. 

"...from this moment forth you will bleed prose"

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Some quick notes:

*My Alice + Transylvania-themed RPG book Red & Pleasant Land should (should) (should) be back from the printer and ready to go in a week or two.

* Last Gasp Logan has put together this amazing Read Magic misfire table. It could also function as a general spell-fuck-up table--I recommend using it for ritual magic gone wrong.

You birth a wriggling pink rat with a young version of your own face out of your mouth. It scrambles away and out of sight. It will grow to about the size of a pug, it develops translucent flaps of skin to glide on, it keeps showing up to foil your plans.


* Somebody else put together an angry RPG moron generator

Social combat mechanics: necessary for any of this? Because that's what I want to know. There are games that don't even have GMs, and those games actually work.

I was thinking about all the flaws in modern non-independent gaming, and I thought: are there any games that don't slavishly adhere to the outmoded GM/player system? The answer is no. I've spent the last two months doing an in-depth analysis of violating the social contract as the focus of the system. I'd argue against that, but you can see why I wouldn't. Don't tell me I'm the only one who's even HEARD of GM-less play? I know how games work.

The style is pitch-perfect for the drive-by commenter--that sense of a valve between our world and an impossibly resentful and unchanging one kicking loose in a spray of phrases dead long before they hit the screen.

*And C- found directed my attention to this video of a cabinet full of secret compartments the video's way better than this picture, but here's a picture anyway:
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When A Giant Egg Stops Drops And Rolls It Looks Weird

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So Mandy had been separated from the rest of the group by a magic ring she had burned into her flesh that teleported her from danger when she went below 0 hp.

Unnnnnnfortun8ly it teleported her right into the lap of a red rook and The Thirster, a demon with hypno-eyes instead of nipples and enough points in Arcana to know to chop Mandy's finger off.
Left: Thirster. Right: Fellow demon that got aced by the wizard last week
They threw Mandy in a cell and--much worse-- took her stuff. That's 17 levels and 6 years worth of stuff.
Luckily Ela Darling (right) showed up to roll for the first time today and the dice said she ended up in Mandy's cell.

An AD&D veteran, Ela immediately went for half-elf ranger, background: charlatan.

Joey Vs Skin also showed up to help after a long night at the bar where we saw a lion and I lost my hat after hanging in a bounce castle in West Adams. That was real life. In fake life Joey made a tiefling rogue named Schweppes Mizuno and promptly picked a fight with a giant rotting insect.
True, you may know that it's "Bigby's" and Charlotte did not,
but she knows where we keep the giant wooden hand
and you do not. So: even Steven.

Also: it was a butterfly but I only had a dragonfly mini. Sucks to be a fridge magnet away from tournament quality representation, but if the party ever fights Elvis, the Statue of Liberty or Nebraska we're good.

After taking the mothrafucker out the party bumped around the maze…

...while Mandy/Tizane and Ela/Beowyn fought off vampire jailers bent on hiring and/or eating them and then played truth-or-dare ("I dare you to try to cross the protective runes""Uh…truth?"). Ela maintained her charlatan cover as some duke's friend.

Eventually there was horrible vampire-swarm trouble and Charlotte got drained for 3 levels and Ela had to take a half-hour break for an interview and Joey had to catch a plane and then everyone started talking about medical stuff.

So I left and then immediately remembered I didn't smoke so I didn't actually have a reason to leave. So I came back.

When I opened the door the girls were topless. Despite my terror at this blatant attempt to sexualize what I had, until that moment, considered a safe space, I almost managed to kill them all--knocking Caroline Pierce unconscious with mome raths and knocking Mariah the cleric down to 3 hp with rook-hucked chunks of debris while the captives looked on through the bars. But then Ela discovered or rediscovered the whole "setting things on fire" tactic and the monsters' plans went rapidly south.

Everybody got 500 xp but Ildanna the Red Bride still has Mandy's stuff.

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The Art of Europe in the Piratey Era

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Part seven in a series on D&Dable art
Jacques Callot, from "Les Gobbi", 16something
Everybody wore lace and a fancy sword, it was a strange time on a strange continent…

Once anatomy and perspective got going in the Renaissance, Europeans spent the next 400 years treating their newfound ability to make shit look really real like a kid treats a toy on Christmas--or how people are treating photoshop right now.

Oh hey, we can show someone's head getting chopped off:...
Artemesia Gentilleschi-Judith Slaying Holofernes, 16something
Or I can paint my hot wife's disturbing eyes...
Nicholas Hilliard, from the English Renaissance, 1578.
You can usually tell English painters because they're way
behind the style curve and way into blue and white.
Bonus: Do you see the distant John Blancheness lurking here?
…or show you freaks looking at a rhino!...
Pietro Longhi, Rhinoceros, 1751
…or explain what an iceberg looks like...
Caspar David Friedrich, Sea of Ice 1824
So, basically, if somebody in Europe saw it or even just imagined it between 1500 and 1900 there's a painting of it. The range of subjects is unprecedented, even if the range of techniques isn't.

When we look at most modern fantasy illustration and concept design--this is where their bag of tricks came from. Even video games and movies still rely heavily on what this era of painting showed about the variety of different effects you can get just by the changing the light sources or palette.

European art after the Renaissance and before modernism is usually divided up by historians into a series of minutely examined and sequenced -isms. But to the modern viewer (and, likely, from the POV of any pre-20th century non-western culture) these categories seem less like a progression of changing styles than an attempt to fix names on loosely affiliated fashions that swelled, subsided, and mixed within what was essentially a massive tide of overlapping realisms.

The main ones, in the order they appear, are…

Mannerism: the one where everybody is skinny
(I have yet to find an example of a good work of Mannerist art.)

Baroque: the one where everything was dramatic
Bernini's Ecstasy of St Teresa, 1647-52 Which is phenomenal.


Rococco: the one where everything is flowery
This little guy is a Falconet from the Louvre, a clearly chilled
out French descendant of Bernini's impaling italian angel. 1757.
The hair is worse, but the expression is subtler.


Neo-Classicism: the one where everything is serious
Houdon, 1778. He's all THE ONLY BABY I CARE ABOUT IS THE NEW REPUBLIC!
Romanticism: the one where everything is emotional and natural

John Martin, 1851-3 The Great Day of His Wrath. Freak out.
Realism: the one with a lot of grey.
Whistler, Portrait of Master Stephen Manuel 1885
Minor 19th century movements of special interest to RPG folks include the Orientalists, who painted scenes from the far and middle east...
Jean-Leon Gerome. Heads of the Rebel Beys. 18something.
 ...and the pre-Raphaelites…

John William Waterhouse, The Magic Circle
...who spent a great deal of the 19th century painting things from an idealized Middle Ages. They're spiritual ancestors of Tolkien and a lot of the high-fantasy artists and high-fantasy ideas still around today. 

If we imagine every bad artist as a kind of failed experiment in an ongoing attempt to manipulate the bloodlines to create a good artist, people like Waterhouse, Burne-Jones and Gerome (whose paintings--from what I've seen--completely fall apart up close) were necessary to produce like Jeffrey Catherine Jones and Frank Frazetta.
Edward Burne-Jones--The Doom Fulfilled, 18something
As usual, the typical art historian's Bugbear of Relevance rolls right over what's most interesting about the best work from this era which is: it's just really fucking good.

For example, everything below gets called baroque, despite theatricality, drama and action not really being the point…
The extremely insignificant Willem Kalf just painting somebody's dinner
and knocking it out of the fucking park. Click and enlarge
and look at that lobster.
This is Bernini's portrait of Scipione Borghese
Finelli's portrait of the same Cardinal Borghese, less
baroque, but arguably even better than Bernini's.
I love the missing button.
(The idea of an egomaniacal Cardinal who has all these conflicting portraits is a good idea for an NPC.).
This is Vermeer. Now normally I'd be chewing Vermeer
out for that halo of grey over her head, but I've seen this
painting in person and it's actually maybe the best
painting. Period. Ever. So click and enlarge. See if you
can find a single stray scrubby brush stroke anywhere in there.
Rembrandt Human Thief, Level 7, 1634
Velasquez, Portrait of Juan De Pareja, 1650.
Juan was a former slave and painter in his own right who worked in
 Velasquez's studio.
You can tell in the actual portrait that Velasquez did the
face and the lace but some of the lazier stuff
at the bottom may have been done by an assistant.
Or just Velasquez being lazy. Anyway--the top half
in particular is still amazing.

Velasquez himself, 1645

Basically: There were a lot of people painting and sculpting, a few were good and most of their names are familiar.

What art history pretty much completely fails to mention are the prints and the printmakers. The three (otherwise wonderful) big fat survey books I've been relying on to refresh my memory about who did what when for the spine of this series pretty much skip printmaking entirely.
Meister E.S., from the Fantastic Alphabet

Some other letters
Prints are small and not usually in color and, unlike oil paintings, you can't keep them out in museums for long or they'll fall apart. They represent a parallel but not visually equivalent tradition to what's going on in the rest of Europe in Piratey Times yet even in today's art schools the printmaking department is like pretty much where anyone giving a fuck about you goes to die.

Part of the problem is also down to the original art history villain--Vasari. Printmaking was, in the beginning, predominantly a northern art (Durer, Schongauer) and so Vasari was like fuck that whole medium let's talk about Giotto some more, amirite?
from the Triumph of Maximillian, by one of several
German Renaissance printmakers, 15something

In the split you can hear echoes of the crowd-pleasing but gormless bulbous soft-focus warm Italian Renaissance painter/ vs sharp-eyed but uncharismatic joyless angular Northern Renaissance printmaker split today when people discuss digital painting vs black-and-white post-Sutherland RPG art (and lurking beneath that, is an echo of arguments about painting--free, open, colorful, vague--vs illustration--dutiful, precise, detailed. With anything truly great conforming, of course, to neither stereotype.)
Jacques Callot, 16something, bringing a suave and pre-Seussian line

Hendrik Goltzius, 1588. Notice the weird roundness--
either peoples' muscles used to be shaped different or
that's the influence of the Italian Renaissance's eccentric
conception of anatomy

Piranesi's prison drawings were just made up
and dungeony as fuck...

…but they drew on his experience drawing ancient ruins
like this here, Remains of the Tomb of the Metelli--both 17something

The nice thing about the huge archive of old master prints from a gamer point of view is they really do contain a record of every freakshow kind of picture imaginable. What with all these museums digitizing their archives, it's a fucking endless rabbit hole:
Wenceslaus Hollar, 16something

Sebastien Le Clerc
Henry Holiday From the Hunting of the Snark
Wenceslaus Hollar, 1652

Wenceslaus Hollar, 1646

Edit: Holy fuck I forgot Gustave Dore:

Eight Persimmons Beneath A Severed Arm

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This is 8th in a series on D&Dables in art history 
The Ghost of Wicked Genta Yoshihira Attacking Namba Jiro at Nunobiki Waterfall
by Tsukioka Yoshitoshi, whose drunken snapback ink line was marvellously reproduced by
his block-carver in the detail above and imperfectly reproduced by my tattoo
guy on your humble narrator's left shoulder 
The general Western ignorance about far eastern art is chosen: the records of who painted what, when, and why they said they painted it and what people thought about it are extensive and go back a very long time. In eras where Europe was producing pictures attributed to like "Master of Echternach(?)" China had painters with actual names and life dates and scholars producing extensive bodies of theory about them. So we can't fault their book-keeping for our cluelessness.

Part of the problem is your average modern viewer looks at, say, this...
Fan Kuan, Travellers among Mountains and Streams 11th C
...and then this…

Zhang Lu, Hurrying Home Before The Rain 16th C
…and hears that they are separated by five or six hundred years--most of which were spent arguing about painting--and they're baffled.

These paintings seem to eschew so many of the gimmicks Western art (not to mention nearly all the other kinds of images we see every day) rely on--color, action, directness, showy displays of technical knowhow, theatricality, anatomical illusionism, ornamentation--and not even because the artists lacked the time, resources, or technology, but just because they felt like it. They felt like it for 3000 years.
Li Cheng, A Solitary Temple Amid Clearing Peaks c. 960
Zheng Xie, 18th C
Yi Chong, 16th C. Ably representing Korea.

One thing discussions of East Asian art fail to clear up is that the audiences for these works of art were no less enamored of shiny colors or the illusion of action or any of the other vulgar chicaneries the artists of a sophisticated and technologically advancing civilization will inevitably experiment with than anybody else. They just got their fix elsewhere.
Qishan Wanfo Temple
Model city from…some time. I'm guessing Han but
I dunno.

No idea when this is from because even though
Peter Hogarth's book "Dragons" is amazing
its illustration attributions suck.The scales
and claws suggest to me a relatively late date
like 18something
The homes and temples of the Song, Yuan, Ming and Qing rulers were, like those of the Medicis and Popes, filled with awesome fancy junk. China, in fact, mastered awesome fancy junk (full of, yeah, color, action, directness, showy displays of technical knowhow, theatricality, anatomical illusionism, ornamentation) faster than almost anyone else. 
Zun and Pan Assemblage, C 435 BCE
Zhou or Han vessel
Gilt bronze dragon, 750 CE
Dancing weirdoes, Eastern Han, 25-220 BCE 
Palatial homes in the West were ostentatious with architecture, furniture, jewels, costumes and exotic fabrics and the paintings that adorned them evolved to be focal points of that ostentation--to show a sort of concentrated essence of all that color and craftsmanship.

The Eastern palaces were equally magnificent, but the scroll paintings were conceived as a contemplative rest amid the silk and splendor, not an apotheosis of it.
Qing era
East Asian ink painting became aligned with poetry and calligraphy--as in Islamic art--but whereas in the Middle East the calligraphic line turns the poem into a picture, in the Far East the calligraphic line turns the picture into a poem.

You turn the corner, you see the picture, you lean in, you follow the movements, you are taken far from the calculated and crafted world where the scroll hangs, into not just nature, but nature as seen by another. The brushstroke is an island of human touch hanging on the wall of an otherwise seamless, symmetrical, dyed, gilded, lacquered and manufactured world.
Unimportant Japanese Meiji-era wood sculpture: When your "tossed
off crap for the tourist market" is this good and has a monster this
visually consistent with what was being produced 500 years before
you have one motherfucker of a craft culture. 
The Western painter's work is of a piece with the work of the Western sculptor, artisan or jeweler--it is a built thing. You can see the arts and crafts develop in tandem and to the same ends. The Eastern painter's work stands as an emblem of individual human vision and fragility in contrast to built things.

It keeps what the person has seen and how they saw it from being lost--like tears in rain, as the guy said.
Hongren, 17th C
Painting existed in a para-literary space rather than the decorative, sculptural or architectural one that Western art chose to compete with. Kurt Vonnegut likened the mind-clearing effect of coming home from work and reading a short story to a "Buddhist cat-nap". The ink painting tradition isn't too far from this idea: The artist takes you--(using a distinctive and personal hand) away and you read the painting as much as look at it--then you return to the world.

Unlike a typical western painting--and much like a story waiting quietly in a book--they don't grab your attention. Grabbing would require intruding on the room, the paintings do not look back at you. They wait for you to look into them, and then hold it as long as you're willing to engage them.
Zou Fulei, A Breath of Spring, 1360

Same thing, close-up

Chen Rong, NineDragon Scroll, 13th C,
even the dragons are waiting behind clouds...
more of that
Li Di, Maple Falcon and Pheasant, 12th C. Birds
in trees was a whole genre unto itself.
Monkeys in a loquat tree, 11th c.
Japan, despite relying on the same bag of technical tricks, displayed a consistent inability to quite get with this program. The seeds of the vivacious and frenzied visual culture Japan has today are visible in there.

Chinese paintings allow you to step into them, Western ones ask you to step into them (think of the Mona Lisa looking, smiling, saying "the world's like this, ok?"), Japanese paintings, from surprisingly early on, threaten to step out into your space.

While those Chinese monkeys up there have the good sense to repose for the unknown painter in both the loquat tree and the composition it and they both serve, these Japanese monkeys insist on fucking around. The way they hang almost satirizes the way the scroll hangs from the wall.
Attributed to Mori Sosen but it doesn't look
like his other monkeys so I dunno, 18th-19th C
And this guy? He's looking right at you. Totally not a chinese monkey thing to do:
Hakuin Ekaku, 18c
By the 20th century you could argue the influence
was going the other way.  This is the Chinese artist
Pan Tianshou, from 1961.
Now part of it is the influence of Japanese Zen and the emphasis on spontaneity--here's Sesshu in 14something…Landscape Splashed With Ink:

…and Enku--a 17th C monk--embodied this direct Zen aesthetic in wood temple sculpture...

But there are other forces at work underlying this sensibility:
Chinese liondragons? Just chillin'--carved from the same ineffable celestial cloudstone ether into which they stare…
Japanese temple monster? You can totally tell someone went and looked at a real animal at some point before carving this guy…maybe it was just a shaved shih-tzu, but it was something with muscles and teeth and a face...



19th C netsuke. And there's also bunraku
puppets and noh masks and a billion other
things I don't know enough about to
even scratch the surface of...

…and there's also a distinctly Japanese willingness to let the decorative elements…
19th C
17th C
….into the paintings. Here's Ogata Korin (16th C) prefiguring Gustav Klimt:


______

I'd submit that the reason almost all eastern and western paintings look so, well….old…to us up until very recently is we don't live in those same rooms. The homes of the modern not-fabulously-wealthy are hopelessly eclectic--we have all this shit because we might need it--the Ikea shelf and the New England blanket and the Japanese printer and the Italian yard sale end-table and the fake-Turkish rug and a dog bred by Chinese emperors to look like a lion. So we want a picture to bring its context with it, and establish a mood under its own power--the artist can't rely on the environment to provide the necessary counterpoint. It can be a conscious effort of will for a modern person to collect the necessary calm to engage a Velasquez or a Li Cheng, even when we recognize there's something worth seeing there.

---
I'm going to guess Japan's emerging merchant class had the same problem as modernity approached, and so, to serve them, Japanese artists created the earliest artform which is is still capable of giving the contemporary viewer no impression of being seen through a mist of time, the one that is still capable of striking even a child as being as fresh and as immediate as a snapchat: the ukiyo-e print.

The "pictures of the floating world" merged the fluidity and personal touch of ink painting, the design sense of the luxuries and textiles, and the visual ferocity always latent in the mythological sculpture to create something which became--as the form reached its peak in the 19th century--as different from what had come before as Jerry Lee Lewis' piano is from Mozart's.

Roughly in order, the (eminently D&Dable) highlights are…

Hokusai:







He made this insane painting right before he died.
I wonder if a young Bill Waterson ever saw it.

Hiroshige:

(…these things were prints, remember, so the variation in color is because different editions were printed with different inks. Sometimes, also, the variation we see now is due to the ink fading or oxidizing in different print runs.

On top of that, the artist had to rely on rely on the block-carver to transfer their design from drawing to block plus maybe even new owners adding personal ownership seals to the final image--much as a contemporary comic penciller needs to develop a style that works no matter who the colorist, inker and letter are.)

Utagawa Kuniyoshi:




Yoshitoshi:

The rest of the Ghost of Genta Yoshihira



The Known Unknowns

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The 9th entry in a series on D&Dable art history
Initiation mask, Papua New Guinea
"...as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know. And if one looks throughout the history of our country and other free countries, it is the latter category that tend to be the difficult ones."
-Donald Rumsfeld

"Psychoanalytic philosopher Slavoj Žižek says that beyond these three categories there is a fourth, the unknown known, that which we intentionally refuse to acknowledge that we know."
-Wikipedia, Sept 25

“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.”

-H.P. Lovecraft

Art historians want you to have context. This requires ignoring the fact that context doesn't cover the only quality that makes art special. According to context Jim Belushi and John Belushi are basically the same guy--from the same culture, background, class, time, place. Context doesn't tell you which one is funny--and funny is the only reason you'd be paying attention to a Belushi in the first place.
Ekoi headdress, Nigeria or Cameroon, early 20th C

When confronted with art from far away, well-intentioned people like to hit you over the head with how little we understand. And understanding is good, it leads to respect and respect keeps people from making other people mad. But respect doesn't get you invited to parties--only love does that. And RPGs are a party, after all.

The good news is, art wants to be loved. Art doesn't care if you know it's a Belushi of the Belushi Clan of Humboldt Park late 20th C, it only wants you to know it is John and not Jim. It is what it is, but more importantly, it is good.
Zapotec dog being totally metal.
The default response to understanding is respectful distance. So the reason you can now get what is basically Italian food and hear what was once a West African beat almost anywhere in the world isn't because anyone understood those things--it's because they loved them. Wait, you have to learn everything about this before you can do anything with it may be an attitude that makes sure professional contextualizers have tenure, but it is rarely the one that the artists themselves would endorse, and it is never the one they take when they go to work. 

The only point of that whole ramble is this: don't let your ignorance intimidate you. Go ahead and love things and feel free to think about what you love in them. Otherwise art history is just you on the floor pouring over maps of greater Chicago watching K-9 and wondering why you hate your life.

This is not a comprehensive or in any way responsible survey of all the art of Oceania, Australia, Southeast Asia, Africa, the Americas and any other place I left out of the other entries. It's just some stuff I love.
Bhurkumkuta, Tibet, 15-16th C
The fact that most Westerners associate "Buddhism" with Zen simplicity and that Tibetan Buddhism's most popular modern ambassador presents as a kind of blandly retweetable Upworthy humanist obscures the fact that Buddhist Tibet was historically a hotbed of Insane Monster Art full of complex philosophical concepts expressed through esoteric figure symbolism.

The sculptures below depicting the yab-yum, which is, as you can see, a male deity (often with with a lot of arms) fucking a female deity without a lot of arms.
He is not holding a duck in each hand I think he's holding
a flame in each hand. Which as a professional I can tell
you is not easy to do during a scene.

(It has a whole spiritual meaning which there are
a lot of people on the internet dying to tell
you about if you're into that kind of thing.)


Tibetan sculpture has a lot of the movement and vitality of Indian art but also some of the fine, attentuated detail of Indonesian and Chinese sculpture. Though, like the guys who do Space Marines, they consistently have a problem doing legs.

I assume you know the temples of like Cambodia Vietnam, etc are frikkin amazing but in case you didn't know that Java does too, here's Java:
Plaosan Temple, Java, 9th C
Prambanan Temple Complex, Java, 9th C

And in Bali they have a kind of sculpture which has a very specific wavelike line not quite like what you'd see in mainland Southeast Asia or in the rest of the islands, plus these distinctly Balinese Crazy Eyes:

I believe those are Garudas





Buddhist and Hindu art are kind of like their own visual genre overlaid over the various cultures where it spread. It's not unusual for other art from the same area to look radically different.

Not far away, in the rest of Indonesia...
Batak divining rooster
Malaggan Mask, New Ireland. The morphology's like
nothing else I've seen outside Yellow Submarine.
It's often overlooked how important individual expression
is in pushing tribal art beyond being just an example of a local style.
Malaggan mask, New Ireland
Masks from the middle Sepik river cultures in New Guinea:


The point of warmasks, like the New Guinean "mudmen" masks below--is to make the warriors look fucked up and thus freak out their enemies. So if they look freaky to you, that is a completely culturally appropriate response. 


Generally speaking, a lot of the apparent grotesquerie in tribal art is conscious grotesquerie--the images represent or incarnate the spirits of the dead and the dead are scary. The fact that the dead are scary is, as James George Frazier pointed out, probably the most widely-shared belief in all of human culture. So if you don't find the images scary and alienating you aren't understanding.

These guys below are called korwars and are apparently a kind of ancestor figure, they
possess the power to prevent bloggers from getting their text to properly left-justify:


I have never seen a korwar like this. I am, in fact,
a little dubious, but that's what the website says it is.
Either way: it is incredible.
In West Central Africa, they have these things called nkondi (or, formerly "nail fetishes"). The idea is either that you nail your prayer into the figure or that you hammer the nail in to wake the figure up to pursue your foes--I am not qualified or educated enough to say which, if either, of those is exactly right. I am, however, eminently qualified to point out that both of those interpretations are D&Dable as fuck.

The dog figure is apparently named Kozo and protects women. Kozo has two heads to see both our world and the spirit world.


And this guy is called Mangaaka:

These here are other kinds of nkisi or objects in which spirits dwell:


This is the god Gou, made from scrap metal some time before
1858 by an artist named Akati Ekplekendo
And, of course, in Africa there's the masks, some of which are also meant to aid in possession by the gods or spirits:
Abron
from Mozambique
Bronze, 16C, Yoruba
Chokwe
Dan
Ekoi 

Ekoi
Fang mask for the ngil ceremony
Dan
Tsogo people (from Gabon)
Mask of the Ekpo Society, from Gabon, a sort
of masked spiritual secret police, if I understand correctly.
Requires research, but definitely D&Dable. This is one
example of African art being mysterious and scary
on purpose--even to people within the
culture.
Senofu
So far as I know this is just a cool elephant someone decided to make:
Silver, from the Fon people, 19th C
This is by a 20th century Nigerian artist named Twins Seven Seven, who, again, made deliberately mysterious images based on a personal symbolism--it's called Invisible Bird On Red Planet. He had style.

These images are from a place in Utah called Newspaper Rock--the petroglyphs were made by several different Native American cultures:
One thing about Native American cultures is, since they were in America, and Hollywood is in America, and so were cowboys, we actually have movies about Native Americans. This gives us a little more visual context for what the rest of their lives looked like.

For example, in Dances with Wolves we have an attempt to make the Sioux look one way and the Pawnee look a whole other way. Whether or not it's accurate, it at least makes it easier for an RPG person to imagine adventures there as having variety and detail.

We're not so lucky with, like, sub-saharan Africa or Oceania. It's not compelling if the only image from a culture you can imagine is "guy in a loincloth with a spear"--nor is it accurate. Somebody should get on that.




These are Tlingit war helmets. I sure hope some day somebody makes a movie where people fight wearing these:



And someone really needs to do a better job of showing us what was going on down south than Apocalyto did...


A 15 C. Chimu mummy wore this, in Peru


Mictlantecuhtli, God of the Dead. 600-900 CE, Mexico

Aztec--the repeating geometric patterns help identify it

Aztec snake

Olmec Jaguar
Zapotec funerary urn
Zapotec bowl

These are from a gold-filled Moche tomb in Sipan, northern Peru from around 100 CE. Moche art has less of the repeating  rectilinear motifs that you see in Aztec art:


These are from Teotihuacan, which is translated many ways, but the one I like best is "The place one goes to become a god". It was around from 100 BCE to about 600 years later and nobody knows exactly which culture made it. It's in Mexico...

There was a Zapotec "neighborhood" in Teotihuacan. The
Zapotecs were around a long time and their stuff is super
weird.


Next up:
Modernism

Dragons + CthulhuCon Tomorrow

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Two things:

* First, Dragons by Peter Hogarth with Val Clery is now available free on Open Library (though last I checked there's a waiting list) and it's awesome...

It's written in a breezy, readable style ( I think I first read it when I was like 10) and full of crazy monster stories from around the world and wonderful art. 

Bartolomeo Bermejo. I wonder if he's related to Lee Bermejo?


In terms of D&Dables per page, it's incredible--the Tarrasque is in there, and Tiamat and and Siegfried and and and and…yeah

* The second thing is that if you're in the LA area, we're all going to be at CthulhuCon (part of the HP Lovecraft film festival) playing Call of Cthulhu tomorrow. Sandy Peterson will be there with his insane-looking new game CthulhuWars, too. So stop by!

Alright.
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Because "Family Dynamic Generator" sounds boring...

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D100 Reasons Your PC's Family Likes Your PC's Big Sister Way More Than Your PC

Generated here with contributions from the folks at the bottom of this page. Lightly edited by me.

1, She is currently on the Plane Of Gems, preventing the incursion of the Crystal Tyrants into humanoid timespace.
2, She married the Duke. The Duke is a jerk.
3, She's a (planar?) bartender, thus she always has the best stories.
4, She actually learned to read.
5, She actually remembers to write. 
6, She's a polyglot and has a career in defense architecture.
7, She never complains, unlike some people.
8, Followed through on her doctorate in Murderhoboist studies.
9, Dimples.
10, Took a crossbow bolt intended for your father while your PC just stood there. Oh sure, the sun was in your eyes. Right.
11, She understands the value of hard work.
12, Not a cannibal.
13, Working in the inn is providing for the family. What has all your magicking done for us?
14, Was born with a birthmark in the shape of a star - she is the foretold one, who will free the people from the cruel grasp of the overminds - you, well you know how to keep from underfoot.
15, She married a nice lawful good boy.
16, She visits her grandmother once in a while, which apparently would kill you. (Yes, I know Grandmother swore she would kill you. Grandmother can't help being a revenant, sweetie.)
17, She's there for every cult meeting, summoning demons with the rest of us. Proper demons, too; not these new fangled aberrations.
18, She never attracted the wrath of an angry god with acts of sodomy.
19, eats her greens, drinks her reds. 
20, Had the decency not to get herself resurrected after being killed fair and square, unlike some people.
21, She has married a nice local boy and is ready to start producing grandbabies.
22, Because your big sister cleans her armor before coming home from the big battle.
23, She was accepted into the best adventurers' guild.  Meanwhile, PC has yet to finish filling out the application...
24, Will actually shout a round.
25, She doesn't do drugs.
26, Always offers to take first watch at camp.
27, She isn't half-anything.
28, Didn't kill those kobold babies.
29, She volunteered to liase with the mean Satyrs in the woods.
30, The brownies love the sound of her laugh.
31, Because your enchantress sister charmed your family.
32, She moved out.
33, She spent her dungeon loot to replace the house after that dragon attack, unlike some ungrateful children.
34, Create Food and Water.
35, She doesn't whine about why there are pit traps in Father's study.
36, Doesn't nibble on Myconid ambassadors.
37, The sword did pick her, after all. 
38, She fills out her boob armor better than you. Stick to jerkins, dearie.
39, She didn't kill your mother during childbirth.
40, I don't care if she casts Summon too, she doesn't do it in her bedroom when there is company over.
41, Thinks the only good wizard died 100 years ago.
42, …from her stabbing him with his own sacrifice-goblet.
43, Paladin; actually holier than thou.
44, Why couldn't you marry a cleric of some nice stable religion?
45, She does what she's told and you're a half-giant creep.
46, She is not a murderous vagrant.
47, She doesn't bring incubi home to dinner.
48, She was not spawned in a vat..
49, She is better at Orc Head Football
50, Agrees with the family in their fondness/unfondness of bards. 
51, Her mutations proved to be far more useful than yours.
52, She's made real sacrifices for this family.Not just sheeps and goats, but the Spawn of the Raven King and cousin Cletus.
53, She can fart Frigging In the Rigging.
54, She is so handsome, agreeable and obliging - the total opposite of your PC.
55, She has never set someone on fire. Not even once.
56, She's got the proper attitude towards Elves - seething murderous hate.
57, She did not waste her gold on carousing. Bought into a respectable slave auctioning company.
58, Finished college.
59, Sensible and levelheaded, she wishes you would just commit suicide neatly rather than dragging that expensive armor down a hole to die in it. 
60, She knows how to tell jokes so they're funny.
61, She never got the attic searched by the Agents of the Invincible Overlord
62, She always visits once a lunar phase. She owns a small farm in the same village run by her husband who stops by regularly  and helps out around the house when he can.
63, She never was caught with her hands in the cookie jar. Or the bag of gold. Or the summoning circle.
64, Cookies.
65, How would you not like the head of the assassin's guild more than anyone else?
66, She's just inherently way more likeable (CHA's not her dump stat).
67, She's not a vapid vain voidhead like you, but a noted explorer and has seen the world.
68, She will lend her red koboldskin boots.
69, She managed to come back from the pyramids without giving the twins next door mummy rot.
70, They're assholes, and don't understand you.
71, Sure she helped you kill your older sibling with a sharpened elf scapula, but at least she felt bad about it. 
72, She didn't play in the bad halfling lute quartet.
73, She was never tried for high treason. Not even once. 
74, She never brought half of the family into the torture chambers of the Baron... Yeah you saved us, but isn't that the least a mother can expect.
75, The teenage-vampire trilogy she authored was a best-seller, while you always went for crypt loots over crap books.
76, She don't runs around acting like she saved the world from the "Lord of Insuffizient Light" or something. I know you did, but that's no reason to show of.
77, She's a proper half giant and not a humanlike giant/dwarf breed like you.
78, She never brought home an experimental undead lover...
79, She accepted the arranged marriage. The one intended for you. 
80, Because they don't know what she is really like...
81, It's all because of that accident you had with that nun.
82, Consensual incest.
83, She's a prostitute, but at least she has a regular income to support the family.
84, She is an uppity, dangerous, experimental troublemaker while all you do is carry torches down mines. 
85, She's gone on to be a doctor. Your parents didn't crawl dungeons so that you could waste your life doing the same.
86, Didn't run-off with the family heirloom to waste on a night in the "Big Town".
87, She never comes home bleeding all over the carpet.
88, She takes credit for whatever you do.
89, Well she is just plain better than you! (Rolled 4d6 drop lowest for abilities).
90, Your big sister gave them a beautiful grand-daughter. You, on the other hand, gave them a Changeling. 
91, She never accidentally got hooked up to the leader of a death cult.
92, The only surviving members of it are clones of her.
93, The doppelganger that have replaced her is like, really nice!
94, She is the village ax-throwing champion, and  grows those red mushrooms everyone loves to put in stew, whats not to like.
95, When your sister is in town she usually takes your folks out for lunch. When you're in town they usually get kidnapped.
96, She is always telling lies about you. Nasty lies that lead people to believe you are guilty of horrible things.
97, She knows Rune Lore, she was never taught rune lore, somehow she just knows it. It's been a great boon to the family.
98, She never solves her problems with murder. Or at least never got caught for it.
99, She solves her problems with murder, and not with sissy, stealthy, thiefy bullshit like a certain other family member.
100, She died in a terrible accident when she was still young and pure. Your parents think she's perfect and you can never live up to their expectations. You swore never to tell them her secrets, so they like her better because you keep your promise. At least that's one thing you manage to do right. 
  
Contributors:

Jeremy Friesen, Mark Van Vlack, Matt D, Justin Kowalski, David Pretty, J Alberto Abreu, Paul Vermeren, Zak Smith, Wil McKinnee, Wayne Rossi, Evan Elkins, Richard Grenville, David Boshko, Lucien Reeve, Frank Falkenberg, Adam Muszkiewicz, Solange Simondsen, Timothy Franklin, Gus L, Daniel Dean, Jason K, Reynaldo Madriñan, Brian Lovell, Harald Wagener, Blue Tyson, Corey Brin, Matthew Adams, Arthur Fisher, Kiel Chenier, Edward Lockhart, Mateo Diaz, Humza K, Mark Fitzpatrick, Alec Henry, Paul Hughes, Enzo Garabatos, Klaus Gerken, Anders Nordberg, Juan Ochoa, Kirin Robinson, Eric Boyd, Jarrah James, Christian Sahlén, Chris Belz and Joshua Blakketter
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D30 Ways To Be The Worst Critic In The History Of The World

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               10th and maybe last in a series on D&Dable art history.
Hans Bellmer, hand-tinted-photo 1934
Modernism can be hard to describe. Isn't anything made around the same time as the person looking at it modern? Luckily Modernism, collectively, has something none of the other kinds of art we've looked at in this series has: it has a story--an exciting story with death and bad murder in it.

It is strange to think that something as multifarious and diffused as Modernism (embracing abstraction, surrealism, symbolism, futurist fascists, socialist photomontagists, apolitical golden age illustrators and millions more) as having a story, since story implies unity--but there is a unity and it's granted by the utter consistency of the villain: the anti-modern. That theme of diversity vs unity is apposite: The modern is a fox, the anti-modern is a hedgehog.

The Enlightenment had been going on for 200 years at this point and the anti-modernists were still down with it. They would've called themselves advocates for reason and progress. To them, modernism was a cult of madness. People would be like "It isn't a cult of madness, this is just how the world is" and they'd be like "Whatever, man".
Theo Van Doesburg, Dungeon Map With Three
Pit Traps Where Red Is Monster Lairs & Gold
Is The Treasure and Blue Rooms Are Secret c1931
We may not know and may never know what the all-hands-down best way to analyze a creative work is--which method leads to the most insight, to the best recommendations for current audiences and future creators--but, thanks to the era of early Modernism (c. 1850-1950), we do at least know what the worst way is. Or at least the worst way the world has yet seen.

We know because a whole lot of worst-ever happened during that time, and art got to be a part of it.
It's 1895 and our story begins with the worst critic in the world--and the worst criticism. His story is not a tragedy, because it doesn't go up and then down--it only goes down. So it's a horror story: a man was bad, he stayed bad, he did bad things, other people did more bad things because he did them, there were bad consequences, then more, they continue to this day…

Max Simon Nordau was no Nazi--he was, like me, a leftist and a Jew. Max Nordau was a bigot of a kind often seen, rarely described, universally tolerated, and monumentally dangerous to a free society. He was not a bigot about race or class or creed--he was a bigot about taste in stuff.
Kees Van Dongen, Ever Since Dolly Died
This Painting Has Cause Viewers To Save Or Refuse To Be
More Than 15' From It Forever
, 1911 

Nordau's specific theory was that people who liked what he didn't like had a disease called degeneration--and if you've heard of that idea, it's because it spawned the Nazi concept of Degenerate Art.

As Hitler expressed it, with his trademark subtlety: "...anyone who sees and paints the sky green and fields blue ought to be sterilised".
From an official list of over sixteen motherfucking thousand works of art
declared "degenerate" by the Reich. Pretty much everyone who made it into
the art history books from this era is on the list, although only a fraction
appeared in the official Degenerate Art show. Bad things happened to
the artists who stayed in Germany. Their works were variously sold, confiscated
and destroyed, depending on what the Reich was up to at the time.
The Times explains, if you never heard about it:
Degenerate Art: The Attack on Modern Art in Nazi Germany, 1937,” at the Neue Galerie, opens with a quietly devastating compare-and-contrast. The walls of the narrow hallway leading onto the first gallery are covered with facing photomurals.
The image in one dates from 1938. It shows the exterior of the of the Schulausstellungsgebaude in Hamburg where the traveling antimodernist exhibition called “Entartete Kunst” — “Degenerate Art” — has opened. The line of visitors waiting to get in stretches down the street.  
Egon Schiele, My Sister Is Frozen In This Position Due To The
Leucochloridium paradoxum Which, As You Can See, Is Beginning
To Invade Her Abdomen
, 1909
"The photo on the opposite wall is from 1944. It shows Carpatho-Ukrainian Jews newly arrived at the railroad station at Auschwitz-Birkenau. They are densely crowded together along the length of a platform that runs far into the distance and out of sight. The message is clear: The event in the first picture led or contributed to that in the second. The show itself is one of the few in an American museum in the past two decades to address, on a large scale, the Nazis’ selective demonizing of art, how that helped foment an atmosphere of permissible hatred and forged a link between aesthetics and human disaster.              
Klimt, A Painting I Did On The Theme of 'Philosophy' that the University of Vienna
Rejected And Censored Basically On The Grounds That It Was A Way Too
Prescient Picture of Where Austrian Philosophy Was Headed
, 1899. 
But mentioning all that genocide is gilding the lily. We can totally follow nerd etiquette and discredit Max Nordau while avoiding Godwinning altogether--like Tipper Gore, a mere list of Nordau's more prominent targets is enough to indict him as having been completely wrong: Oscar Wilde, Tolstoy, all the pre-Raphaelites--Hunt, Millais (father of all modern mainstream high-fantasy illustration), Verlaine and all the Symbolists, all the Impressionists--Monet, Manet, Seurat, everybody else your mom has hanging on the wall--Baudelaire, Emile Zola, Gustave Flaubert.

Basically Nordau attacked nearly everyone in his era who we now, in 2014, might look back on and accuse of having made some positive and radical contribution to the culture of the 20th century. Nordau even, in 1895, managed to find a feminist to attack--in the form of Henrik Ibsen. In short; if it was good, Max was agin' it.
Odilon Redon--a symbolist. Max was agin' it.
Odilon Redon, 1882
So this is the worst critic ever. Pretty close to objectively. When your criticism's main impact is that it not only leads to the wholesale destruction of the kinds of works of art that formed the entire wellspring of the next hundred years of cultural production and the exile, imprisonment and sometimes even murder of the artists who made it but, in addition to all that, actually and measurably subverted all the broader societal goals you yourself claimed to seek in every country where your ideas were implemented for decades to come simply by taking your literal meaning, you know you did criticism completely wrong.
Kurt Schwitters'Merzbau which translates as "Attempt to Reproduce,
In My Home, The Malevolent and Inhuman Geometries Vistas I
Witnessed That Spring Evening", 1933. He fled Nazi Germany
4 years later
So How Did He Do It So Wrong? 

What Hitler recognized in Nordau was not a similarity of world-view--Nordau would not have signed himself and his family up for state-assisted suicide in ovens. What linked them was a style of thought--or, rather, of nonthought. It's essentially a contempt for thought, even when engaging areas of human experience where there's nothing to do but think. Stalin was to adopt precisely the same attitude toward modernism in 1934.
Egon Schiele, My Sister's Eyes Were Removed
Before They Could Be Infected And Then
Implanted In The Newborn's Head
, 1910
During the 583 pages of his magnum opus Degeneration, Nordau outlines the following critical principles:

A. Stuff I don't like is probably made by people who have something wrong with them.
B. Stuff I don't like probably mostly appeals to people who have something wrong with them.
C. There are no possible good reasons to like or make what I don't like.
D. The stakes are incredibly high.
E. I refuse to check any of this.
Tamara Lempicka, It's Still Prohibition And I'm Already
Less Uptight About Nipples Than RPGnet
, 1930
The method is even simpler than the philosophy:

A. Identify a societal ill
B. Claim a work is contributing to it
C. Dare the audience not to see the connection, scaring them into thinking they lose the intellectual high ground if they don't see it and the moral high ground if they don't believe it
D. Ignore the counterargument and call anyone making it names
Alberto Giacometti, 3d Sketch For Dungeon With Pterodactyl, 1932

This style of thought is, like all conservatism, an appeal to risk-aversion. It appeals to the part of the brain that goes: I'm not 100%--but can we afford not to believe him? The part that will trade certain pleasure for possible safety. The part that would never dream of trading a bird in the hand for nine in the bush.

Such a conservative approach is somewhat understandable when dealing with, say, explosives disarmament and disposal. It's considerably less understandable when dealing with something that just sits on a wall in a white room in front of drunk curators and bored schoolchildren, so it's imperative that anyone promulgating it constantly claim the risk art poses is tremendous and forms part of the central struggle of the age. So much so that it outweighs any benefit of looking at the work or even listening to the argument in favor of it.

Maybe this sounds crazy, Nordau suggests, but can you ever forgive yourself if I'm right?

Let's take a closer look at Degeneration and its maneuvers. Knowing now, with hindsight, that all of these arguments were completely--near genocidally--wrong:
Joaquin Torres Garcia, I Have Worked Clues To The Details Of My Murder
At The Hands Of The Buenos Aires Dagon Cult Into This Image, 1944
1. It's Not Like Economics Or Class Or Technology Or History Are  Engines Of Society Or Anything, It's All On Whatever Poem I'm Worried About Today

"Books and works of art exercise a powerful suggestion on the masses. It is from these productions that an age derives its ideals of morality and beauty. If they are absurd and anti-social, they exert a disturbing and corrupting influence on the views of a whole generation. Hence the latter, especially the impressionable youth, easily excited to enthusiasm for all that is strange and seemingly new, must be warned and enlightened as to the real nature of the creations so blindly admired…"
Harry Clarke, Vornheim Countess Amusing Herself With
Diminutized Courtiers, some time in the '20s
2. I Am A Fucking Brave As Fuck Hero To Attack Artists Because Artists' Ability To Punish Me Is Far Greater Than, Y'know, Powerful and Entrenched Institutions That Have Actually And Overtly Controlled Peoples' Lives for Millennia 

"I have no doubt as to the consequences to myself of my initiative. There is at the present day no danger in attacking the Church, for it no longer has the stake at its disposal. To write against rulers  and governments is likewise nothing venturesome, for at the worst nothing more than imprisonment could follow, with compensating glory of martyrdom. But grievous is the fate of him who has the audacity to characterize esthetic fashions as forms of mental decay. The author or artist attacked never pardons a man for recognising in him a lunatic or a charlatan."
Performers in Oskar Schlemmer's "Triadic Ballet" ('20s)
whose exotic costumes and ritualized motions allowed
performers to communicate with the Eilraphact Emperors
of Psyaellicharr IV
3. It's A Really Good Idea To Jump On A Random Metaphor And Beat The Hell Out Of It With The Literal Stick To Make The Other Guy Look Bad

"'Fin de siècle'….No proof is needed of the extreme silliness of the term. Only the brain of a child or of a savage could form the clumsy idea that the century is a kind of living being, born like a beast 
or a man, passing through all the stages of existence, gradually aging and declining after blooming childhood, joyous youth, and vigorous maturity, to die with the expiration of the hundredth year, after being afflicted in its last decade with all the infirmities of mournful senility."
Yves Tanguy, Dynaiadic Fortress On The Elemental Plane of Plasma,
Elevation, Exterior View, To-Be-Keyed
, '30s

4. My Taste Is Objectively Good Because Normal People Can Relate To It

"The Philistine or the Proletarian still finds undiluted satisfaction in the old and oldest forms of art and poetry, if he knows himself unwatched by the scornful eye of the votary of fashion, and is free to yield to his own inclinations...he enjoys himself royally over slap-dash farces and music-hall melodies, and yawns or is angered at Ibsen ; he contemplates gladly chromos of paintings depicting Munich beer-houses and rustic taverns, and passes the open-air painters without a glance. It is only a very small minority who honestly find pleasure in the new tendencies…"
Yves Tanguy, Archons of the Beta-Realm Perform Aetheric
Surgery In Preparation for the Coming of the Nythovorg
,
30s

5. Totally Innocuous Stuff I Don't Like Is Ridiculous And I'm Going To Prove It By Describing It Like Only A Psychopath Would

"The children, strolling beside their mothers thus bedecked, are embodiments of one of the most afflicting aberrations into which the imagination of a spinster ever lapsed. They are living copies of the pictures of Kate Greenaway, whose love of children, diverted from its natural outlet, has sought gratification in the most affected style of drawing, wherein the sacredness of childhood is profaned under absurd disguises."
The offending Kate Greenaway.
…and if Nordau won't have the decency to treat illustrators as
civilians in his little turf war, how can I? Here's Elizabeth Shippen Green
pulling out some proto-Cubist space in 1902 to paint a young female
wargamer hard at work building terrain--while Picasso was still
just painting normal paintings only blue.
6. Let's Pretend The Gothic Isn't an Established And Understood Genre And Then Be Outraged By It Like As If Only Some Kinda Charlie Manson Could Think This Shit Up

"But these balusters, down which naked furies and possessed creatures are rolling in mad riot, these bookcases, where base and pilaster consist of a pile of guillotined heads, and even this table, representing a gigantic open book borne by gnomes, make up a style that is feverish and infernal. If the director-general of Dante's 'Inferno' had an audience-chamber, it might well be furnished with such as these. Carabin's creations may be intended to equip a house, but they are a nightmare."
A feverish chair of the infernal
 François-Rupert Carabin, probably made
by freezing real cats alive to a plinth like in that
one Vincent Price movie. I mean, I can't
prove it but….probably.
7. I Am Freaked Out About Sex Stuff That's Considerably Less Risque Than Any Given Nicki Minaj Video

"The vanguard of civilization holds its nose at the pit of undiluted naturalism, and can only be brought to bend over it with sympathy and curiosity when, by cunning engineering, a drain from the boudoir and the sacristy has been turned into it...Elegant titillation only begins where normal sexual relations leave off. Priapus has become a symbol of virtue. Vice looks to Sodom and Lesbos, to Bluebeard's castle and the servant's hall of the "divine" Marquis de Sade's Justine, for its embodiments…
Gustav Klimt's Judith II which was frequently mislabelled
"Salome". Why? Because although both the tale of Judith decapitating
Holofernes
and the story of Salome decapitating John theBapist
are eminently D&Dable, Judith is a heroine and Salome is a villain.
In typical sexist pigfucker fashion, critics had a hard time
wrapping their heads around the idea that somebody whose
nipple you could see could be on the good guy team.  
"It has been repeatedly pointed out in these pages that the emotionalism of the degenerate has, as a rule, an erotic colouring, because of the pathological alteration in their sexual centres. The abnormal excitability of these parts of the nervous system can have as a consequence both an especial attraction towards woman and an especial antipathy to her. The common element connecting these opposing effects of one and the same organic condition is the being constantly occupied with woman, the being constantly engrossed with presentations in consciousness from the region of sexuality."
Has Bellmer, Languish Wraith Attempting To Reconstruct
Itself From Available Materials In An Attic, Mid-Stage
. Photo, 1934
8. There Are Healthy Ways To Go About Sex And Unhealthy Ones And I'm An Expert Because I Watched Scott Pilgrim Several Times, Ok?

"A man may or at least should choose a certain woman for his consort out of love; but what holds him fast married, after a suitable choice and successful courtship, is no longer physiological love, but a complex mixture of habit, gratitude, unsexual friendship, convenience, the wish to obtain for himseif social advantages (to which must naturally be added an ordered household, social representation, etc.), considerations of duty towards children and State; more or less, also, unthinking imitation of a universal observance. 
Man Ray, Golem Familiars, 1947
"But feelings such as are described in the Kreutzer Sonata and in Family Happiness the normal man never experiences towards his wife, even if he has ceased to love her in the natural sense of the word. 

"These relations are quite otherwise in the degenerate. The morbid activity of his sexual centres completely rules him…"
Egon Schiele, Charmed Victim of the Panoptic Lord
Willingly Consumed By Obliviax Moss, 1909
9. I'm Gonna Pretend I'm Everybody

"Why should I place a high value on the activity of a fellow who with rapture describes the colours and odours of putrid carrion ; and why should I bestow my especial esteem on a painter who shows me the libidinousness of a harlot ? Because the amount of artistic technique involved is difficult?"
Franz Von Bayros
More Von Bayros
10. Why Do They Do These Things? They Want The World To Be Bad

"...Catulle Mendes, who began his literary career by being condemned for a moral outrage (brought upon himself by his play Le Roman d'une Nuit) exalts in his later works, of which I will not quote the titles, one of the most abominable forms of unnatural license ; Baudelaire sings of carrion, maladies, criminals and prostitutes ; in short, if one contemplates the world in the mirror of Parnassian poetry, the impression received is that it is composed exclusively of vices, crimes and corruption without the smallest intermixture of healthy emotions, joyous aspects of Nature and human beings feeling and acting honestly.
Gustav Klimt, Beethoven Frieze, 1902. Klimt being remembered as
"the guy who painted The Kiss" is like Guns N Roses being remembered
as "that band that did November Rain".


"There is no indifference here to virtue or vice; it is an absolute predilection for the latter, and aversion for the former. Parnassians do not at all hold themselves 'beyond good or evil/ but plunge themselves up to the neck in evil, and as far as possible from good. Their feigned ' impartiality ' with regard to the drama of morality or immorality is in reality a passionate partisanship for the immoral and the disgusting."
Jose Guadelupe Posada from the cover of the unreleased Rifts: Ciudad Juarez
Sourcebook
, c. 1900-1913
11. I Read About Some Science Words Once And I'm Going To Pretend They Support My Argument

"The purely literary mind, whose merely aesthetic culture does not enable him to understand the connections of things, and to seize their real meaning, deceives himself ...But the physician, especially if he have devoted himself to the special study of nervous and mental maladies, recognises at a glance, in the fin-de-siecle, disposition, in the tendencies of contemporary art and poetry, in the life and conduct of the men who write mystic, symbolic and ' decadent ' works, and the attitude taken by their admirers in the tastes and aesthetic instincts of fashionable society, the confluence of two well-defined conditions of disease, with which he is quite familiar, viz. degeneration (degeneracy) and hysteria, of which the minor stages are designated as neurasthenia."
Hans Bellmer, That Was So Dumb I'm Paralyzed Between Facepalming
And Making the 'Loser' Sign. Photo. 1934

Paul Klee, Giant So Giant A Peryton Lives In Its Head, 1905
12. I Have This Whole Theory About People Who Irresponsibly Like Art I Don't Based On A Continuous And Organized Campaign Of Not Talking To Any Of Them Ever About It

"In order to satisfy any momentary impulse, or inclination, or caprice, they commit crimes and trespasses with the greatest calmness and self-complacency, and do not comprehend that other persons take offence thereat…" 
Harry Clarke, from the Faust Illustrations I believe
13. People Like Stuff I Don't Because They're Egotistical And Irresponsible And Just Don't Care About How Much They're Hurting The Rest Of Us

"The two psychological roots of moral insanity, in all its degrees of development, are, firstly, unbounded egoism, and, secondly, impulsiveness ability to resist a sudden impulse to any deed; and these characteristics also constitute the chief intellectual stigmata of degenerates...
Claude Cahun, Self-Portraits Trapped In the
Phylactery of the Cephaloraptor
, 20s or 30s
"When, therefore, an Oscar Wilde goes, about in ' aesthetic costume ' among gazing Philistines, exciting either their ridicule or their wrath, it is no indication of independence of character, but rather from a purely anti-socialistic, ego-maniacal recklessness and hysterical longing to make a sensation, justified by no exalted aim ; nor is it from a strong desire for beauty, but from a malevolent mania for contradiction."
Aubrey Beardsley

14. …Also, They're Just Trying to Fit In

"...and certain silly critics, when, through fear of being pronounced deficient in comprehension, they make desperate efforts to share the emotions of a degenerate in regard to some insipid or ridiculous production…"
Xanti Schawinsky, What Is This I Don't Even,1924

Paul Klee, These Rolls On The Mutation Tables Have Left Me
Embittered But I Have The Wand of Excision Strapped To My Arm
,
 1905

15. …And Just Trying To Not Fit In And They Just Want Attention

"We see a number of young men assemble for the purpose of founding a school. It assumes a special title, but in spite of all sorts of incoherent cackle and subsequent attempts at mystification it has, beyond this name, no kind of general artistic principle or clear aesthetic ideal. It only follows the tacit, but definitely recognisable, aim of making a noise in the world, and by attracting the attention of men through its extravagances, of attaining celebrity and profit, and the gratification of all the desires and conceits agitating the envious souls of these filibusters of fame."
More Oskar Schlemmer dancers

16. In Order To Pitch My Screed As Helpful Advice And To Not Completely Lose My Audience, I'll Point Out My Target Has Talent, They're Just Misusing It

"It must not for that matter be supposed that degeneration is synonymous with absence of talent. Nearly all the inquirers who have had degenerates under their observation expressly establish the contrary."
Egon Schiele, Self Portrait While Scribbling
Formula Allowing Adele's Mirror-Twin To Attain
Self-Awareness,
1910
17. These People Will Believe Anything Because They Interpret Art In Some Creepy Way I Just Now Made Up. (Unlike Me--I Read All This Toxic Stuff It And Am Immune Because Hey Look Is That a Panda Over There…)

"A result of the susceptibility of the hysterical subject to suggestion is his irresistible passion for imitation, and the eagerness with which he yields to all the suggestions of writers and artists. When he sees a picture, he wants to become like it in attitude and dress ; when he reads a book, he adopts its views blindly. He takes as a pattern the heroes of the novels which he has in his hand at the moment, and infuses himself into the characters moving before him on the stage."
Tina Modotti, Hands of a Puppeteer. Photo.1929
18. Basically Pretty Much Anything They Do That We Don't Is A Sign They're Fucked Up Even When I Can't Actually Connect It To My Bad-Art-Creates-Evil-Crime Thesis

"The present rage for collecting, the piling up, in dwellings, of aimless bric-a-brac, which does not become any more useful or beautiful by being fondly called bibelots, appear to us in a completely new light when we know that Magnan has established the existence of an irresistible desire among the degenerate to accumulate useless trifles. It is so firmly imprinted and so peculiar that Magnan declares it to be a stigma of degeneration, and has invented for it the name ' oniomania,' or ' buying craze.'
Joseph Cornell, Any Player Worth Their Salt Will Look At
This Box, Realize the Bottles Are Too Small To Be
Taking Up A Box That Tall And Realize There's A False Bottom
,
1940

Joseph Cornell, Each Blue Bead Is Filled With Liquid Time, But One
Of The Three Glasses Is Now In The Possession Of Nyarlathotep,
1939 I think

Joseph Cornell, The Effect Of The Various Potions Is
Coded By Color But Don't Tell The Players That
, 1943
"Richard Wagner is in himself alone charged with a greater abundance of degeneration than all the degenerates put together with whom we have hitherto become acquainted…He displays in the general constitution of his mind the persecution mania, megalomania and mysticism ; in his instincts vague philanthropy, anarchism, a craving for revolt and contradiction ; in his writings all the signs of graphomania, namely, incoherence, fugitive ideation, and a tendency to idiotic punning, and, as the groundwork of his being, the characteristic emotionalism of a colour at once erotic and religiously enthusiastic." 
Alphonse Mucha, La Trappistine 1897

19. The Fact That These People Form Groups Of Like-Minded Individuals Is Very Suspicious And Uncreative. Especially If They Form Groups In Ways That Are Slightly Different From The Way We Form Groups Which We Must Be Doing Since I Have An Audience

 "The mere fact that an artist or author allows himself to be sworn in to the party cry of any ' ism,' that he perambulates with jubilations behind a banner and Turkish music, is complete evidence of his lack of individuality that is, of talent.
John Singer Sargent, Print Out This Image Of The Suspects And Ask The
Players Which One They Talk To First, If Anyone Notices The Swastika on
The Carpet, Have Them Roll A San Check
, 1882
"...Independent minds (we are not here speaking of mere imitators), united by a good critic into a group, may, it is true, have a certain resemblance to each other, but, as a rule, this resemblance will be the consequence, not of actual internal affinity, but of external influences…
Oskar Schlemmer's duplicates, wielding rapiers and a clonesphere
"Quite otherwise it is when authors or artists consciously and intentionally meet together…The predilection for forming societies met with among all the degenerate and hysterical may assume different forms. Criminals unite in bands, as Lombroso expressly establishes. Among pronounced lunatics it is the folie a deux, in which a deranged person completely forces his insane ideas on a companion ; among the hysterical it assumes the form of close friendships, causing Charcot to repeat at every opportunity : ' Persons of highly-strung nerves attract each other and finally authors found schools. "
Dorothea Tanning The Touch of the Gargantuan Growth Caused
Targets To De-Age But Audsley Retained Her Pact Magic
, 1943
20. And, Doubly Suspicious--These Group-Forming Losers Who Are So Uncreative As To Have Things In Common Have Nothing In Common! Hah!

"The word  Symbolism conveys, as we have seen, no idea to its inventors. They pursue no definite artistic tendency ; hence it is not possible to show them that their tendency is a false one. "
Egon Schiele, Running 5th Edition For The First Time c.1918
21. I Can Maintain My Progressive Cred By Suggesting New Ideas I Don't Like Aren't Actually New Ideas, They're Just Gibberish

"...everyone capable of logical thought will recognise that he commits a serious error if, in the aesthetic schools which have sprung up in the last few years he sees the heralds of a new era. They do not direct us to the future, but point backwards to times past. Their word is no ecstatic prophecy, but the senseless stammering and babbling of deranged minds, and what the ignorant hold to be the outbursts of gushing, youthful vigour and turbulent constructive impulses are really nothing but the convulsions and spasms of exhaustion.
Rodchenko, Hanging Construction, 1920
"We should not allow ourselves to be deceived by certain catch-words, frequently uttered in the works of these professed innovators. They talk of socialism, of emancipation of the mind, etc., and thereby create the outward show of being deeply imbued with the thoughts and struggles of the times. But this is empty sham. The catch-words in vogue are scattered through the works without internal sequence, and the struggles of the times are merely painted on the outside."
John Hearfield antifascist photomontage "Blood And Fire", 1934.
He'd jumped out his window to escape the SS the year before.
22. Unlike Me, My Bullying Foe Cheats--By Using Facts To Back Him Up

"Ruskin is one of the most turbid and fallacious minds, and one of the most powerful masters of style, of the present century….His mental temperament is that of the first Spanish Grand Inquisitors. He is a Torquemada of aesthetics. He would burn alive the critic who disagrees with him, or the dull Philistine who passes by works of art without a feeling of devout awe. Since, however, stakes do not stand within his reach, he can at least rave and rage in word, and annihilate the heretic figuratively by abuse and cursing.
Sidney Sime. Krampus.
"To his ungovernable irascibility he unites great knowledge of all the minutiae in the history of art. If he writes of the shapes of clouds he reproduces the clouds in seventy or eighty existing pictures, scattered amongst all the collections of Europe….This heaping up of fact, this toilsome erudition, made him conqueror of the English intellect, and explains the powerful influence which he obtained over artistic sentiment and the theoretic views concerning the beautiful of the Anglo-Saxon world."
Kurt Schwitters, Picture of Spatial Growths - Picture with Two Small Dogs 1920–39
23. Yes, The Classics Are the Classics, But When These People Look Back At The Classics, They Imitate All the Bad Stuff About The Classics Because They Forgot To Ask Me First

"There they had perfect models to imitate ; they were bound to take for their starting-point these Fra Angelicos, Giottos, Cimabues, these Ghirlandajos and Pollajuolos. Here were paintings bad in drawing, faded or smoked, their colouring either originally feeble or impaired by the action of centuries; pictures executed with the awkwardness of a learner representing events in the Passion of Christ, in the life of the Blessed Virgin, or in the Golden Legend, symbolizing childish ideas of hell and paradise, and telling of earnest faith and fervent devotion. They were easy of imitation, since, in painting pictures in the style of the early masters, faulty drawing, deficient sense of colour, and general artistic incapacity, are so many advantages."
Aubrey Beardsley,  from Le Morte D'Arthur,1893, his first major work
24. Despite My Appeal to Objective Science, I've Included Some Subjective Taste-Based Loopholes Big And Flexible Enough That Anything I Like Can Fit Right Through Them...

"A painting, a group, may represent the most immoral and most criminal incident ; nevertheless, the individual constituent parts the atmosphere, the harmonies of colour, the human figures may be beautiful in themselves, and the connoisseur may derive enjoyment from them without dwelling on the subject of the work...
Ivan Bilibin, Baba Yaga, 1902
"The noxiousness of the snake does not lie in its copper-red dorsal bands, nor the  terribleness of the beast of prey in its graceful appearance, nor the danger of the poisonous plant in the form and colour of its blossoms. In these cases the sensuously-beautiful outweighs the morally-repulsive, because it is more immediately present, and, in the collective impression, allows the feelings of pleasure to predominate…"
Sarah Stilwell Weber, Woman With Leopards 1906.  After seeing this, you
pretty much decide if you see a leopard
and it's not on that red fabric it's just bullshit.
"…When, however, the work betrays the indifference of the author to the evil or ugliness he depicts, nay, his predilection for it, then the abhorrence provoked by the work is intensified by all the disgust which the author's aberration of instinct inspires in us, and the aggregate impression is one of keenest displeasure. Those who share the emotions of the author, and hence are with him attracted and pleasurably excited by what is repugnant, diseased and evil, are the degenerate. "

John Heartfield photomontage: The Meaning of Geneva, Where
Capital Lives, There Can Be No Peace
, 1932
"It would prove nothing in regard to Tolstoy's Kreutzer Sonata or Ibsen's Rosmersholm if it were of necessity admitted that Goethe's Werther suffers from irrational eroticism, and that the Divina Commedia and Faust are Symbolic poems. The whole objection, indeed, proceeds from a non-recognition of the simplest biological facts. The difference between disease and health is not one of kind, but of quantity…As it is here a question of more or less, it is impossible to define their limits sharply. Extreme cases are naturally easily recognised. But who shall determine with accuracy the exact point at which deviation from the normal, (i.e. from health) begins ?"
Dora Maar photo, Pere Ubu, 1936
Maar took this form moments before consuming
her lover, Picasso, for being so much worse at
art than her
25. Since Art Isn't Life, No 'Realism'; Could Ever Be Completely Realistic, Which Gives Me A Really Cool Opportunity To Be An Insane Pedant With Anyone Who Uses That Word

"In the novels of Balzac and Flaubert, where the ' milieu ' plays so great a part, the 'milieu' in fact, explains nothing. For the personages who move in the same ' milieu ' are, notwithstanding, wholly different…We have seen above that M. Zola is far from being capable of transcribing in his novels life as real and as a whole. Like all the imaginative writers before him, he also makes a choice; from a million thoughts of his personages, he reproduces one only; from ten thousand functions and actions, one only ; from years of their life, some minutes, or merely seconds ; his supposed ' slice from life ' is a condensed and rearranged conspectus of life, artificially ordered according to a definite design,
and full of gaps."
Windsor McKay, Little Nemo,  1905-1911
1905 or '06. Seriously, Picasso, catch the fuck up.
26. I Can't Have A Conversation With The People I Am Talking About--They're Crazy

"No one, I hope, will think me childish enough to imagine  that I can bring degenerates to reason by incontrovcrtibly and convincingly demonstrating to them the derangement of their minds. He whose profession brings him into frequent contact with the insane knows the utter hopelessness of attempting by persuasion or argument to bring them to a recognition of the unreality and morbidness of their delusions."
A performance of Alfredo Jarry's Ubu Roi, first performed in 1896.
Pere Ubu: "It is very possible, but I’ve changed the government and I announced
in the newspaper that you will have to pay all existing taxes twice, and
three times those that will be designated subsequently. With this system
I’ll make my fortune quickly; then I will kill everybody and leave
."
27. People Who Claim To Enjoy Things I Don't Like Don't Actually Enjoy Them

"In the perusal, or contemplation of these productions, the half-witted fall into a state of excitation which they hold to be aesthetic, but which is really sensual...To an habitual drinker it is possible to prove that absinthe is pernicious, but it is absolutely impossible to convince him that it has a disagreeable taste."
Edmound Du Lac, Mermaid, 1911 I think
28. Death Threats

"Mystics, but especially ego-maniacs and filthy pseudo-realists, are enemies to society of the direst kind. Society must unconditionally defend itself against them….Our streets and our houses are not built for you ; our looms have no stuffs for you ; our fields are not tilled for you. All our labour is performed by men who esteem each other, have consideration for each other, mutually aid each other, and know how to curb their selfishness for the general good. There is no place among us for the lusting beast of prey ; and if you dare return to us, we will pitilessly beat you to death with clubs.'"
Harry Clarke
29. Individual Desire Must Be Suppressed For the Sake Of The Greater Good

"Whoever preaches absence of discipline is an enemy of progress ; and whoever worships his 'I ' is an enemy to society. Society has for its first premise, neighbourly love and capacity for self-sacrifice ; and progress is the effect of an ever more rigorous subjugation of the beast in man, of an ever tenser self-restraint, an ever keener sense of duty and responsibility."
Franz Von Bayros, THAT IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY D&D! 1911
30. I Am Not In Favor Of Censorship, I'm Not A Prude, I Just Think People Should Speak Out Against People For Being Different Than Me

"The police cannot aid us. The public prosecutor and criminal judge are not the proper protectors of society against crime committed with pen and crayon. They infuse into their mode of proceeding too much consideration for interests not always, not necessarily, those of cultivated and moral men... Hence it comes to this, that the pornographist must be branded with infamy.
Egon Schiele, Call of Cthulhu PC Caught Between Repose
And Infection
, 1909

"An association composed of the people's leaders and instructors, professors, authors, members of Parliament, judges, high functionaries, has the power to exercise an irresistible boycott. Let the ' Society for Ethical Culture ' undertake to examine into the morality of artistic and literary productions. Its composition would be a guarantee that the examination would not be narrow-minded, not prudish, and not canting. Its members have sufficient culture and taste to distinguish the thoughtlessness of a morally healthy artist from the vile speculation of a scribbling ruffian. When such a society, which would be joined by those men from the people who are the best fitted for this task, should, after serious investigation and in the consciousness of a heavy responsibility, say of a man, 'He is a criminal !' and of a work, 'It is a disgrace to our nation !' work and man would be annihilated. No respectable bookseller would keep the condemned book ; no respectable paper would mention it, or give the author access to its columns ; no respectable family would permit the branded work to be in their house ; and the wholesome dread of this fate would very soon prevent the appearance of such books as Bahr's Gute Schule, and would dishabituate the 'realists' from parading a condemnation based on a crime against morality as a mark of distinction…"
Another suppressed, censored Klimt work from the University of Vienna, this one
called "Jurisprudence" and, again, totally prescient in its view of Austrian
jurisprudence. The Americans wanted to borrow these for the same gargantuan
St Louis fair that introduced hot dogs, Dr Pepper, cotton candy and ice cream in cones to
the world but Austria was like, Nope, we own it but no way are we gonna show it.
Allegedly Klimt got his paintings back by threatening the removal crew with a
shotgun.
Klimt died well before the Nazis came to power and was one of the few modernists
they didn't stamp as degenerate (though Schiele, the Ramones to his Stooges, was).
This ended up sucking for Klimt because the Nazis stole these murals from the
Jews who owned them and then showed them, then burned them on the retreat
to keep the Russians from getting them. Don't be an artist, kids.
Like Tipper Gore or Fred Hicks, Max Nordau would've laughed if you'd called him a prude or  a conservative--and in the same way Fred would: briefly, smugly, in writing, with no evidence of anything approaching an actual sense of humor, and shortly before fleeing.
Another Oskar Schlemmer guy.
You know that part at the end of the last episode of the lovely nature documentary where they dutifully but depresssingly tell you that all the animals you've seen that evening--from the lovely panther to the cheetah that ate it, to the llama whose corpse it got fucked on--will all be gone one day because of massive environmental degradation that only you can prevent? Well we're at that part of the show.
Kay Nielson
Max Nordau's criticism is not just about Max. It's an entire style of thought adopted by people all over the spectrum as a way of dismissing art from any direction by basically say "I just can't even". Nordau School Criticism is a thing.

Despite being extraordinarily negative, Nordau School Criticism doesn't act by defining given acts as bad. It acts by assuming without articulating a good shared by audience and critic and claiming anything the author doesn't like fits into a single category of 'not that'. In Nordau's case the 'good' is everything both famous and old, in the current RPG industry it's everything whoever's talking likes playing and/or everything their friends made.
Dora Maar, Roll initiative,'30s I think
A product's badness is decided before the fact and the product is then evaluated afterward for "errors"--Richard Wagner is the enemy therefore his "philanthropy" and "punning" must also be bad. The hated faction is owed a sort of reverse-loyalty which attacks even its most irrelevant eccentricities and shibboleths.  Nordau School criticism categorizes and judges the general, with an outward appearance of conscientiousness, responsibility, and seriousness combined with, in reality, a total lack of any evidence of interhuman curiosity about the artist, product, or its audience and a willingness to assume the worst based on nothing but difference.
Man Ray, Spiral Staircase Down To The Pool
of Molten Moon On Level 9
, 192something
This isn't censorship, it isn't even a call for censorship--but it is the only line of thought that can lead to censorship. And it has and continues to lead there, and to much worse. You cannot have censorship without, first, defining the offending art as having no value--and defining the art's defenders as ignorable. That is: you can't ever have censorship without, first, censoriousness. Real criticism defines the art object as interpretable, Nordau School Criticism declaims the artist themself as invalid on grounds of creating harm (which is sometimes true) and then defining debate about whether that's true as invalid (which is never true).
The frequent cry that "we can do better" sounds so upbeat--but it can only do so by substituting, in that "better", the speaker's moral view for the artist's. "We can do better" doesn't mean "we can do better at the job of making fascinating things" it means "We can be more like me". When applied to the casting of a network TV sitcom, it's absolutely correct--We can do better, because a national TV network is a greed-motivated conglomerate that has no moral view. When applied to the creative output of an individual artist, it's simply saying their moral view is invalid. In that case "We can do better" means "You should be less you"--you should be more didactic, more eager to pitch your art to only the most credulous kind of audience, more eager to narrow its function to only education or escapism (never, say, thought experiment, or--of course--pleasure in invention for its own sake).
W. Heath Robinson
Isaiah Berlin sheds some light on the psychology of this hedgehog's song in his study of artists under Stalin:

"some, and by no means the least distinguished, tend to say that state control has its positive aspects as well. While it hems in creative artists to an extent unparalleled even in Russian history, it does, a distinguished children’s writer said to me, give the artist the feeling that the state and the community in general are, at any rate, greatly interested in his work, that the artist is regarded as an important person whose behavior matters a very great deal, that his development on the right lines is a crucial responsibility both of himself and of his ideological directors, and that this is, despite all the terror and slavery and humiliation, a far greater stimulus to him than the relative neglect of his brother artists in bourgeois countries."
Egon Schiele, Portrait of Anton Peschka, 1909
History bears out most artists prefer the default-irrelevance and freedom they experience in our current democracies over default-relevance and slavery--and they've managed to make better art under those conditions.

Freedom of speech is a law in the US, but--like everything else under capitalism--that law is in practice toothless if you can gut belief in the Enlightenment ethic that underlies that law. If your ethic is "I may not agree with what you have to say but I will defend to the death your right to say it while I also try to make sure no-one hears you and I never address your defense of it" you may believe in free speech but you don't believe in the thing free speech is for.  You don't believe in the honing and improving of ideas through collision with other ideas--or, as we call it, thinking. You think society has already learned everything it needs to learn and it's up to you to spread the good news. Progress isn't propaganda--progress requires a belief in an ongoing process of taking in new information and doing stuff with it.
Egon Schiele, Tactical Map of Area Surrounding The House
Where The Teeth of Dahlver-Nar Are Kept
, 1914
Are you reading this and feeling strawmanned? Then quote where you think the part I got wrong is, and say what you think. And then I write something, and you write back, and I write back, and you write back and we keep going and we learn. Demonstrate belief in the possibility of human progress rather than in what progress does for you. That is how you would prove me wrong.

The sentence I am about to write will be received as a matter of course by most reasonable readers and rejected out-of-hand by the subject of the sentence. Neither responsehelps anyone learn anything--the productive response is to spend time examining whether or not it is true and, if so, why or why not. That is: the helpful response is, no matter what you thought when you began to read, to spend some time again holding the sentence neither believed or unbelieved in the snowglobe of the mind and walk all around it, examining it from every angle, until you come away with more than you had before.
Here is that sentence: If one were to make a pinboard with a lone placed pin for every human clique's ideas about art and art's role in society, the red pin representing the philosophy of Stalin's regime and the white pin for the regime of Third Reich would be very close together--and both in turn would be close to the blue pin representing the philosophy of the RPG drama club. 
Lazlo Maholy-Nagy, 'Lightplay: Black-White-Gray' 1930
Stalin said "Artists are the engineers of human souls"--which is a tremendous abdication. No, Josef, humans are the engineers of human souls. Like when you killed 10 million people? That was you who did that. It's also a tremendous narrowing of my job description and I'm glad the homicidal maniac who said it is gone and I wish his ideas had died with him.
Alphonse Mucha, If An Ad For Some Fucking Rich
Asshole's Cigarette Company Deserves The
Protection We Extend To Art, So Does Whatever
Thing You Just Made For Your Peeps To Play With
, 1899

My thesis is not that the Drama Club are political authoritarians. It is that the psychological tendency to see the art object as a high-risk substance to be approached cautiously is a tendency that shows up in some inevitable percentage of each human generation--like left-handed people or people who take to blood sausage from the first bite--and that this belief necessarily carries with it a certain style of thinking to support it. The belief and the method of justifying the belief go together.
Hans Bellmer,  1934
Humanity is going to keep producing groups of people who, in dubious service of any number of goals, play nervous new parent to the whole world--people who worry what other people's imaginations look like, whether or not they can find a link between that imagined and the real. We need to know how that pathology works, because they have always been there and always will be there, and we must never allow them to hurt anyone ever again.
Egon Schiele, Hey Guys Look What Came In
The Mail From Troll & Toad Today
, 1916

Redoing The Monster Manual: Aarakocra

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Listen 5th Edition, now that I'm moving in, there are gonna have to be some changes around here.

Let's start with A...
Click to enlarge
So as-is Aaracokra are hawk people who good and hang out in the Elemental Plane of Air. Which is the most boring and unevocative of the incredibly unevocative elemental planes.

Changes:

-Attacks do more damage (this'll probably be an ongoing theme here. I recently came across a character optimization board who complained the monsters in Vornheim--the ones the D&Dw/pornstars girls made mincemeat of--were too hard. Which rather throws the whole philosophy of optimization into doubt. Or just the girls are hardcore as fuck.)

-I made them more a neutral weird wetland species. See: Stiltspear in Iron Council. New picture by me, from the old Redoing the Fiend Folio series.

-Took the giant egg table out of Dungeon Dozen--I figure each group of Aaracokra guards one big egg, and, hey, 12 results--so when it hatches is also what's in it. They keep hoping it'll hatch in the right hour so it'll be a reborn king.

-Also gave them 12 hour-dependent powers. They probably have to sing to get them to work.

-Changed most of the details, though I like the idea of them having an enemy and all I could think of was tigers because hip hop.

-Replaced the tale of the Aaracokra looking for the Rod of Seven parts with Borges story about the Simurgh looking for their king, the Simurgh. In the end, they discover they are the Simurgh. Maybe they Aaracokra don't know that all that has to happen is the egg hatches at the right hour and their king appears. Anyway, I got a while to figure it out, since the players aren't anywhere near a swamp right now.

Next up: Aboleth.
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The Metapsychotic System of the Aboleth

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Still redoing my Monster Manual...
Click to enlarge
I never really liked the old aboleth, they seemed like ham-fisted attempts at Lovecraftiana, but I like the new illustration, especially when I added in a tiny guy for scale.

Other things:

-Beefed up the physical stats across the board and added a swallow attack to reflect the increased size.

-I never liked the "covers people in slime to enslave them" gimmick--it made it seem too much like the aboleth A) Gave a fuck either way about people B) Had physical tasks they actually needed people for--neither of which seems too Lovecraftian.  You don't want them to be just mean psychic whales. The Manual, however, has a schtick which suggests being unable to breath air is just a disease transmitted as a side effect of being near the aboleth-- which I like very much. I also decided that it drains color out of nearby fish.

-The manual has some good "regional actions" and "lair actions" (things you'd expect to happen around an aboleth)--slime everywhere and delusions--I transferred these from the next page so I could see them all at once plus added a few more.

-I gave the pools in the aboleth's lair the ability to dissolve people into liquid memories--stolen from a Legion of Super Heroes comic and Genesis Pits--stolen from the Invid.

-Noted also they're related to the Philosopher species somehow--mind flayers, etc.

-I added 4 kinds of possible lairs and some allied species--cannibal mermaids and sea elves.

I figure aboleths are some kind of lesser Old One or spawn thereof, not actually the big cahuna but something close. They probably each have names and take slightly different forms.

Interpreted as Lovecraftian, Aboleths (and, no matter how you interpret them, the next creature in the Monster Manual--Angels) introduce the concept of belief systems.

Now, systems...
There is a terrifying difference between strings of random phenomena and systems.

From True Detective:

Marty: Shit, man, this dude in New Orleans cut up his girl, felt remorse, tried to piece her back together with Krazy Glue.

Rust: That's just drug insanity. Ah, that's not this. This has scope. Now, she articulated a personal vision. Vision is meaning. Meaning is historical. Look, she was just chum in the water, man.


I believe there's a plastic sack of thick and greyish liquid hanging from a steel pole at the foot of the bed. That's a belief.

I believe it's the nutrient gunk the doctors gave Mandy when she came out of the hospital and when she has her feeding tube in, she has to have it or she'll die. That's a belief system.

A belief just sits there. A system makes demands. You put in an input and out comes an output and you have to do it. So a bad system is very bad.

So they find the dead girl in True Detective, she's been systematized:
"Ideas what any of this means? [Scoffs] I don't know."

"And it's all primitive. It's like cave paintings. Maybe you ought to talk to an anthropologist."

"[Sighs] Lot of trouble this guy went to. Seems real personal."

"I don't think so. Was iconic, planned and in some ways, it was impersonal. Think of the blindfold."

…and that's why it's scary. The system the psychotic is working on here is bigger than a personal reason to kill one person. And that system is enigmatic. It implies two scary things:
-This could happen again
-You may have walked into the system and not even know it

What happens when you're in an enigmatic system? Well suddenly everything you do has a secret meaning you don't know about. Your every action is suddenly loaded with potentially awful significance. As is everything around you.

This is Lovecraftian--and Lovecraft was, as is often noted, not real great about recording or modelling the variety of human personalities. His creatures and intimations doom us all equally.

Kenneth Hite's remarks on such systems:
"…the purest form of cosmic horror, what Lovecraft summed up as the 'idiot god Azathoth,' or what Tim Powers evokes with the djinn in Declare— an intelligence so foreign, so inaccessible, that it can only appear mad or idiotic to us despite its immensity. "

The aboleth, being the closest thing in the Manual to an Old One, has to incarnate this immensity. This is much harder in D&D than in Call of Cthulhu. In Cthulhu there's already an implied understanding of the relevance of psychotic systems to the players: the players know they will discover a murder or a distortion in reality, the players know this will be the work of a thing or the agents of a thing, the layers know there will be knowledge (books, cryptic markings) and these will relate to the thing, and they know the thing, when confronted, will be terrible. A paranoia about being embedded in an awful system is right there on the character sheet from the moment of character creation: Cthulhu Mythos: 1%.

In D&D, the intimations that surround a Lovecraftian leviathan are cheek by jowl with intimations of marauding goblins and intimations of Tiamat and intimations of Loki and every other horror-myth-complex around. If the clues don't all point to Cthulhu, the cosmic horror loses its totalized and totalizing quality--its underneath-everythingness--which is the source of the horror.

And these systems don't match: Loki cares about humans (tricking them), so does Satan (temptation)--Cthulhu doesn't.

I can't think of any easy answer to write into the entry--the only answer would have to be in the GMing. The GM has to build up the alienness slowly, with attention to where the players are at, moodwise. 

Metaphysically, I have maybe the beginning of an idea--In A Storm of Wings, M John Harrison creates the Sign of the Locust, which seems to be an insect cult.

The Sign of the Locust is unlike any other religion invented in Viriconium. Its outward forms and observances - its liturgies and rituals, its theurgic or metaphysical speculations, its daily processionals - seem less an attempt by men to express an essentially human invention than the effort of some raw and independent Idea - a theophneustia, existing without recourse to brain or blood: a Muse or demiurge - to express itself. 

Which turns out to be what it is: there are alien insects from another world who are slowly supplanting our incompatible human reality with theirs--re-dreaming the whole world so it always was a different way.

True Detective also suggests the killers believe themselves to be in contact with another world--rather conveniently, Carcosa--which we have a supplement all about.

So the aboleth--unlike the demon, devil, quasit--does not belong. Not just to the planet, but to this version of history. It's an intrusion from a completely different interpretion of the planet--from a Carcosa-Earth or a Kadath-Earth.

The Old Ones are non gods, from the wrong Earth, and they are in a war of philosophy. The realm of their adherents--the sea elves and cannibal mermaids--is the water and there is more water than land. The sea is different, and divisions disintegrate there. The total incompatibility of the story of the aboleth-reality with what happened here in ages past during the long wars between all the bearded, spear-carrying gods is real--but they're working on it.
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…and Gygax Saw The Angel

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"...and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he bowed down his head, and fell flat on his face."
-Numbers 22:

Redoing the Monster Manual some more…
click to enlarge
Angels (split into deva, planetar and solar and all barely distinguishable) come right after the aboleth in the manual and have a similar problem--since they, too, strongly rely on a monotheism for their impact. Plus they're good which means there aren't a lot of reasons to fight them. But I got this.

Ok:

Our plane of existence is sentient. It knows it exists and can see itself.

It's also, naturally, 4-dimensionally aware--it can see all of time at once, and thus all of cause and effect.

So there's none of this "noticing something's wrong and sending an angel down from heaven to address it" that's strictly 3-dimensional thinking. The Prime Material Plane is and has always been aware of any potential problems.

What possible problems could there be? The Plane is existence itself, right? (Echo of an old philosophical problem: why would God need to do anything like a miracle or sending an angel down if the universe works exactly how he wanted it to work?) Surely everything that happens in it is part of the Plane.

Well, almost: The Prime Material Plane can see all of itself as a kind of 4-dimensional sculpture from the inside, with breaks in it where threats from other planes intrude on or threaten it. It can't see those other planes directly, they are not of its substance). The plane can just see where they are interfering with it--the same way that from the inside of a tin can you can't see who's kicking it, but you might see the dent.

So, from the beginning of time, angels have been seeded by the Plane itself to be in exactly the appropriate moment in space-time to address these "dents". Angels are not sent, they simply arise at the right moment.

This conveniently means the angel isn't necessarily a totally useless good guy in the game so much as something dedicated to maintaining the integrity of the Plane. So if players are involved in anything that frays the barriers between planes, then they have to deal with an angel. For example, an angel might mature and manifest at the exact moment the players are about to cross a barrier to the Astral Plane or summon an particularly powerful elemental creature.

Notes in red on the picture:

1. Over by the red 1 I put the three most common manifestations--(i.e. where angels come from): a human can discover they are an angel (typically a paladin that reaches 21st level at exactly the right moment),  a statue can come to life (not unlike a gargoyle's relation to a demon), or an animal can evolve into an angel.

2. Angels in the game typically have a whole laundry-list of resistances and immunities which I simplified to a more mythic rule: Angels can't be hurt by anything from our plane. I'd assume most magic is mostly manipulating things from our plane (fireballs, shadows) but summoned demons (and the weapons they carry and that grow from their bodies) aren't, and a lot of magic items aren't. Clerical magic that manipulates stuff from our plane (lightning, ice) can't hurt them, but anything that channels divine power directly can.

3. Rather than use the Deva, Planetar, Solar hierarchy--which is just one of those "Remember when you fought these guys 4 levels ago? Well here's a tougher one!" hierarchies and replaced it with the Hebrew one--10 ranks of angels from Ishim to Chayot with corresponding HD levels. Added bonus is that tradition assigns many of these angels freaky characteristics like the Chayot has six wings and is covered in eyes. Bonus to using Hebrew mystic names: you can name them ominous things like "Angel of Six Roads""Angel of Hypothermia""Angel of Subtraction".

4. Angels carry shields (I know because St Michael does in all the paintings). The shield makes the angel immune to all divine magic. It only works for angels and demons, so stealing it doesn't steal the power, it just deprives them of it.

5. I also figure there are weird things that just happen around angels. Call them Aura Actions? Like animals start singing, etc.

Most of the given combat profile is fine as far as it goes (it's a tough guy with wings), though I decided the flaming arrows and sword that fights by itself were dead cheesy.

I think each individual angel should probably be custom-made with extra powers for its purpose and where it appears. Add slightly modified demon traits if the specific situation doesn't suggest abilities on its own.

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Animated Objects Re-Done

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1ST:
My D&D book--Red & Pleasant Land is going to arrive back from the printer Thursday or Friday, at which point it will be available to buy from here. It's something like 200 pages Some preview pages...

More on that project here.

2nd:
I was going through my 5th Ed Monster Manual, fixing it up. These entries are grouped under this here tag.

Today's monster, the Animated Object is entirely suitable for a Red & Pleasant Land game, both being pretty Alice In Wonderlandy…
Click to enlarge

The thing about Animated Objects is they get goofy real fast. In the 5e Manual they've got animated armor (which is fine, sure), flying sword (guh), and rug of smothering (kinda dumb but the mechanics are fun because it's hard to get your friend out without accidentally stabbing them--which the rules acknowledge).

A good animated object scene is at the end of Willow when Bavmorda or the goat witch accidentally animates the table and it's all wrought iron and creepy.

In addition to the Donald Barthelme passage--which I think is more about the psychology of the psycho wizard who makes animated objects than actual animated objects--I also tried to list off all the good ones:

. Chandeliers: Man, the chandelier is the whole package--attacks from above, crawls around like a big lobster, sets you on fire, multiple attacks including grapples. Don't fuck with chandeliers, man. Still a little goofy though.

2.Teacups on the other hand suck. They're just included because in any situation where stuff starts talking teacups seem to talk a lot. I gave them Int 16. Maybe teacups are smart because they're always listening while people chitchat.

3. Armor: Classic

4. Axe: I figure it  has a real big blade and rolls across the floor. That's not too goofy.

5. Lantern: It rolls up, then explodes.

6. Bola: The step over themselves like daddy-longlegs then hurl themselves at your feet as you flee.

7. Clothes: Sounds silly at first but this is actually pretty horror movie if it animates the clothes you're wearing--or your hair.

8. Chain: Another classic.

9. Bottle: It rolls up and explodes, too. Maybe spraying you with glass.

10. Shoes: Again, if you're already wearing them: horror movie. You will pay an executioner to cut off your feet.

11. Jewelry: I figure jewelry is a stealth killer. You find it in some pile of treasure then it waits until you're asleep and rips one of your nostrils open.

12. Belt: Deserves a special mention because it can cut you in half.

13. Rosary: Cheap irony is still irony and iron is fucking metal.

14. Pack of cards: They probably just know stuff--like who won all that gp in the last poker game. Plus paper cuts.

15. Chess set: A stealth killer, like jewelry. They crawl down your gullet if you snore.

16. Orrery: They roll up and grab you like a bear trap.

17. Net (with hooks): a little less goofy than a rug of smothering.

18. Ring: Lose a finger.

19. Glove: Lie low until they make you cast the wrong spells.

20. Stained glass window: The two-dimensional figures strain forward into scraping assassins. Like that scene in Young Sherlock Holmes.

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